Texty

So, since I haven't updated about this since my last bellyaching ...

I first sent mail to my teammate, confirming that it wasn't just me--there's really next to no work for us. In the middle of that, I also discovered something else that's a roadblock for the team, with larger-scale potential repercussions. So, I broke down and wrote a long mail to my boss about it all late last week.

Things post-mail are still settling out, so I don't really know what's next. But it does seem like our workload is slowing down to a trickle--and a trickle of stuff I really don't want to do. I already suggested that if this really is just a one-person job, then I'm happy to train my teammate on the stuff she doesn't know, and let her have it. Having my position go away due to budget reasons would be the best course of action, I think. It'd mean I wouldn't lose brownie points with my agency for quitting/breaking contract (and thus can get another one later if I want) but it'd also get me out of this mind-numbingly boring and degrading position I'm in now.

There is still a dilemma, though, and I've come to realize that it's why, despite the adoption process going well, despite the upcoming London trip, despite the great weather and everything else, I'm actually kind of miserable right now.

( Downwardly mobile dog )

It's weird to look around and see how much I have and yet still feel so desperate. I'm sure people look at my life and think I have it all, and wonder why I worry so much. But that's just the thing--I don't have it all. M does. This stuff isn't mine. It's his. And if we split up, it'd all go away. I'd keep some of the material goods, and we'd split whatever pittance we could get from selling the house, but that wouldn't last. He'd be perfectly fine--financially, at least--if we split. I'd be fucked. This is not how my life was supposed to go. I did well in school. I went to college. I worked like a dog as soon as I could, stopped only when my stupid body told me I had to, and started again as soon as I was able. This shouldn't be happening to me.

I suppose this is probably why I have so much sympathy for other people who are on various forms of public support. I know very well that but for the grace of my husband's paychecks, I'd be one of them. Not through any fault or laziness of my own, but just because this is how things are sometimes. Where you get in life is only about half what you put into it. The other half is where you start and fate. People who are fucked on that other half shouldn't be assumed to have fucked off on the effort part. Unless you're lucky enough to have 30 years of living expenses set away somewhere, anyone can come to ruin at any moment--even M could, if he lost his job. Sure, we could've lived closer to the edge all this time and saved more rainy-day money, but it wouldn't be enough to make that big of a difference, long-term (and the mental health benefits of travel, the safe, comfortable house, etc., go a long way to making the rest of it possible anyway. I don't regret what we've spent so far--it's been its own investment.)

So, no. It's not weird that I'm so worried about my future survival when my ability to support myself is so fragile.

At the moment, all my hope lies in one thing: being able to sell at least one of my novels, and write/sell more while I'm home with the little one. That doesn't pay a lot, either, but it's at least possibly steady work if I'm able to sell enough of one to get contracts for more. It's also something I could do while doing paycheck-earning work of other kinds until I got better established as a writer. Best of all, it would be something I could take pride in, rather than something that made me feel like a particularly technical worker bee.

But that's hardly a guarantee. And with the current gig having hit the iceberg, just waiting around for that lifeboat to maybe show up so I don't go down with this slowly sinking ship is agonizing.

I think I need to face the fact that I've become lactose intolerant.

Given my adoration for all things cheese and ice cream, plus considering cereal an appropriate meal for any time of day, I'm completely screwed.

I may try those little pills, I spose.


Also, am slightly disappointed that I got wrapped up in writing tonight and somehow missed M going to bed. Was all ready to go cuddle and chat for a bit a couple of hours ago, and he was already passed out. :(

At least I'm proud of what I wrote, though. Did a very difficult scene--pushed past my comfort zone.


Hanging out a bit with K tomorrow (which means ~4 hours in the car) but also want to write and work on vids, and dig into the Supernatural season 5 discs we're getting from Netflix. Too much to do in my one remaining weekend before I have to start being responsible again.

M has some sort of miserable creeping crud, so he's staying home today and currently passed out on the couch.

Our lack of meds for these sorts of afflictions necessitated an early morning trip to Tarzhay for yours truly (despite not feeling 100% myself.) Discovered that location didn't have a pharmacy, so I need to figure out a solution for my currently empty bottle of brain meds.

Spent the rest of the morning puttering around the downstairs of the villa. It had been a few days since I'd spent any real time here--being at the house so much--so it was starting to get kind of scary. Still needs work, but the kitchen is tidier and the fridge is now full of fresh food.

Still have piles of laundry to do, and much floor cleaning necessary.

Not entirely sure what I'll be up to at the house tomorrow. Probably working on the garage. Still can't decide whether we should try to sell anything or just dump it all on a charity.

Feeling strangely pessimistic today about how much money we're going to manage to pull together for a down payment. If necessary, we can wait things out here at the villa for a while until we find the exact right place in our price range, but I'm finding myself very nervous about how much the house is going to be able to sell for, and how quickly it might sell. I can guess, based on comps and how the market's performing and such, but really, it's very much up in the air.

I'm also realizing that I may be stuck for at least a month or two with nothing much to do after we list the house. Normally, I'd take at least some of that time to do some traveling, but with needing to be available in case we get an offer, that's kind of out. Plus there's the whole let's not spend money thing. Maybe I'll work on my novel or something.

Hm. I haven't really eaten anything yet today. I should try to do something about that.

One of the reasons I love M? We have some of the strangest bedtime conversations ever. Last night's, for instance, was a discussion of the potential for natural disasters to wipe out the entire human population, and what the people on the space station might do if everyone on Earth suddenly died.

I think I married him just because I can talk about crazy shit like this and he doesn't think I'm weird for it.

Last night's entertainment was a blast. Got to hang out at mrdorbin's place (sadly, sans southplains) and play some silly games. I SO need to have more social time. I don't conversate with my co-workers much at all, and we live so far out in the boonies that it's not easy to visit folks (or have them visit) on a whim. There are times I think I get into flamewars just for the sake of talking to other people about something besides work. Sigh...

New HP trailer... eh. Not so much with the wow.

My original plan for this weekend was for us to go out of town to celebrate M's birthday, but for financial and logistical reasons, that didn't happen. So instead I kidnapped him and took him to the zoo, since neither of us have been there in quite some time. We got a little too tired to do the whole shebang, but I did get to see most of the primates and the adorable river otters. I've also decided I want a Golden Lion Tamarin as a pet. Not really, of course, but damn, they're cute.

We then drove around Green Lake and Greenwood for a bit and then had lunch at the new Panera (it's big!) at Northgate. We don't actually go south of Lynnwood very often these days, so it was nice to get some city germs on us again.

I'm so sore, though. Three hours of walking is far more than I usually do, so I kind of wore myself out. I'll probably be whining like crazy tomorrow. Ah, well. 'Twas worth it.

Yesterday we had some workers come by to finish up the last bits of stuff we needed for the flooring project. We finally have furniture back in the guest room and dining room again! We still need to finish some of the arranging and such. I'll probably work on all that next week, in addition to my interminable and increasingly depressing job hunt.

More of what I've been up to lately over on fanbitch and a personal filter post coming up sometime tomorrow (yes, I know you're all dying to read it. ;) )