Jul. 4th, 2012 11:01 am
Family values
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textualdevianceSo, in assembling this photo collage for our adoption agency profile, I went looking for pics of the two of us.
A while back, my mom gave me a CD full of pics she'd had stored--old family pics, a bunch of stuff from her camera, etc. I'd not gone through them--my mother takes tons of pics and most of them are pretty repetitive. But I wanted to see if there were any shots she'd gotten of us that I hadn't seen.
I did find some interesting pics--not of us, but of the rest of my family. Some interesting old ancestor pics, and a few of me and my dad. There was a little bit of "huh. These are my people, I spose." Not nostalgia, really, but wondering whether there might be any merit to including them as part of my family now that I'm adding a child of my own.
And then I opened a folder called "great pics." Which was full of all sorts of horrible racist "jokes." Like really, really horrible ones. So horrible I don't even want to describe them.
Oh.
Given that we're still considering a transracial adoption, and may well end up with at least a mixed-race child, I just ... I wanted to throw up, quite frankly. The idea of exposing my kid to people who would think that kind of hateful garbage is funny is nauseating.
The weirdest part is that there's already a PoC kid in my family. One of my cousins on my mom's side has a daughter (now a teen) whose father is half black/half Japanese. She's gorgeous and sweet and a nice kid. And I wonder exactly what the rest of the family says behind her back. I know that my late grandfather, on seeing her first pics, said something to the effect of "that child's going to be black!" in a horrified tone. But beyond that, I'd not heard anything. She's featured in plenty of family pics, etc., so it seem like she's accepted, but who knows what people really think or say when they think they're in like-minded company?
And honestly, if having a POC grand-niece hasn't cured my parents of their racism, will having a PoC grandchild help? I doubt it. I'm guessing my dad probably won't be around much longer--not long enough for my kid to really know him. But my mom may even outlive me, so I'm going to have to find a way around that. If my child and her birthfamily--who will be part of our family--aren't white, how are my parents going to handle that? And what will be the effect on these new family members whom I want to feel loved and welcome, to know that the extended family of the adoptive parents is so awful?
The obvious solution--and the one I've been operating from for quite some time--is to simply keep my family at a distance, so their toxic hate doesn't affect me or the other people I love. I already have PoC friends, and the idea of having my family around where they can say stupid things to them is horrifying to me, so that's just not an option.
But when it comes to my kid, there WILL be questions. She'll have birth grandparents, and with luck, those will be good people, but we won't be able to give her that experience on our side. Trying to explain to her why we don't see our bio families is going to be excruciating even if she is white. She'll have to understand, for instance, that we're not out to M's family because their religion doesn't allow them to accept us the way we are. And that's going to be hard enough to deal with. She'll otherwise be surrounded by all sorts of queer and queer-friendly people, so she'll know that we and the people we choose to have around believe it to be perfectly normal, natural and worthy of support. She'll know that the vast majority of people in our lives believe in voting in a way that supports human rights. But there will still be this one segment of her adoptive family--a big one--that doesn't, and I'm lost for how to explain that to her in a way that won't mess with her head. She'll know about homophobia, of course, but to know that her own family is part of that problem? Depressing, to say the least (just as it is for me.)
And then to add racism on top of that ... I just. Ugh. We ourselves can be role models to counteract the homophobia. But we don't have the framework around race established well enough to offset that, and I'm terrified of not being able to give my PoC child enough support in that area.
Generally speaking, we already believe in the idea of chosen family, and adoption is just a part of that. We'll be establishing the idea that family is the people who love you, regardless of whether they're legally or biologically related. And, out of necessity, we'll have to explain that sometimes the people we're legally or biologically related to aren't actually family. We'll have to make it clear that just because DNA or a piece of paper says someone is connected to you doesn't mean they love you. Love is demonstrated by actions, not words, and people who have not chosen to act in a loving way aren't qualified as family. But there's SO much cultural framework built up around blood family that undoubtedly this is going to be upsetting for her, and that breaks my heart.
I'm dreading the moment--and there will be one, I know it--when my kid realizes that there are people who don't like her--or even hate her--because of her skin color, or because her parents aren't straight, or because her mom's fat, or because she's adopted, or because we're not religious, etc. And it'll be even worse if it's not just random strangers who dislike her, but people she's legally related to. I will likely choose not to really expose her to those people, so she won't develop a bond with them and thus be hurt even more by their prejudice when she discovers it. If they're effectively strangers, that revelation will sting a lot less.
But it's still going to hurt, and I'm still furious that my kid is inevitably going to suffer just because there are so many ignorant, hateful, small minded people--some of whom I have the misfortune to be related to.
A while back, my mom gave me a CD full of pics she'd had stored--old family pics, a bunch of stuff from her camera, etc. I'd not gone through them--my mother takes tons of pics and most of them are pretty repetitive. But I wanted to see if there were any shots she'd gotten of us that I hadn't seen.
I did find some interesting pics--not of us, but of the rest of my family. Some interesting old ancestor pics, and a few of me and my dad. There was a little bit of "huh. These are my people, I spose." Not nostalgia, really, but wondering whether there might be any merit to including them as part of my family now that I'm adding a child of my own.
And then I opened a folder called "great pics." Which was full of all sorts of horrible racist "jokes." Like really, really horrible ones. So horrible I don't even want to describe them.
Oh.
Given that we're still considering a transracial adoption, and may well end up with at least a mixed-race child, I just ... I wanted to throw up, quite frankly. The idea of exposing my kid to people who would think that kind of hateful garbage is funny is nauseating.
The weirdest part is that there's already a PoC kid in my family. One of my cousins on my mom's side has a daughter (now a teen) whose father is half black/half Japanese. She's gorgeous and sweet and a nice kid. And I wonder exactly what the rest of the family says behind her back. I know that my late grandfather, on seeing her first pics, said something to the effect of "that child's going to be black!" in a horrified tone. But beyond that, I'd not heard anything. She's featured in plenty of family pics, etc., so it seem like she's accepted, but who knows what people really think or say when they think they're in like-minded company?
And honestly, if having a POC grand-niece hasn't cured my parents of their racism, will having a PoC grandchild help? I doubt it. I'm guessing my dad probably won't be around much longer--not long enough for my kid to really know him. But my mom may even outlive me, so I'm going to have to find a way around that. If my child and her birthfamily--who will be part of our family--aren't white, how are my parents going to handle that? And what will be the effect on these new family members whom I want to feel loved and welcome, to know that the extended family of the adoptive parents is so awful?
The obvious solution--and the one I've been operating from for quite some time--is to simply keep my family at a distance, so their toxic hate doesn't affect me or the other people I love. I already have PoC friends, and the idea of having my family around where they can say stupid things to them is horrifying to me, so that's just not an option.
But when it comes to my kid, there WILL be questions. She'll have birth grandparents, and with luck, those will be good people, but we won't be able to give her that experience on our side. Trying to explain to her why we don't see our bio families is going to be excruciating even if she is white. She'll have to understand, for instance, that we're not out to M's family because their religion doesn't allow them to accept us the way we are. And that's going to be hard enough to deal with. She'll otherwise be surrounded by all sorts of queer and queer-friendly people, so she'll know that we and the people we choose to have around believe it to be perfectly normal, natural and worthy of support. She'll know that the vast majority of people in our lives believe in voting in a way that supports human rights. But there will still be this one segment of her adoptive family--a big one--that doesn't, and I'm lost for how to explain that to her in a way that won't mess with her head. She'll know about homophobia, of course, but to know that her own family is part of that problem? Depressing, to say the least (just as it is for me.)
And then to add racism on top of that ... I just. Ugh. We ourselves can be role models to counteract the homophobia. But we don't have the framework around race established well enough to offset that, and I'm terrified of not being able to give my PoC child enough support in that area.
Generally speaking, we already believe in the idea of chosen family, and adoption is just a part of that. We'll be establishing the idea that family is the people who love you, regardless of whether they're legally or biologically related. And, out of necessity, we'll have to explain that sometimes the people we're legally or biologically related to aren't actually family. We'll have to make it clear that just because DNA or a piece of paper says someone is connected to you doesn't mean they love you. Love is demonstrated by actions, not words, and people who have not chosen to act in a loving way aren't qualified as family. But there's SO much cultural framework built up around blood family that undoubtedly this is going to be upsetting for her, and that breaks my heart.
I'm dreading the moment--and there will be one, I know it--when my kid realizes that there are people who don't like her--or even hate her--because of her skin color, or because her parents aren't straight, or because her mom's fat, or because she's adopted, or because we're not religious, etc. And it'll be even worse if it's not just random strangers who dislike her, but people she's legally related to. I will likely choose not to really expose her to those people, so she won't develop a bond with them and thus be hurt even more by their prejudice when she discovers it. If they're effectively strangers, that revelation will sting a lot less.
But it's still going to hurt, and I'm still furious that my kid is inevitably going to suffer just because there are so many ignorant, hateful, small minded people--some of whom I have the misfortune to be related to.
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no subject
Now, I don't know if that tactic would work with everyone, but my great-grandmother never again let slip that she had any racist tendencies when she was around me. I found out in high school, when I was dating a really great guy who happened to be African-American and my mom made a joking comment about how sending a copy of one of our dance photos would give my great-grandmother a coronary... and then explained about the ultimatum she'd laid down.
Like I said, I don't know how well that would work with your family, and maybe my parents were lucky, too, in that they only had the one person to deal with and she was an otherwise intelligent woman who could at least be reasoned with.
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It blew my mind when I heard a relative saying something horrible when I was a teenager. I completely wasn't expecting it because mean people were someone else, some vague 'other', and not family. If that makes any sense.
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You might consider staying in touch with your mother. She still loves you in spite of all the lies. I, however, don't have enough years left to waste any time on a whiny, self absorbed, ungrateful wretch who has to tear others down to feel better about herslf. I'm sorry it has come to this but I can no longer handle your hurtful lies.
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I can take criticism when it is offered as such and not as an indictment. Yes, I do believe that you love me, as much as you are capable of loving someone that you believe does bad things. I still don't know what it is you think are bad things. Is it because I like to tease those I care about? Is it something else? You never say what it is, just that I do bad things. If that were true why would I and your mother have so many varied and diverse friends? Why would Ariyel profess to love us? Why would many of your friends, gay and otherwise, like us? We have black friends (excuse me, African-American), American Indian friends (excuse me again, Native American), oh wait I was born in this country so I am also a Native American so I guess we can't count them. We have Asian friends and Mexican (and Mexican-American) friends. Old people and young people (some in their teens) and everything in between. Gays and lesbians, straights and some I'm not sure of, so where are you getting the idea that I'm homophobic and hate people of color? Remember, I have an adopted brother and a nephew that are gay and I have a daughter that is gender different. Have I ever made you feel that I looked down on you for that? If so, I'm sorry, because I feel that I have let you have your life and I feel that I have NOT said or done anything that would make you feel differently. Maybe it's because I once stated that I didn't like those people that came here to rape our country and only want the free stuff and do not want to become part of what was once a great country? If so, I am still guilty of feeling that way.
Your mother mentioned something that I had forgotten. Our Dr wants to use me as an example and inspiration for some of her patients since I am very upbeat and never down. One of the reasons I feel I should cut off our relationship, or rather, lack of one. It is a downer and you never listen to my side of anything. You are always the one that's right no matter.
Hundreds, and I repeat, hundreds of people like, and yes, even love us. So where is your attitude coming from? Yes, I used to be very bigoted and am still in some areas like mentioned before but I have improved immensely in the last 20 or so years. I find it sad that you haven't even noticed that.
Yes, I have a weird sense of humor but at least I have one. It seems you don't anymore. Just because something doesn't seem funny to you doesn't mean it isn't funny. A case in point is the TV show "Big Bang". Most geeks I know also think it's funny, especially when it points out the absurdity of what is often the truth.
BTW, I don't have a lot of what I would consider an enemy. But I am not going to get into politics since that makes you angry.
Maybe I'm wrong but if you don't want your child to be around us that is your privilege but I think you would be depriving your child if that is your decision.
And yes we do love you even if you are ashamed of your red neck beginnings and parents.
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What you had to say about my scaring people is true. I have fought that most of my life. I'm big so I also must be stupid and insensitive. It hurts even worse when it comes from someone that should know better. As a result I have developed a hard shell to try to protect myself. It wasn't something that I meant to do, it just happened as a defense mechanism. I tend to lash out when someone hurts me. With your health problems I really thought you would understand but it seemed that you didn't. You're right, I thought you were just trying to hurt me for some reason and I didn't understand what I had done to cause you to hate me. So I lashed out in return. (This comment will continue.)
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I will only talk about political stuff here in general and nothing specific and will definitely keep it short. I don't like either party as I feel they are both wrong. All I can do is look at what's going on and select the party I feel is doing the least damage. As you already know, I feel that socialism is wrong because I feel in the long run it hurts more people than it helps. I haven't seen anything yet that would change my mind. If anything comes up I will re-access my stand. As you know I am a social liberal but a fiscal conservative. I hope this will help you understand where I'm coming from and that's all I have to say on the subject.
It looks like your observation that we have been misunderstanding each other seems to be correct. One of our problems has been our feelings about Mike visiting his parents. We kinda thought we were actually better people and couldn't understand why they were worth a visit and we weren't. I know that's kinda small and petty of us and probably not even true but sometimes we just can't help how we feel, especially when it comes from someone who has the power to really hurt us. I'm sure there has to be some more dialogue but this is really a good start. BTW,I'm sorry to hear about the tooth problem. I still remember how bad my teeth hurt so I can empathize. I look forward to maybe clearing up some of the things that have been hanging up our relationship. We love you and always will.
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