Jun. 17th, 2011 10:14 pm
State of the Texty: Jet Lag Edition
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textualdevianceHit the ground running as soon as we got back, and have barely had time to think, let alone properly sleep. It caught up with me Wednesday, and I ended up working from home--and doing rather awfully with it--due to sleep-deprived delirium. Conking out soon and plan to veg in the theater all day tomorrow with our massive DVR and Netflix backlog.
---
The vacay reports (and there will be one last one when I remember to pull the remaining pics) are up for your perusal (scroll back a few entries.) Long story short if you don't want the slog: It was great, I loved it, but I don't think I'll be moving there. Like home better. :)
---
Two more work weeks before I hit the end of my contract. There's a small chance of a few weeks' extension because one of my eds wants me around for Comic-Con coverage, but that probably won't happen. Technically, I have another four months before I have to take my mandatory break, and my agency might well find me something short for then, but honestly, I think I'd rather have the rest of the summer off. I need a chance to breathe and get my head back on correctly and do some of the big projects I've been putting off.
---
One of said big projects is the adoption thing, though that's... sort of up in the air right now. While we were away, I got to thinking about how much I love traveling, and, really, having the freedom to just pick up and go or otherwise follow whims. I started thinking about how parenting would really mean basically doing nothing but that for the next 5-10 years of my life (until the kid's more adaptable), and wondering whether I might end up resenting my kid for taking the last 10 years of the health/energy I'll have.
I really have to be realistic about the fact that I am getting older and not getting really any healthier, so what I have now is basically it. If I did the parenting thing I could probably also do some writing--and would likely do that for the final 10 years of my life, too--but basically everything else? Not an option. Yes, of course, millions of other people manage to climb mountains and run countries while raising kids, but they have more bandwidth than I do, and usually more family/close friends around to help take up the slack now and then. Family's not an option, and most of our local friends are way busy with their own stuff and wouldn't be able to help.
And much as I love the idea of observing the human development process in situ, and getting to know my kid and showing her the world, the reality of solo 24/7 snot-and-diaper duty for the first few years would drive me nuts. I just couldn't handle it largely on my own. Yes, M will be around, but only evenings and weekends. And much as we adore having D here, he's not up for the kid thing, and we wouldn't ask him to.
Our only other options would be nannies, au pairs or day care. If I were working, we could afford at least one of those, but the kid thing will steal enough bandwidth from me--even with the help--that I wouldn't be able to manage that. Plus, it would defeat the purpose of having the extra time to pursue other things (if I loved my career, I'd do that, but the job I have now? Is a reasonably non-soul-sucking paycheck, not a career.)
Sometime in the next several months, we may get a big boost in M's pay which could cover a nanny or something, but without that... Well...
If I don't do this, I'll probably regret it on my deathbed. Being a parent has been something I've always assumed I'd do. But then again, so was being pregnant, winning major awards and having tons of decadent sex with celebrities. And, well...
I can imagine a relatively satisfying life without a kid. I can honestly think of a dozen things I could and would do in the next 10 years without that anchor. But truthfully, most of them are intellectual things, not emotional ones. And that's what I'm afraid of missing out on. I'd undoubtedly get some soul-satisfying work and other life experiences in, but the personal-connection type of stuff? Not so much. I have a great deal of emotional capacity for loving other people that's sitting around unused right now, and I'd love to be able to spend some of it on a kid.
But I do have to be realistic, too, and think about what I honestly have the bandwidth for. And I know that raising a small child virtually on my own is going to be beyond me. So unless something happens that enables me to cut that down to a part-time job, it's going to have to be something I forego.
FWIW, as far as M's concerned, he can go either way. He raised his four siblings, so he says he doesn't need to do the kid thing again. It's all just a matter of what I decide. We'll see how I feel within a few months, I think.
***
One thing we most likely will do in the meantime is get another kitten. It's been horribly empty being just a two-cat household since Fammy died, and poor, ancient Penny is getting pestered by Otter all the time because he's bored and lonely. But with me working, we didn't want to introduce a new furbaby without having someone around to mind it through the chaotic adjustment period. Free time for me, though, means kitten-sitting is possible, so we'll probably go shelter-crawling in the next few weeks. We considered a dog, but with the baby thing still a possibility, we didn't want to go that high-maintenance. So, kitten (or maybe even a 1-2 year old) it is.
***
Feeling slightly maudlin about the end of my show in a couple of weeks. Likely to be the last series of it, unless its primary backer gets good ratings when it airs this series in January. Seems unlikely at this point. And even if it did come back, most of the cast I love might not come with it. So just two more episodes, and then I get to cry a lot. I have a ton of other stuff I love, of course (have really gotten into Game of Thrones in particular), but this is the first thing since LOTR that I've loved enough to join a fandom for, and the fandom itself has been great, too. It'll still exist after the show's gone, of course, but it won't be quite the same, and that concept breaks my heart. :(
***
And on that depressing note, I'm done for the day. Hasta la pasta, and if you want more of me in the meantime, go stalk me on Twitter.
---
The vacay reports (and there will be one last one when I remember to pull the remaining pics) are up for your perusal (scroll back a few entries.) Long story short if you don't want the slog: It was great, I loved it, but I don't think I'll be moving there. Like home better. :)
---
Two more work weeks before I hit the end of my contract. There's a small chance of a few weeks' extension because one of my eds wants me around for Comic-Con coverage, but that probably won't happen. Technically, I have another four months before I have to take my mandatory break, and my agency might well find me something short for then, but honestly, I think I'd rather have the rest of the summer off. I need a chance to breathe and get my head back on correctly and do some of the big projects I've been putting off.
---
One of said big projects is the adoption thing, though that's... sort of up in the air right now. While we were away, I got to thinking about how much I love traveling, and, really, having the freedom to just pick up and go or otherwise follow whims. I started thinking about how parenting would really mean basically doing nothing but that for the next 5-10 years of my life (until the kid's more adaptable), and wondering whether I might end up resenting my kid for taking the last 10 years of the health/energy I'll have.
I really have to be realistic about the fact that I am getting older and not getting really any healthier, so what I have now is basically it. If I did the parenting thing I could probably also do some writing--and would likely do that for the final 10 years of my life, too--but basically everything else? Not an option. Yes, of course, millions of other people manage to climb mountains and run countries while raising kids, but they have more bandwidth than I do, and usually more family/close friends around to help take up the slack now and then. Family's not an option, and most of our local friends are way busy with their own stuff and wouldn't be able to help.
And much as I love the idea of observing the human development process in situ, and getting to know my kid and showing her the world, the reality of solo 24/7 snot-and-diaper duty for the first few years would drive me nuts. I just couldn't handle it largely on my own. Yes, M will be around, but only evenings and weekends. And much as we adore having D here, he's not up for the kid thing, and we wouldn't ask him to.
Our only other options would be nannies, au pairs or day care. If I were working, we could afford at least one of those, but the kid thing will steal enough bandwidth from me--even with the help--that I wouldn't be able to manage that. Plus, it would defeat the purpose of having the extra time to pursue other things (if I loved my career, I'd do that, but the job I have now? Is a reasonably non-soul-sucking paycheck, not a career.)
Sometime in the next several months, we may get a big boost in M's pay which could cover a nanny or something, but without that... Well...
If I don't do this, I'll probably regret it on my deathbed. Being a parent has been something I've always assumed I'd do. But then again, so was being pregnant, winning major awards and having tons of decadent sex with celebrities. And, well...
I can imagine a relatively satisfying life without a kid. I can honestly think of a dozen things I could and would do in the next 10 years without that anchor. But truthfully, most of them are intellectual things, not emotional ones. And that's what I'm afraid of missing out on. I'd undoubtedly get some soul-satisfying work and other life experiences in, but the personal-connection type of stuff? Not so much. I have a great deal of emotional capacity for loving other people that's sitting around unused right now, and I'd love to be able to spend some of it on a kid.
But I do have to be realistic, too, and think about what I honestly have the bandwidth for. And I know that raising a small child virtually on my own is going to be beyond me. So unless something happens that enables me to cut that down to a part-time job, it's going to have to be something I forego.
FWIW, as far as M's concerned, he can go either way. He raised his four siblings, so he says he doesn't need to do the kid thing again. It's all just a matter of what I decide. We'll see how I feel within a few months, I think.
***
One thing we most likely will do in the meantime is get another kitten. It's been horribly empty being just a two-cat household since Fammy died, and poor, ancient Penny is getting pestered by Otter all the time because he's bored and lonely. But with me working, we didn't want to introduce a new furbaby without having someone around to mind it through the chaotic adjustment period. Free time for me, though, means kitten-sitting is possible, so we'll probably go shelter-crawling in the next few weeks. We considered a dog, but with the baby thing still a possibility, we didn't want to go that high-maintenance. So, kitten (or maybe even a 1-2 year old) it is.
***
Feeling slightly maudlin about the end of my show in a couple of weeks. Likely to be the last series of it, unless its primary backer gets good ratings when it airs this series in January. Seems unlikely at this point. And even if it did come back, most of the cast I love might not come with it. So just two more episodes, and then I get to cry a lot. I have a ton of other stuff I love, of course (have really gotten into Game of Thrones in particular), but this is the first thing since LOTR that I've loved enough to join a fandom for, and the fandom itself has been great, too. It'll still exist after the show's gone, of course, but it won't be quite the same, and that concept breaks my heart. :(
***
And on that depressing note, I'm done for the day. Hasta la pasta, and if you want more of me in the meantime, go stalk me on Twitter.
