Texty

Hallefreakinlujah: I'm unemployed! Today was my last day--almost exactly three months since I started--and I've decided I'm never, ever going back there again. The people are nice, but the actual work itself has been miserable for me. I need out. And thankfully, I AM.

Have also decided that I'm going to stay unemployed for quite a while, unless we suddenly need the money or MSNBC has a gig I want. As I mentioned a couple of posts back, I've been mommy-tracking my career for years, now. Time to stop doing that, do the mommy thing, and then get started back up on it again once the kid's ready for day care. I've wasted far too many years in jobs in which my education and skills were utterly useless. If I go working again, I want it to be in something where I'm valued and useful and, I hope, can make a positive difference in the world. What I've been doing for the last five years? Not that. I think I burned out on this on my last go. These last three months have been excruciating. Yay that they paid for London, but still. Enough.

Near-term post-job plan is to dive back into the writing, and start pushing hard to get at least one of my novels sold. I'm not certain that'll happen, of course, but I want to at least try. Given that I've also already written a chapter on yet another new book, I think it's time I consider myself a serious writer. I'm always looking to improve, of course, but I think I'm at least as good as many of the published writers in my genre. All that's left, really, is people paying me for the pleasure of reading my stories, which is more a business effort than a creative one--and one I think I can handle.

So, yeah. I'm going to do that for the next several months--however long it takes to get picked by a birthfamily. Then I'll spend a year or so with the sprog while it's tiny and needs constant attention. Once that's all done--two years and change from now, prolly--I'll take a look at circumstances and decide then what to do about getting a proper paycheck again.

As I mentioned on FB, I don't want to go too long without having some sort of resume fodder--I'm far too practical of a person to screw myself over like that--but yes, I am going to take some time off for now. Honestly, we don't need the money. We DO need my sanity, and that was being sucked dry by that horrid job.

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The only downside, of course, is that it means we have less money for travel. I think I'm good on that front for the time being, though. As I mentioned, London took a lot out of me, and I think my days of hardcore traveling like that are done. Definitely a few other things we want to do--New England, Mexico and of course some regular Hawaii and Florida jaunts--but the long, transoceanic flights to cavernous airports? Not so much. Oz and NZ will have to wait until I have more bandwidth. Which prolly won't happen until the kid is travel-ready, which will be a while. I know I'll get itchy feet again--soon, even--but I think I can keep them satisfied on this continent for now.

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Speaking of the kid thing ... we're alllllmost done with the first half of the process. We've written the (enormous) check for the pool-entry fee, and tomorrow is the last of our home-study interviews. All that's left after this is getting a photo collage together and getting in a few reference letters, and we're good to go. I'm guessing another couple of weeks, tops, before I can point y'all to our profile page on the agency's waiting-parents site. I'm nervous as all hell, but also really looking forward to being done with this part of things. Idle waiting I can handle. Seven months of paperwork hell? Driving me bonkers.

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Have to remind myself: with at least a year of no real responsibilities, I don't HAVE to do everything on my to-do list in the next 48 hours. But oh, so tempted. The back yard, for one, has been begging for all sorts of attention. It's gotten some--there's a new batch of birdfeeders and a bunch of container garden stuff--but still needs more spiffing. It's rapidly becoming my favorite place to be on a nice day. It can be a bit noisy at times. There's all the games at the park across the street, a tiny bit of freeway noise from the 405 down the hill, and frequent Cessnas overhead (there's a small airport nearby.) But beyond that, it's actually very peaceful. Everything's green and lush and the birdies absolutely love it. We've had tons of hummingbirds this year so far, and I've counted every single kind of bird we've had back there before, plus a few new ones. Love it!

Also have some gaming to do, some fandom stuff (a few fics and vids) and a LOT of reading and movies/TV to catch up on. Also want to properly cook again. Planning to conduct the writing thing in a professional way--making sure I meet a daily wordcount--but beyond that, I'm squirming about having more freedom.

Honestly, this feels like I'm getting back to my real life--back to me. I think I've more than paid my working-world dues at this point. I want to work on the rest of who I am, now. I'm not getting any younger, and my health means I probably won't have many retirement years to do all this in. I'll be damned if I'm going to let any more of my life slip away in a tiny, flourescent-lit box if I don't absolutely have to.

So, since I haven't updated about this since my last bellyaching ...

I first sent mail to my teammate, confirming that it wasn't just me--there's really next to no work for us. In the middle of that, I also discovered something else that's a roadblock for the team, with larger-scale potential repercussions. So, I broke down and wrote a long mail to my boss about it all late last week.

Things post-mail are still settling out, so I don't really know what's next. But it does seem like our workload is slowing down to a trickle--and a trickle of stuff I really don't want to do. I already suggested that if this really is just a one-person job, then I'm happy to train my teammate on the stuff she doesn't know, and let her have it. Having my position go away due to budget reasons would be the best course of action, I think. It'd mean I wouldn't lose brownie points with my agency for quitting/breaking contract (and thus can get another one later if I want) but it'd also get me out of this mind-numbingly boring and degrading position I'm in now.

There is still a dilemma, though, and I've come to realize that it's why, despite the adoption process going well, despite the upcoming London trip, despite the great weather and everything else, I'm actually kind of miserable right now.

( Downwardly mobile dog )

It's weird to look around and see how much I have and yet still feel so desperate. I'm sure people look at my life and think I have it all, and wonder why I worry so much. But that's just the thing--I don't have it all. M does. This stuff isn't mine. It's his. And if we split up, it'd all go away. I'd keep some of the material goods, and we'd split whatever pittance we could get from selling the house, but that wouldn't last. He'd be perfectly fine--financially, at least--if we split. I'd be fucked. This is not how my life was supposed to go. I did well in school. I went to college. I worked like a dog as soon as I could, stopped only when my stupid body told me I had to, and started again as soon as I was able. This shouldn't be happening to me.

I suppose this is probably why I have so much sympathy for other people who are on various forms of public support. I know very well that but for the grace of my husband's paychecks, I'd be one of them. Not through any fault or laziness of my own, but just because this is how things are sometimes. Where you get in life is only about half what you put into it. The other half is where you start and fate. People who are fucked on that other half shouldn't be assumed to have fucked off on the effort part. Unless you're lucky enough to have 30 years of living expenses set away somewhere, anyone can come to ruin at any moment--even M could, if he lost his job. Sure, we could've lived closer to the edge all this time and saved more rainy-day money, but it wouldn't be enough to make that big of a difference, long-term (and the mental health benefits of travel, the safe, comfortable house, etc., go a long way to making the rest of it possible anyway. I don't regret what we've spent so far--it's been its own investment.)

So, no. It's not weird that I'm so worried about my future survival when my ability to support myself is so fragile.

At the moment, all my hope lies in one thing: being able to sell at least one of my novels, and write/sell more while I'm home with the little one. That doesn't pay a lot, either, but it's at least possibly steady work if I'm able to sell enough of one to get contracts for more. It's also something I could do while doing paycheck-earning work of other kinds until I got better established as a writer. Best of all, it would be something I could take pride in, rather than something that made me feel like a particularly technical worker bee.

But that's hardly a guarantee. And with the current gig having hit the iceberg, just waiting around for that lifeboat to maybe show up so I don't go down with this slowly sinking ship is agonizing.

Haven't done one of these in a while!

Digest version, for those in tl;dr mode: I wrote another book, our adoption process marches on, I have yet to get an offer for a W2-earning job and I'm dying for a proper vacation.

The long version:

( I wrote a book! Now, bring on the revision/publishing angst. )

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( I wrote another book. A while ago. And am also angsting about it. )

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On to other things which are just as fraught with Social Bullshit angst, but a different kind, at least.

( Adoption process update )

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( Not going back to chorus )

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( Still unemployed. Now slightly annoyed by that. )

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( I just need my own private jet so I can go whereever I want. )

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Other than all that, life goes on. Still playing video games, hanging out in various fan circles, grousing about politics, getting annoyed at the cats, blah blah. Getting things together for spring back-yard mucking, too. Slightly angsty and irritated at the world for big meta stuff, but otherwise in good nick.

This past weekend's retreat thingy proved a few things to me:

1. I'm not a lesbian.
I am most definitely sexually and romantically attracted to many women, of many different kinds (oh, am I) and I love my female friends, but where a lesbian might feel comfortable and energized at being in an estrogen-dominant environment, I find it awkward and draining. When I found myself gravitating to the handful of (queer) guys there, I knew something was off.

I think the reason for this really boils down to my gender stuff. I've tried really hard to find a model of womanness that feels right to me (and of course there are many; there's no one right way to be a woman) but I've just never landed on that. I can relate to other women in many ways--common interests/experiences/humanity--but I don't have that automatic sense of identification many women do with each other. It never feels "native" to me, if that makes any sense. Still don't feel male enough to transition, but I definitely identify more with men. So, yeah. Always feel slightly out-of-place when I'm surrounded by women.

2. I think I've got all I'm going to get out of this group.
Much as I've enjoyed getting back up to speed on singing, I think it's time for me to move on. Which I always knew I'd do, of course. What with the adoption thing and wanting to do more-complex music, I knew I wouldn't be here forever. Just kind of surprised it only took me one term to make up for the four years of being away from singing. Guess the riding-a-bike thing is true of riding my instrument, so to speak. I do still have some work to do on getting my sight-singing up to speed before I go auditioning for one of the next-tier groups (and they're not auditioning until summer anyway) but I think that's prolly best done with a coach. And since I'm not getting anything else out of this group, and I'm starting to dread rehearsals and the upcoming concerts (much less the summer choral festival), I think it's time I shifted gears to something else. I don't ever want to go another four years without singing again, but I also need to do the kind of singing, and be in the kind of group, that really feeds my soul. And this just isn't it. Nothing wrong with the group--just not for me, is all.

3. Bandwidth limitations suck
Got submitted for another work gig. Three positions with this one (it's a startup team) and one is an interesting schedule. The contract also only goes through June, which would be good. I really don't want to work right now. I would much rather spend my days writing, among other things. But we could definitely use the money, just to have on hand for any unforeseen adoption expenses and such. And I can always quit if I don't like it. Of course, I may not even get an interview, considering the last three submissions didn't come to anything, either. Can't decide which is more irritating: facing having to do the office grind again, or realizing I'm actually having trouble finding a job, which is slightly scary.

If I do start working, though, there's really no way I can give any more energy to this chorus. I'm feeling pulled apart enough as it is with just the adoption prep getting in the way of writing time/focus. If I'm doing the paycheck thing, I'm going to be in big trouble if I'm trying to do chorus, too.

So, the job I've sort of been waiting for just came up.

On paper, I'm definitely qualified for it. I have everything they want in terms of knowledge, experience, technical skills, etc. The only thing I don't quite have is enough leadership experience, since I've only done the bossing-people-around thing a little bit here and there. Still, I'd definitely be one of their top candidates, I expect, and a little bit of interview magic would probably get me in, unless someone else is just miles better.

But, some problems:

1. I don't want to work right now. I'm enjoying my sabbatical, and really, really need the downtime for mental health reasons. Related, getting this job now would get in the way of my DragonCon travel plans. Which is another mental health thing.

2. I'm sort of in an anti-journalism mindset at the moment. I'm so disgusted by the NOTW thing and so burned out after three years of working on stuff that occasionally got creepy that I'm in a mental palate-cleansing phase. I'll be back in the game again eventually. Just don't want to be caught up in the news cycle for now.

3. We're probably going to be starting the adoption process in September (currently waiting on numbers for M's annual review to budget for it.) The process itself wouldn't require me not to be working, but once the kid shows up, I'm planning to take at least a year off. Getting a job now would mean only being in it for a year, tops.

4. The above issues mean I'd have a hard time selling myself. My resume would get me an interview, I'm pretty sure of that. But I'm not sure I'd pass the interview itself because I don't think I could fake enthusiasm for the company/job well enough to do so.

Meh.

If this job came up three months from now, I'd probably jump on it. But I just don't want it right at this moment, and since my paycheck isn't essential, I don't need it, either.

Thing is, I'm wondering if I'm shooting myself in the foot on a long-term career basis by not going for this right now. A job like this is so rare that it's not going to come up again anytime soon. If I turn it down now, it'll be years before something similar comes around. This is absolutely the kind of job I want to be in 2-3 years from now, and something I'd be comfortable doing for years beyond that. I just don't want it right now.

Dangit. I don't know what to do. :(

The biggest thing on my horizon at the moment, of course, is the fact that in 72 hours, I'll be on a plane on the way to London. Yay!

But I'm also looking ahead of that, since I've been tying up loose ends at work, and figuring out what I'll need to do there when I get back. And I'm realizing that I'm probably in for one hell of a bout of post-travel depression, because the adoption is the only big thing I can see in my near future, and hanging my hat solely on that isn't exactly a recipe for mental health.

( Don't mind me. Just feeling icky at the mo and need to write to get it out of my system )

In truth, I envy people who can content themselves with friends, family and a non-soul-sucking job that pays the bills. I've always--always--felt my life had to have something more. I've cut my expectations down from the worldwide fame and political power I imagined at age 10, yeah, but I still need something else--something uniquely mine--to point to. I have just this one life, and I have above-average skills in certain things, and I can't stand the idea of wasting that just... existing. I want to leave more of myself when I die than a kid, a paid-off mortgage and a crapload of vacation photos.

The question is: What?

Maybe three weeks on another continent will give me some epiphanies this direction. I hope so. I'm never content unless I'm working toward a big goal, and too much time being less than useful will drive me batty.

The new Primeval was awesome--and I got to see it earlier than I thought I would!

And then this happened.

( big image behind the cut )

Hall-decking, while not as elaborate as I'd like (and would do if I weren't working) is basically done. Two batches of cookies done, and a couple more on the way. Half of the gift shopping done. Aside from a few more gifts and some cards, I'm in good shape.

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Oh, and as for the cards, y'all may get them after Christmas. Which is par for the course for me anyway.

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Very much looking forward to doing some socializing soon. Having some lovely folks and their adorably squirmy little ones over for brunch on Sunday. Plotting the best ways to leave them all uncomfortably full of food. May also see about tackling another person for dinner soon.

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Work has been alternately frustrating and satisfying. Have earned some serious brownie points lately, and also will have a byline piece coming up in a couple of weeks. But also have had some roadblocking issues, and a ton of year-end content to wrangle, so the schedule has been brutal. Spose it's a good thing in a way. The harder I have to work, the less time I have to think about some of the truly trashy content I'm working on.

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WRT real work: I haven't written much on the novel this week, but I did churn out another ~3k words last week, and feel pretty good about that. I'm optimistic that I may well finish this damned thing someday. And really? I'm starting to fall more in love with the story, which is good motivation. I really love my characters and think they're having fun and exciting adventures, and that makes a big difference.

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Sort of hoping fandom stuff is quiet for the next few days. It's been an embarrassment of riches recently--which is great, of course, but also frustrating because I don't have the time right now to to truly enjoy it. Gnarh.

Scalzi posted something recently about new writers trying to find the time to write with busy schedules, parenting, etc. The gist of his advice was this: If you really want to be a writer, you find time to write. The obvious extension of this idea is that if you really want something, you find a way to make it happen. (Obviously, taking into account actually insurmountable limitations.)

This idea has been gnawing at me the last several days--the idea that if I don't have some of the things I want, yet (a proper career, a kid, etc.) then I must not really want them that badly because I haven't found a way to make them happen.

Only... I don't think that's actually true. It may be true that I haven't put massive effort into certain things, but it's not that I don't want them. It's that I'm afraid of putting in all that effort and coming up short anyway. Because that's happened to me so many times I no longer have any confidence that hard work/sacrifice is always or even most of the time going to pay off.

( A couple of examples )

I'm absolutely willing to put in quite a bit of effort if I have some sense that doing so will give me at least some semblance of the results I want. The uprooting thing, for instance. I worked my ass off to make that happen because I knew that there was a good chance it would. And, well, a year later, here we are, happy as little clams in our new pad. Same thing with my last degree. Spending $30k and living in B'ham for almost two years wasn't exactly easy, but I knew I could do it, and at the end of it, I have a pretty little certificate hanging on my wall and a far greater earning potential than I would've had otherwise.

Yet if I'm not certain, or don't think I have at least a fighting chance to reach my goal? Then no. No matter how much I may want something, if I don't have at least some confidence that the odds are in my favor, I just can't see blowing that much time and energy on it.

It may break my heart--and does, to an extremely painful degree--that I wasn't able to put together an opera career, but once I realized that no matter how good I was, it wasn't good enough because I didn't have the right pedigree, I gave up. Likewise, I dropped my music degree at the very end of it because there was no physical way possible for me to pass the keyboard competency part of it. I wanted those things. Really, really, really wanted them, but it eventually became clear that wanting and working at them wasn't going to be enough, so I had to let them go and move on to a career in which I had a fighting chance.

I sincerely believe that hard work is necessary to reach most goals. Some folks are born with privilege such that they don't have to work as hard as others, and that sucks. Level playing fields would be nice. But aside from that, yeah, all of us need to put in some effort. However, I really dislike the implication that if we don't have something we want, it's just because we don't want it enough to work at it.

The truth of life is that, even beyond hard limitations outside our control, often the effort required to reach a goal is far, far out of proportion with the chances of getting there, and with the benefits of that goal. At some point, you have to ask yourself whether what you want is really worth the massive outlays of time, money and energy necessary to get it.* And just because someone isn't willing to torture themselves like that for something doesn't mean they're lazy or don't "really" want it. It just means that they've made sensible choices of what to do with their resources and have decided that those resources are better spent on something else.

Pursuing a dream is all well and good and sounds romantic, but reality and responsible adulthood aren't often compatible with that pursuit. A person who acknowledges that reality and responsibility isn't a lesser being for having done so.

And yes, I'm musing over that question a lot these days wrt the adoption.

First impressions: My, it's flat. And has a chewable layer of smog. Ick. Also, there are only about half a dozen buildings with more than ~50 floors. I was somehow expecting a metropolis, I guess. Some rather pretty old architecture here and there, however. Hoping to see more if we can run around a bit.

Was also rather impressed by the massive nuclear plant we saw as we were descending (four cooling towers. Eesh. Dunno if that was GA or MS, tho.)

Other than that, I haven't seen much of it yet. I tried desperately to get some proper sleep last night and it just didn't happen. Finally passed out around 2:30 or 3, and then got right back up at 6. Tried to sleep on the plane--no go, even in first class (yay for mileage plan bonuses.)

This lack of sleep, and my usual annoyance at the first part of travel (Big Fucking Airports, too-close quarters with strangers, eensy beency airplane loos, fucked-up car rental locations...) made me far too tired and cranky to do anything else tonight. Only posting this here now because it's keeping me awake until a reasonable hour to turn in. So I don't, y'know, get used to waking up at 5 am here and then start passing out at home around 8 pm when I get back.

Registration for the con is tomorrow afternoon. Will get the lay of the land then and get a better idea of what I'm doing the rest of the time here. May spend the earlier part of the day driving around in circles.

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Oh, and in other Texty-licious news: I have a job again. My old team apparently wants me back--so much so that they're foregoing an interview. So I'm starting again the week after we get back. Dunno much in the way of details beyond that, though. Curious what the contract length is, but I'm up for just about anything, really. I'm enjoying my sabbatical, but I'd also enjoy a regular paycheck again.

On the chance that I do have a long contract ahead, I think I'm going to treat this weekend shindig as sort of a last hurrah before going back to the grind. So, tonight's catatonia aside, I plan to party my everloving geeky butt off.

That, combined with shittastic net access and cel signal here at the hotel, means I'll be on the brownout side of Internet Dark for the next few days. Holla if anything interesting happens.

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Random sad fan note: I actually hauled out M's laptop on the plane so I could watch yesterday's ep of Ideal and jot down the first few grafs of a fic whose bunny was threatening to chew my leg off and beat me with it. Huh.