Texty

OK, so I don't really fancy myself at that level. Hardly. But I think I've nailed down why I'm dreading tomorrow's preview show, and why I'm glad this chorus term is almost over: I am seriously musically/creatively frustrated, and it's driving me up the damned wall.

I don't mean this to be an indictment of the group--there's nothing wrong with it, for what it is. But ... I really, really, really need to be singing more hardcore stuff. The one challenging piece we're doing is being slaughtered because it's beyond most of the folks in the group, and everything else is pop songs and Kirby Fucking Shaw arrangements of hoary old standards. Fun for a casual singer, definitely, but for me, it's just jaw-achingly tiresome.

Add in all the other issues I'm having with it--being surrounded by 200 chatty women, for instance--and it's all coming up to be an exercise in ennervation. What I wanted from this group--reminding myself what it feels like to sing--happened in the first three weeks I was in rehearsals. I stuck with it this long, thinking it would get better, but it just didn't. I'm completely behind the idea of the group--it obviously fills a niche both in a political and social sense for most of the people in it--but it's just not giving me anything I need. Instead, it's only reminding me of what I wish I was really doing. Which is very, very depressing.

I know this probably sounds impossibly snobby. I get that I'm hardly some elite diva. But imagine any other occupation in which one has a fair amount of skill and ~20 years' experience, and then imagine being stuck in a job that's journeyman level, at best. There's no shame in being a journeyman, for those who are legitimately at that level, but it's hardly soul-satisfying for someone who is years beyond it.

I'm not haughtily declaring that I'm too awesome to hang with the unwashed masses. I'm just saying that singing is so incredibly important to my emotional well-being that not being able to cut loose and do it the way I've spent half my life training to do feels like a massive case of creative blue balls. I would rather not sing at all than sit around in rehearsals while everyone else is getting drilled on rhythms when I've been off book for a month.

All of this, of course, is compounded by being frustrated in my other passions, too. The journalism thing is a bust, for various reasons (and I can't even seem to get a job right now.) I'm stymied on the novel writing for a reason I can't nail down. My fandom stuff is kind of blowing up. The adoption stuff is a bone-achingly slow and bureaucratic process. And I can't even get my damned cat to stop harassing his feline housemates. Argh.

If I thought it would do me any good, I'd hop in my car right now and just take off for god knows where. But, as a wise person once said: no matter where you go, there you are. I'd only be taking my frustrations with me.

I will most likely do these concerts, out of my own sense of duty and professionalism. But I'm not going to enjoy them the way I ought to be enjoying performing. And I can't describe how much that breaks my heart.

This broke my heart--even just the first page of it.

It's really sad how common this stupid dance is--for everyone: Male, female, straight or no.

Most of the reason that people (women, especially) are so subtle about such propositioning is because they're either a) afraid people are going to think they're a slutty sex maniac or b) don't want to risk a painful direct rejection.

Granted that very few people, except in very limited circumstances, really are going to respond favorably to a direct proposition, especially by a stranger or someone they don't know well. It is kind of rude to just walk up to someone and say, "Nice Boots. Wanna fuck?" But beyond that, it's a damned shame that so many people are so shy about this.

The problem, however, is that most people DO have a reason to be shy about it: Assholes who think that rejecting people in a cruel way is even remotely acceptable. All it takes is one or two of these harsh shutdowns and just about anyone is going to think twice the next time they want to either drop hints or pick some up.

Really, how hard is it to just say, "I'm flattered, but I don't see you that way?" (Or something to that effect.) Is it really necessary to be a total ass about it and make horribly disparaging comments about what gall someone must have to think you might want do the horizontal hula? Unless you really ARE being propositioned in a rude way in inappropriate circumstances, there's absolutely no call to be a dick about it.

Obviously, I'm speaking from personal experience, and as someone who knows very well that she's not attractive to most people and therefore doesn't bother even dropping hints unless she knows for sure they're welcome. But even people who are a hell of a lot more conventionally attractive than me have had these experiences, and therefore get insecure, and are terrified that the person they like is going to tell them that they're a horrible troll who shouldn't even be thinking about sex, much less asking other people if they're interested in having it.

So the endless dance continues. People are afraid of asking--even in a polite, non-creepy way--for what they want, so they try to be subtle about it. And then that subtlety makes the object of the request unsure of what they're being asked, and therefore afraid to pick up on it. End result: No one gets laid. Which is sad and pathetic and stupid.

I've probably had about four hours of sleep, but they were interrupted by waking up every hour, and I have a raging headache to boot, now. Hoping a meal and another dose of pain meds kills that and knocks me back out again soon.

Should probably check in with work while I'm conscious, though. I feel terrible being out like this when we're in the middle of this new project, especially given that I've been making some stupid mistakes lately. Erf.

...to be less than pleasant.

Was woken up at 4 by cat chaos. Said chaos continued until 6, making sleep impossible. Caught another hour or so after that, but I'm way short. This? Not optimal.

Movers here in 10 mins.

*guzzles caffeine*