Family values

[textualdeviance]

So, in assembling this photo collage for our adoption agency profile, I went looking for pics of the two of us.

A while back, my mom gave me a CD full of pics she'd had stored--old family pics, a bunch of stuff from her camera, etc. I'd not gone through them--my mother takes tons of pics and most of them are pretty repetitive. But I wanted to see if there were any shots she'd gotten of us that I hadn't seen.

I did find some interesting pics--not of us, but of the rest of my family. Some interesting old ancestor pics, and a few of me and my dad. There was a little bit of "huh. These are my people, I spose." Not nostalgia, really, but wondering whether there might be any merit to including them as part of my family now that I'm adding a child of my own.

And then I opened a folder called "great pics." Which was full of all sorts of horrible racist "jokes." Like really, really horrible ones. So horrible I don't even want to describe them.

Oh.

Given that we're still considering a transracial adoption, and may well end up with at least a mixed-race child, I just ... I wanted to throw up, quite frankly. The idea of exposing my kid to people who would think that kind of hateful garbage is funny is nauseating.

The weirdest part is that there's already a PoC kid in my family. One of my cousins on my mom's side has a daughter (now a teen) whose father is half black/half Japanese. She's gorgeous and sweet and a nice kid. And I wonder exactly what the rest of the family says behind her back. I know that my late grandfather, on seeing her first pics, said something to the effect of "that child's going to be black!" in a horrified tone. But beyond that, I'd not heard anything. She's featured in plenty of family pics, etc., so it seem like she's accepted, but who knows what people really think or say when they think they're in like-minded company?

And honestly, if having a POC grand-niece hasn't cured my parents of their racism, will having a PoC grandchild help? I doubt it. I'm guessing my dad probably won't be around much longer--not long enough for my kid to really know him. But my mom may even outlive me, so I'm going to have to find a way around that. If my child and her birthfamily--who will be part of our family--aren't white, how are my parents going to handle that? And what will be the effect on these new family members whom I want to feel loved and welcome, to know that the extended family of the adoptive parents is so awful?

The obvious solution--and the one I've been operating from for quite some time--is to simply keep my family at a distance, so their toxic hate doesn't affect me or the other people I love. I already have PoC friends, and the idea of having my family around where they can say stupid things to them is horrifying to me, so that's just not an option.

But when it comes to my kid, there WILL be questions. She'll have birth grandparents, and with luck, those will be good people, but we won't be able to give her that experience on our side. Trying to explain to her why we don't see our bio families is going to be excruciating even if she is white. She'll have to understand, for instance, that we're not out to M's family because their religion doesn't allow them to accept us the way we are. And that's going to be hard enough to deal with. She'll otherwise be surrounded by all sorts of queer and queer-friendly people, so she'll know that we and the people we choose to have around believe it to be perfectly normal, natural and worthy of support. She'll know that the vast majority of people in our lives believe in voting in a way that supports human rights. But there will still be this one segment of her adoptive family--a big one--that doesn't, and I'm lost for how to explain that to her in a way that won't mess with her head. She'll know about homophobia, of course, but to know that her own family is part of that problem? Depressing, to say the least (just as it is for me.)

And then to add racism on top of that ... I just. Ugh. We ourselves can be role models to counteract the homophobia. But we don't have the framework around race established well enough to offset that, and I'm terrified of not being able to give my PoC child enough support in that area.

Generally speaking, we already believe in the idea of chosen family, and adoption is just a part of that. We'll be establishing the idea that family is the people who love you, regardless of whether they're legally or biologically related. And, out of necessity, we'll have to explain that sometimes the people we're legally or biologically related to aren't actually family. We'll have to make it clear that just because DNA or a piece of paper says someone is connected to you doesn't mean they love you. Love is demonstrated by actions, not words, and people who have not chosen to act in a loving way aren't qualified as family. But there's SO much cultural framework built up around blood family that undoubtedly this is going to be upsetting for her, and that breaks my heart.

I'm dreading the moment--and there will be one, I know it--when my kid realizes that there are people who don't like her--or even hate her--because of her skin color, or because her parents aren't straight, or because her mom's fat, or because she's adopted, or because we're not religious, etc. And it'll be even worse if it's not just random strangers who dislike her, but people she's legally related to. I will likely choose not to really expose her to those people, so she won't develop a bond with them and thus be hurt even more by their prejudice when she discovers it. If they're effectively strangers, that revelation will sting a lot less.

But it's still going to hurt, and I'm still furious that my kid is inevitably going to suffer just because there are so many ignorant, hateful, small minded people--some of whom I have the misfortune to be related to.

Comments

[fenchurche.livejournal.com]

I can tell you what my parents did... my great-grandmother was a wonderful woman, but was definitely a product of her time and region. She, thankfully, did not have any problems with my mom marrying someone who was half Native American... but had a lifetime of not censoring herself about African Americans to deal with. I grew up knowing absolutely none of this, despite being very close to her. The reason? When I was two, my parents took me down to visit my grandparents and great-grandparents for the first time and after the first comment, my mom pulled my great-grandmother aside and told her point blank: If you ever use that language around my daughter, you will never see her again.

Now, I don't know if that tactic would work with everyone, but my great-grandmother never again let slip that she had any racist tendencies when she was around me. I found out in high school, when I was dating a really great guy who happened to be African-American and my mom made a joking comment about how sending a copy of one of our dance photos would give my great-grandmother a coronary... and then explained about the ultimatum she'd laid down.

Like I said, I don't know how well that would work with your family, and maybe my parents were lucky, too, in that they only had the one person to deal with and she was an otherwise intelligent woman who could at least be reasoned with.

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

I may well lay down that ultimatum, but given past track records, I'm not confident that it'll go well. I've asked my dad to not pick political fights with me, for instance, and he'll do well on that for a while, but then can't help himself.

My dad's personal philosophy is very arrogant-adolescent-boy: he pitches a fit if anyone tells him he can't--or even shouldn't--have fun at the expense of someone who's already having a bad time. He's also one of those guys who feels it's a sign of weakness to admit you were ever wrong about something--the kind to dig his heels in and stubbornly insist the moon is made of green cheese even if he's standing on it and can plainly see otherwise. I don't think he realizes that I'd actually love and respect him more if he were to get his head out of his ass and admit fault. Sigh...

Beyond that, though, it's also less about interacting with them and more about just ... who they are. I can protect my kid from what they might say, but then there's the more-complicated stuff about what to tell my kid about them even if she's not interacting with them. I don't believe in protecting racists by letting them hide, but I also want to minimize the potential pain my kid might have from knowing she's legally related to people who consider other human beings less worthy of respect not because of the choices they make, but just because of their biology. If she's a PoC, she'll learn about racism, no doubt, but I'd like to avoid having her learn about it in relation to people she already knows. :(

[darkhorse-99.livejournal.com]

I think discovering that 'Them' that are haters/racist/bigots can also be technically family is a revelation that everyone has at some point.

It blew my mind when I heard a relative saying something horrible when I was a teenager. I completely wasn't expecting it because mean people were someone else, some vague 'other', and not family. If that makes any sense.

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

I think everyone has that creepy Uncle Charlie thing going on, yeah. It's pretty much my whole family, though. Lucky me. The sane ones are the exception, not the rule.

Thusfar, I've managed to get by by simply distancing myself from them. I'd be a black sheep anyway if they realized I'm a queer, feminist non-churchgoing librul, so there's no point in trying to be honest with them in the service of trying to have a decent relationship. But now that the concept of legal family is going beyond me and M, I'm having to reassess how I think of them and decide how I navigate that topic with my kid. She's going to know why she doesn't live with her birthfamily, but she'll also somehow need to know why we don't spend any time with ours. I guess maybe the best way to put it to her is that our families weren't able to take care of us, either, so we were "adopted" by our friends instead.

Meh. I'll find a way around it. It's just really upsetting to be reminded of how non-awesome my parents really are.

[mikescars.livejournal.com]

Just a short comment to which I hope you will pay attention. You haven't noticed how far we have progressed in the last 20 years or so. I have no problem with your life or your beliefs. You have a right to your life and the way you want to live it as do we. You're a grown women. Quit blaming us for everything.

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

Calling you out on your racism isn't "blaming" you for anything related to me. It's pointing out that you can be astonishingly insensitive to the needs of people who are different from you. You treat the entire world like it's some sort of us v. them game. It's exhausting to be around, because I never know who you're going to consider an enemy next.

I just wish for once you'd take some responsibility for the hurtful things you say and do, instead of blaming other people for being hurt by them, as if it's their fault that you're treating them with disrespect.

I'm not saying you're a bad person. I don't believe you are, and I don't think you mean to hurt people. But you do, and instead of taking a step back and reconsidering your behavior, you get defensive, which just makes everything worse. Asking you to be more considerate of others--especially others who are already on the business end of a lot of crap, is not an attack. Please stop acting like it is.

[mikescars.livejournal.com]

Oh, I forgot. We really like Aireyel and have no problem with who she is. And she calls every once in a while to chat and tell us she loves us. That's more than you do.

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

Perfect example: instead of taking responsibility for your actions, you're trying to turn this into an indictment of me.

How much contact I have with you is not the issue. It's your own behavior. You need to learn how to take ownership of that, instead of acting like you're being unfairly persecuted.

Again, I don't think you're a bad person, and I do care about you. But when you do something hurtful, I'm going to call you on it.

[mikescars.livejournal.com]

Once again you're twisting things and posting lies so you can feel better about yourself. Out of all the family and the hundreds of people we know you are the only one that thinks we are terrible. Maybe, just maybe, it's not our problem. Even the family counseler we went to stated it was not our problem.

You might consider staying in touch with your mother. She still loves you in spite of all the lies. I, however, don't have enough years left to waste any time on a whiny, self absorbed, ungrateful wretch who has to tear others down to feel better about herslf. I'm sorry it has come to this but I can no longer handle your hurtful lies.

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

I don't even know where to start with this, except to point out that once again, you're trying to make this about me instead of taking responsibility for your own behavior. You've never been able to take criticism, even when it comes from a place of love.

I'm very sorry that whatever happened in your life when you were young made you like this. I think somewhere inside you is a scared little boy who just wants people to love him. And I think you take every criticism of the bad things you do as proof that the person in question doesn't love you. You can't conceive of a situation in which someone can find fault with the things you do and yet still love you. It's all black and white to you. Did your mom do this? If so, I'm sorry. But I'm not your mom. I'm not anyone else who may have treated you this way. You have to stop assuming that if I criticize you, it means I hate you.

I know you don't believe me, but I do love you, even when you do bad things. I just have to make a choice about how much time I spend around you, because you do enough bad things to make me miserable. I wish I could love you enough that you would trust me, and believe that when I'm trying to get you to change your behavior, it's not because I think you're a bad person who should be thrown in jail or whatever. It's just because I really want to spend more time with you, and I can't do that when you're doing so many hurtful things. It absolutely breaks my heart that we don't have a better relationship. I want my Daddy back, dammit. But I can't have him, because he's too busy being angry and hostile and paranoid, and I never know what I might say or do that will set him off on another rage. I can't live like that. I can't live my whole life being afraid of you.

So that's why I keep trying. I take a breather, gather my strength, shore up the rest of my life, and then try to work with you again. Because despite every past failure, some stubborn part of me still believes you can change enough that we can do this. And each time, I get disappointed again. Old dogs, new tricks, something like that. I don't want to give up on you. I really don't. But it's getting to where I'm going to be forced to make a choice between you and my child. I take seriously my responsibility to keep my child safe--the choice is simple, if not easy.

We're a lot alike--you know that. And I know I have the same tendencies sometimes--the belief that if someone doesn't agree with everything I say and do, that means they hate me. I had to unlearn that--Mike helped me a lot with that--and I'm a much happier person for it. I really wish you could learn it, too. You've become a bitter shell of a man, mistrustful of the world, keeping only to yourself and the people who won't challenge you. You've gone from charming curmudgeon to sour and mean-spirited, and I don't even know you anymore.

Or maybe I'm just kidding myself, and you've always been like this, and it was just childhood ignorance, and wanting to believe my Daddy is perfect that blinded me to your faults.

Whatever the case ... I know there's nothing I can say to convince you that I love you and just want you to learn how not to be so hateful. That stubborn part of me will hold out hope on that, maybe forever. But practically speaking, I have to put myself and my life in a place where my child will be safe. I can't do that if I'm still trying to wrangle you.

It's up to you, now. You can choose to keep seeing everyone who isn't like you as an enemy, or you can choose to open your mind and start seeing different people as human beings who need compassion and justice every bit as much as you do. I'm 100% willing to help you learn if you want to. But if you don't, then I can't risk my child's well-being hoping you will.

[mikescars.livejournal.com]

I wasn't going to bother to even answer this but your mother said I should. I really don't think you are open minded enough to even pay attention to what I'm saying. It IS about you. YOU are the one that started this with so many lies I don't even know where to begin.

I can take criticism when it is offered as such and not as an indictment. Yes, I do believe that you love me, as much as you are capable of loving someone that you believe does bad things. I still don't know what it is you think are bad things. Is it because I like to tease those I care about? Is it something else? You never say what it is, just that I do bad things. If that were true why would I and your mother have so many varied and diverse friends? Why would Ariyel profess to love us? Why would many of your friends, gay and otherwise, like us? We have black friends (excuse me, African-American), American Indian friends (excuse me again, Native American), oh wait I was born in this country so I am also a Native American so I guess we can't count them. We have Asian friends and Mexican (and Mexican-American) friends. Old people and young people (some in their teens) and everything in between. Gays and lesbians, straights and some I'm not sure of, so where are you getting the idea that I'm homophobic and hate people of color? Remember, I have an adopted brother and a nephew that are gay and I have a daughter that is gender different. Have I ever made you feel that I looked down on you for that? If so, I'm sorry, because I feel that I have let you have your life and I feel that I have NOT said or done anything that would make you feel differently. Maybe it's because I once stated that I didn't like those people that came here to rape our country and only want the free stuff and do not want to become part of what was once a great country? If so, I am still guilty of feeling that way.

Your mother mentioned something that I had forgotten. Our Dr wants to use me as an example and inspiration for some of her patients since I am very upbeat and never down. One of the reasons I feel I should cut off our relationship, or rather, lack of one. It is a downer and you never listen to my side of anything. You are always the one that's right no matter.

Hundreds, and I repeat, hundreds of people like, and yes, even love us. So where is your attitude coming from? Yes, I used to be very bigoted and am still in some areas like mentioned before but I have improved immensely in the last 20 or so years. I find it sad that you haven't even noticed that.

Yes, I have a weird sense of humor but at least I have one. It seems you don't anymore. Just because something doesn't seem funny to you doesn't mean it isn't funny. A case in point is the TV show "Big Bang". Most geeks I know also think it's funny, especially when it points out the absurdity of what is often the truth.

BTW, I don't have a lot of what I would consider an enemy. But I am not going to get into politics since that makes you angry.

Maybe I'm wrong but if you don't want your child to be around us that is your privilege but I think you would be depriving your child if that is your decision.

And yes we do love you even if you are ashamed of your red neck beginnings and parents.

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

I've had a couple of days to cool off (and get a cracked tooth fixed--I was probably more cranky than normal due to pretty relentless pain) so I can answer this now. If you're up for it, I may also call you later this weekend, because I think we're losing some nuances this way. I'm a lot calmer about all this than I think you might be imagining, for instance.

Anyway. So ...

First, I've never said you were homophobic. I know you're not. (There's the question of how the way you vote furthers oppression of queer folks, but that's a side issue.)

The racism, though, is pretty simple: racist jokes are not funny. In fact, any joke at the expense of a group of people who are already hurting is not funny. Humor, as they say, should always aim up, not down. Poking fun at people in power? Fine. Poking fun at people who are still being systematically oppressed? Not so much. Picking on the weak is what bullies do. Is that what you want to be?

I don't think you're actively hateful about anyone, really. I think you just hold some views that are based on lack of information or experience, and because you're also a stubborn old goat, you have a hard time listening when someone tells you that you've gotten something wrong. You know your own intentions are good--and they are--so you get angry when someone points out that you're doing something that's hurtful to others.

But here's the thing: very few people in this world are actively evil or even sociopathically selfish. Most people think they're doing the right thing to help other people out. And yet, of course, there are millions of people who still do incredible harm, even when they think they're doing otherwise.

Unfortunately, it's just not enough to mean well. I've had to learn this the hard way myself. I've had my own unconscious bigotry to overcome, as well as a lot of other things I used to do that hurt people. And, like you, I used to get really defensive about it. I truly felt I was being unfairly attacked, because inside my head, there was no ill will. I just couldn't see that I had a disconnect between what I intended to do and what I actually did. Unlearning my automatic defensive reactions was a monstrously hard task, but I feel loads better for having done so.

Honestly, all I want you to do is to stop and think. If someone says you're doing something hurtful, listen to them. Don't just react, thinking you're being crucified because you didn't intend to be hurtful, and therefore you couldn't possibly have been. When someone says "Ow, you're hurting me. Please stop." they're not actually beating you over the head. Don't react like they are.

(continued in the next comment...)

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

(...continued) Let me try to put this a different way:

OK, you're a big guy, and you always have been. As many big guys eventually learn, sometimes they don't know their own strength. They could be the sweetest, nicest guys on the planet, but if they're not being especially mindful about how strong they are, they can end up accidentally hurting people--sometimes in very damaging ways.

This was definitely true for you. Even though I know that most of the time, you didn't mean to scare me when I was a kid, you did anyway, simply because you were big and loud and could squash me like a bug if you wanted to. Even when you were just mildly irritated about something, I was still scared. When you opened up the rage gates, I was utterly terrified. Even knowing, logically, that you didn't actually mean me harm, and that you could be--and were--incredibly gentle and loving as well, in those moments, all I could see was this rampaging bear chasing me down.

I think over the years, you learned how to manage that. I think you learned that you had to pull your punches, so to speak, way more than most people simply because there was so much more power behind them. I know it must've been frustrating for you, knowing that you really were gentle-hearted (mostly) and yet you couldn't easily get people to understand that because you were just too scary otherwise. Call it the curse of Frankenstein, maybe.

So, taking what you've learned about that, now think about the other, non-physical things you might be doing that are hurting people without you intending to do so. For instance, what you intend as a light-hearted joke is, to someone who's in a far weaker position, like an anvil coming down on their heads. To again put it in physical terms, it's the difference between stubbing your toe when it's healthy vs. stubbing it when it's already broken. Yeah, it's gonna hurt either way, but it's gonna hurt a whole hell of a lot more in the latter case.

And that's what I think you're missing: I don't think you get that there are millions of people out there who are already seriously broken, and what you think of as no big deal is, in fact very big for them. I think you have a belief that you're much smaller and less powerful than you really are, so you don't think those "punches" from you could really hurt. But they do. Even though you do have many weaknesses--health, poverty, etc.--you still have a incredible amount of strength, and I think you need to be more aware of that, and act accordingly.

I hope at least some of this makes sense. If not, you might want to read something I wrote on my other blog a couple of months ago, that addresses something similar: http://mediatedlife.wordpress.com/2012/05/16/fun-and-games-with-straight-white-males-class-discrimination-edition/

(one more comment to come ....)

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

(...continued)

I'm very sorry if you feel like you just can't catch a break with me. I also know we're both undoubtedly on greater edge with each other right now because it's an election year, with all the drama that comes with. I wish there was a better way to do this that didn't involve us already being upset about other stuff before we start talking. But, here we are. And I guess we can either decide to do something about it, or decide that we need a little more time apart--maybe until after the election--so we're not so cranky in the first place.

I do want to have a relationship with you. Honestly. But dammit, it hurts. A lot. My instinct is always going to be to stay away from the stuff that hurts--especially when I'm already stressed out about other stuff. I need that bandwidth to get by, and I can't spend it on endlessly going to battle with you over the same stuff.

Maybe ... I dunno. Maybe what we both need to do is to stop assuming the other intends to be a hurtful jackass and go from there. Because that's true, right? You think I'm being mean to you, I think you're being mean to me, and as long as we think that, we're never going to get anywhere (not to mention it might well become a self-fulfilling prophecy at this rate--maybe it already has.)

Obviously, we're different in a lot of key ways, and that's never going to change. But I think it's our similarities that are actually the sticking point here--particularly the fact that we both have a lot of resentment and scars from having some shitty life stuff, and that's made us stubborn and afraid of showing any weakness. It makes sense that things are like that, but it still sucks.

I wish I could explain how much I want this. I wish I could explain that you're still one of the few people who can make me cry buckets just by thinking about you. But ... for all my damned words, I can't seem to get them right with you. And I don't know if I'll ever learn how.

[mikescars.livejournal.com]

Finally able to get on here today, it wouldn't let me on this morning. Thank you for taking the time to pay attention to what I was trying to say. I'm not too bad but I really don't handle words as well as you do.

What you had to say about my scaring people is true. I have fought that most of my life. I'm big so I also must be stupid and insensitive. It hurts even worse when it comes from someone that should know better. As a result I have developed a hard shell to try to protect myself. It wasn't something that I meant to do, it just happened as a defense mechanism. I tend to lash out when someone hurts me. With your health problems I really thought you would understand but it seemed that you didn't. You're right, I thought you were just trying to hurt me for some reason and I didn't understand what I had done to cause you to hate me. So I lashed out in return. (This comment will continue.)

[mikescars.livejournal.com]

I went to our pics file and looked for the file you mentioned. It was not there so I must have deleted it some time ago. I now do not start anything with anyone and only strike back if I feel I have to retaliate. Even then I let a lot of stuff slide but if something irritates me I strike back before I think.

I will only talk about political stuff here in general and nothing specific and will definitely keep it short. I don't like either party as I feel they are both wrong. All I can do is look at what's going on and select the party I feel is doing the least damage. As you already know, I feel that socialism is wrong because I feel in the long run it hurts more people than it helps. I haven't seen anything yet that would change my mind. If anything comes up I will re-access my stand. As you know I am a social liberal but a fiscal conservative. I hope this will help you understand where I'm coming from and that's all I have to say on the subject.

It looks like your observation that we have been misunderstanding each other seems to be correct. One of our problems has been our feelings about Mike visiting his parents. We kinda thought we were actually better people and couldn't understand why they were worth a visit and we weren't. I know that's kinda small and petty of us and probably not even true but sometimes we just can't help how we feel, especially when it comes from someone who has the power to really hurt us. I'm sure there has to be some more dialogue but this is really a good start. BTW,I'm sorry to hear about the tooth problem. I still remember how bad my teeth hurt so I can empathize. I look forward to maybe clearing up some of the things that have been hanging up our relationship. We love you and always will.

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I think we understand each other better than we assume sometimes. I think we're both hurting from unrelated stuff and because each of us has some elements that reminds us of that pain, we lash out, even though we're not the ones responsible for it.

In my case, for instance, I think you've been hurt before by people who are in the financial/educational position I'm now in, so you're assuming I look down on you like those people did. Not the case at all. I'm very open about my beginnings, and in fact, a huge part of my politics is all about helping working class folks have the rights and power they need to take care of themselves, instead of being exploited by soulless companies that just want to work them to death.

I'm all about the teaching a man to fish principle, for instance. Not giving handouts, just giving people the tools they need to help themselves (basic education, safeguarding them with police, fire, healthcare, etc.) and getting the bullies/exploiters out of the way so they have a hope of their hard work getting them somewhere. I kind of think of government (in its ideal form) as being a bunch of little guys getting together so they can outnumber the mean ones with more individual power. But as much as I'm an idealist, I'm also a very practical person (yes, really!) and therefore I vote for the folks who at least care about the working class, and not the ones who see the working class as little more than biological factory equipment they can use to make themselves rich. Is that socialism? Not really, no. (Though FWIW, I think that a lot of folks confuse socialism with totalitarianism--different things entirely.)

Anyway ... My point is that I'm not a snob--not hardly--so it hurts that you think of me that way. I won't say I don't like the way we can afford to live now compared to having to struggle to get by, but I don't look down on people who still struggle. Instead, I get angry that they have to do that, and look for ways I can help get rid of whatever roadblocks are in their way. Not because I believe them to be weak or incapable of helping themselves. But because I know that no one person can fight off a bully on their own. When I'm in a position to help with that fight, I do. Directly--we help our friends out all the time--and indirectly, with charity, and yes, political choices. It bugs me that you seem to think those political choices alone mean I'm someone who thinks of you as a lesser creature just because of your financial position. People who WOULD think that piss me off.

Whatever issues I have with you aren't about who or what you are, but solely about some of the things you do and some of the choices you make. It would be stupid of me to judge you on things you have no control over. I only judge what you choose to do. I'd say probably 70% of those choices are good or neutral, and 100% of them are well-intentioned. It's just that 30% of bad stuff with good intentions that still gets to me, and makes it very hard for me to be around you sometimes, especially when I don't have the bandwidth to manage that stuff. You're a good person, but you are a handful, and my life is busy and complicated enough that I just don't have a hand free for that much of the time. Make sense?

Which leads me to one last, quick note about Mike's family (next comment.)

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

You might not know this, but I don't see Mike's family except on extremely rare occasions. If I spend any time at all around his dad, I get too tempted to tell him exactly what I think about him and the horrible way he treats his family, and that would be more trouble than it's worth. Mike visits to see his siblings and to take care of his mom, because otherwise no one else would. They don't have the same kind of family/friends support that you guys do, aside from the church, which can only do so much. The only other nearby relative they have is his mom's sister, and she already has her hands full with her quadriplegic husband. And since his dad is completely incapable of taking care of his mother, well, that's what Mike needs to do.

FWIW, we've gone a few rounds over the years about how much he's sacrificed for his family. Heck, we're still paying one of their bills. We're both of the opinion that his dad needs to stop acting like a self-centered toddler and take responsibility for his family, but he'll never do that, and someone's gotta do it, so it's up to Mike. I don't like it, but that's that. His siblings are all old enough to take care of themselves now (Phil's autism isn't a big handicap for him--he's working) so it's just his mom, really, and we're not sure how much longer she'll be around. After she's gone, I seriously doubt we'll see his dad much, if at all.

So, yeah: Seeing them v. seeing you is mostly a matter of them needing Mike more than you guys need me. They're a handful, too, but where you guys will do fine without me there to juggle that handful, they quite literally wouldn't survive without him there to take up some of the slack. It makes me angry that those grown adults have done next to nothing to take care of themselves or prepare for their age/ill health, but that's how things are with them. In other words: yes, you're better in many ways than they are, but that's actually why I don't see you as much as Mike sees them.

Hope all this helps you understand a few more things. If you're up for it, I'll call you later this evening and we can talk more. Just you and me, if you don't mind. I'll talk to mom on her own later.

[mikescars.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I kind of knew that about Mike's family which is why I said it was petty. If you don't mind I'd like a little time to digest some things before we talk. Right now I'm afraid I'd be a blubbering idiot. Thanks.

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

No worries. Let me know when you're up for a call.

Hugs. Really. <3

[mikescars.livejournal.com]

In case anyone has been following this dialogue, we have talked and gotten a long way toward fixing our problems. Sorry we aired this on such a public forum but who knows, it might have helped us get back together.