Jul. 4th, 2012 11:01 am
Family values
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textualdevianceSo, in assembling this photo collage for our adoption agency profile, I went looking for pics of the two of us.
A while back, my mom gave me a CD full of pics she'd had stored--old family pics, a bunch of stuff from her camera, etc. I'd not gone through them--my mother takes tons of pics and most of them are pretty repetitive. But I wanted to see if there were any shots she'd gotten of us that I hadn't seen.
I did find some interesting pics--not of us, but of the rest of my family. Some interesting old ancestor pics, and a few of me and my dad. There was a little bit of "huh. These are my people, I spose." Not nostalgia, really, but wondering whether there might be any merit to including them as part of my family now that I'm adding a child of my own.
And then I opened a folder called "great pics." Which was full of all sorts of horrible racist "jokes." Like really, really horrible ones. So horrible I don't even want to describe them.
Oh.
Given that we're still considering a transracial adoption, and may well end up with at least a mixed-race child, I just ... I wanted to throw up, quite frankly. The idea of exposing my kid to people who would think that kind of hateful garbage is funny is nauseating.
The weirdest part is that there's already a PoC kid in my family. One of my cousins on my mom's side has a daughter (now a teen) whose father is half black/half Japanese. She's gorgeous and sweet and a nice kid. And I wonder exactly what the rest of the family says behind her back. I know that my late grandfather, on seeing her first pics, said something to the effect of "that child's going to be black!" in a horrified tone. But beyond that, I'd not heard anything. She's featured in plenty of family pics, etc., so it seem like she's accepted, but who knows what people really think or say when they think they're in like-minded company?
And honestly, if having a POC grand-niece hasn't cured my parents of their racism, will having a PoC grandchild help? I doubt it. I'm guessing my dad probably won't be around much longer--not long enough for my kid to really know him. But my mom may even outlive me, so I'm going to have to find a way around that. If my child and her birthfamily--who will be part of our family--aren't white, how are my parents going to handle that? And what will be the effect on these new family members whom I want to feel loved and welcome, to know that the extended family of the adoptive parents is so awful?
The obvious solution--and the one I've been operating from for quite some time--is to simply keep my family at a distance, so their toxic hate doesn't affect me or the other people I love. I already have PoC friends, and the idea of having my family around where they can say stupid things to them is horrifying to me, so that's just not an option.
But when it comes to my kid, there WILL be questions. She'll have birth grandparents, and with luck, those will be good people, but we won't be able to give her that experience on our side. Trying to explain to her why we don't see our bio families is going to be excruciating even if she is white. She'll have to understand, for instance, that we're not out to M's family because their religion doesn't allow them to accept us the way we are. And that's going to be hard enough to deal with. She'll otherwise be surrounded by all sorts of queer and queer-friendly people, so she'll know that we and the people we choose to have around believe it to be perfectly normal, natural and worthy of support. She'll know that the vast majority of people in our lives believe in voting in a way that supports human rights. But there will still be this one segment of her adoptive family--a big one--that doesn't, and I'm lost for how to explain that to her in a way that won't mess with her head. She'll know about homophobia, of course, but to know that her own family is part of that problem? Depressing, to say the least (just as it is for me.)
And then to add racism on top of that ... I just. Ugh. We ourselves can be role models to counteract the homophobia. But we don't have the framework around race established well enough to offset that, and I'm terrified of not being able to give my PoC child enough support in that area.
Generally speaking, we already believe in the idea of chosen family, and adoption is just a part of that. We'll be establishing the idea that family is the people who love you, regardless of whether they're legally or biologically related. And, out of necessity, we'll have to explain that sometimes the people we're legally or biologically related to aren't actually family. We'll have to make it clear that just because DNA or a piece of paper says someone is connected to you doesn't mean they love you. Love is demonstrated by actions, not words, and people who have not chosen to act in a loving way aren't qualified as family. But there's SO much cultural framework built up around blood family that undoubtedly this is going to be upsetting for her, and that breaks my heart.
I'm dreading the moment--and there will be one, I know it--when my kid realizes that there are people who don't like her--or even hate her--because of her skin color, or because her parents aren't straight, or because her mom's fat, or because she's adopted, or because we're not religious, etc. And it'll be even worse if it's not just random strangers who dislike her, but people she's legally related to. I will likely choose not to really expose her to those people, so she won't develop a bond with them and thus be hurt even more by their prejudice when she discovers it. If they're effectively strangers, that revelation will sting a lot less.
But it's still going to hurt, and I'm still furious that my kid is inevitably going to suffer just because there are so many ignorant, hateful, small minded people--some of whom I have the misfortune to be related to.
A while back, my mom gave me a CD full of pics she'd had stored--old family pics, a bunch of stuff from her camera, etc. I'd not gone through them--my mother takes tons of pics and most of them are pretty repetitive. But I wanted to see if there were any shots she'd gotten of us that I hadn't seen.
I did find some interesting pics--not of us, but of the rest of my family. Some interesting old ancestor pics, and a few of me and my dad. There was a little bit of "huh. These are my people, I spose." Not nostalgia, really, but wondering whether there might be any merit to including them as part of my family now that I'm adding a child of my own.
And then I opened a folder called "great pics." Which was full of all sorts of horrible racist "jokes." Like really, really horrible ones. So horrible I don't even want to describe them.
Oh.
Given that we're still considering a transracial adoption, and may well end up with at least a mixed-race child, I just ... I wanted to throw up, quite frankly. The idea of exposing my kid to people who would think that kind of hateful garbage is funny is nauseating.
The weirdest part is that there's already a PoC kid in my family. One of my cousins on my mom's side has a daughter (now a teen) whose father is half black/half Japanese. She's gorgeous and sweet and a nice kid. And I wonder exactly what the rest of the family says behind her back. I know that my late grandfather, on seeing her first pics, said something to the effect of "that child's going to be black!" in a horrified tone. But beyond that, I'd not heard anything. She's featured in plenty of family pics, etc., so it seem like she's accepted, but who knows what people really think or say when they think they're in like-minded company?
And honestly, if having a POC grand-niece hasn't cured my parents of their racism, will having a PoC grandchild help? I doubt it. I'm guessing my dad probably won't be around much longer--not long enough for my kid to really know him. But my mom may even outlive me, so I'm going to have to find a way around that. If my child and her birthfamily--who will be part of our family--aren't white, how are my parents going to handle that? And what will be the effect on these new family members whom I want to feel loved and welcome, to know that the extended family of the adoptive parents is so awful?
The obvious solution--and the one I've been operating from for quite some time--is to simply keep my family at a distance, so their toxic hate doesn't affect me or the other people I love. I already have PoC friends, and the idea of having my family around where they can say stupid things to them is horrifying to me, so that's just not an option.
But when it comes to my kid, there WILL be questions. She'll have birth grandparents, and with luck, those will be good people, but we won't be able to give her that experience on our side. Trying to explain to her why we don't see our bio families is going to be excruciating even if she is white. She'll have to understand, for instance, that we're not out to M's family because their religion doesn't allow them to accept us the way we are. And that's going to be hard enough to deal with. She'll otherwise be surrounded by all sorts of queer and queer-friendly people, so she'll know that we and the people we choose to have around believe it to be perfectly normal, natural and worthy of support. She'll know that the vast majority of people in our lives believe in voting in a way that supports human rights. But there will still be this one segment of her adoptive family--a big one--that doesn't, and I'm lost for how to explain that to her in a way that won't mess with her head. She'll know about homophobia, of course, but to know that her own family is part of that problem? Depressing, to say the least (just as it is for me.)
And then to add racism on top of that ... I just. Ugh. We ourselves can be role models to counteract the homophobia. But we don't have the framework around race established well enough to offset that, and I'm terrified of not being able to give my PoC child enough support in that area.
Generally speaking, we already believe in the idea of chosen family, and adoption is just a part of that. We'll be establishing the idea that family is the people who love you, regardless of whether they're legally or biologically related. And, out of necessity, we'll have to explain that sometimes the people we're legally or biologically related to aren't actually family. We'll have to make it clear that just because DNA or a piece of paper says someone is connected to you doesn't mean they love you. Love is demonstrated by actions, not words, and people who have not chosen to act in a loving way aren't qualified as family. But there's SO much cultural framework built up around blood family that undoubtedly this is going to be upsetting for her, and that breaks my heart.
I'm dreading the moment--and there will be one, I know it--when my kid realizes that there are people who don't like her--or even hate her--because of her skin color, or because her parents aren't straight, or because her mom's fat, or because she's adopted, or because we're not religious, etc. And it'll be even worse if it's not just random strangers who dislike her, but people she's legally related to. I will likely choose not to really expose her to those people, so she won't develop a bond with them and thus be hurt even more by their prejudice when she discovers it. If they're effectively strangers, that revelation will sting a lot less.
But it's still going to hurt, and I'm still furious that my kid is inevitably going to suffer just because there are so many ignorant, hateful, small minded people--some of whom I have the misfortune to be related to.
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no subject
I will only talk about political stuff here in general and nothing specific and will definitely keep it short. I don't like either party as I feel they are both wrong. All I can do is look at what's going on and select the party I feel is doing the least damage. As you already know, I feel that socialism is wrong because I feel in the long run it hurts more people than it helps. I haven't seen anything yet that would change my mind. If anything comes up I will re-access my stand. As you know I am a social liberal but a fiscal conservative. I hope this will help you understand where I'm coming from and that's all I have to say on the subject.
It looks like your observation that we have been misunderstanding each other seems to be correct. One of our problems has been our feelings about Mike visiting his parents. We kinda thought we were actually better people and couldn't understand why they were worth a visit and we weren't. I know that's kinda small and petty of us and probably not even true but sometimes we just can't help how we feel, especially when it comes from someone who has the power to really hurt us. I'm sure there has to be some more dialogue but this is really a good start. BTW,I'm sorry to hear about the tooth problem. I still remember how bad my teeth hurt so I can empathize. I look forward to maybe clearing up some of the things that have been hanging up our relationship. We love you and always will.
no subject
In my case, for instance, I think you've been hurt before by people who are in the financial/educational position I'm now in, so you're assuming I look down on you like those people did. Not the case at all. I'm very open about my beginnings, and in fact, a huge part of my politics is all about helping working class folks have the rights and power they need to take care of themselves, instead of being exploited by soulless companies that just want to work them to death.
I'm all about the teaching a man to fish principle, for instance. Not giving handouts, just giving people the tools they need to help themselves (basic education, safeguarding them with police, fire, healthcare, etc.) and getting the bullies/exploiters out of the way so they have a hope of their hard work getting them somewhere. I kind of think of government (in its ideal form) as being a bunch of little guys getting together so they can outnumber the mean ones with more individual power. But as much as I'm an idealist, I'm also a very practical person (yes, really!) and therefore I vote for the folks who at least care about the working class, and not the ones who see the working class as little more than biological factory equipment they can use to make themselves rich. Is that socialism? Not really, no. (Though FWIW, I think that a lot of folks confuse socialism with totalitarianism--different things entirely.)
Anyway ... My point is that I'm not a snob--not hardly--so it hurts that you think of me that way. I won't say I don't like the way we can afford to live now compared to having to struggle to get by, but I don't look down on people who still struggle. Instead, I get angry that they have to do that, and look for ways I can help get rid of whatever roadblocks are in their way. Not because I believe them to be weak or incapable of helping themselves. But because I know that no one person can fight off a bully on their own. When I'm in a position to help with that fight, I do. Directly--we help our friends out all the time--and indirectly, with charity, and yes, political choices. It bugs me that you seem to think those political choices alone mean I'm someone who thinks of you as a lesser creature just because of your financial position. People who WOULD think that piss me off.
Whatever issues I have with you aren't about who or what you are, but solely about some of the things you do and some of the choices you make. It would be stupid of me to judge you on things you have no control over. I only judge what you choose to do. I'd say probably 70% of those choices are good or neutral, and 100% of them are well-intentioned. It's just that 30% of bad stuff with good intentions that still gets to me, and makes it very hard for me to be around you sometimes, especially when I don't have the bandwidth to manage that stuff. You're a good person, but you are a handful, and my life is busy and complicated enough that I just don't have a hand free for that much of the time. Make sense?
Which leads me to one last, quick note about Mike's family (next comment.)
no subject
FWIW, we've gone a few rounds over the years about how much he's sacrificed for his family. Heck, we're still paying one of their bills. We're both of the opinion that his dad needs to stop acting like a self-centered toddler and take responsibility for his family, but he'll never do that, and someone's gotta do it, so it's up to Mike. I don't like it, but that's that. His siblings are all old enough to take care of themselves now (Phil's autism isn't a big handicap for him--he's working) so it's just his mom, really, and we're not sure how much longer she'll be around. After she's gone, I seriously doubt we'll see his dad much, if at all.
So, yeah: Seeing them v. seeing you is mostly a matter of them needing Mike more than you guys need me. They're a handful, too, but where you guys will do fine without me there to juggle that handful, they quite literally wouldn't survive without him there to take up some of the slack. It makes me angry that those grown adults have done next to nothing to take care of themselves or prepare for their age/ill health, but that's how things are with them. In other words: yes, you're better in many ways than they are, but that's actually why I don't see you as much as Mike sees them.
Hope all this helps you understand a few more things. If you're up for it, I'll call you later this evening and we can talk more. Just you and me, if you don't mind. I'll talk to mom on her own later.