Texty

I'm apparently a Very Bad Fan.

And for more reasons than just the whole pervy fangirl thing.

To wit: ( I just annoyed some fellow Primeval fans by babbling about TV production. )

This all made me come to a rather embarassing/frustrating realization: I'm increasingly finding myself far more fascinated with the process of putting together TV & movies (and other things) than the end results themselves.

( Actors interest me. But moreseo as actors than the characters they play. )

I don't think I can fool myself anymore: I am a creator. I can't get past that. I can't breathe if I'm not making something regularly, even if that's just trashy fanfic or animated .gifs. I went into journalism--and entertainment media, specifically--in part because it was the closest I could come, given various limitations, to being on the creative side of things.

Which, of course, makes me a bad fan. I can't just sit out there in the audience like I'm supposed to. I want to go see what's happening backstage. I'm in this really weird hybrid place--a sort of purgatory, maybe--where I'm not actually working in production, but I'm also not just a consumer of what they produce. I suspect this makes me annoying to both fellow fans (might even explain a lot of my LOTR fandom disconnect) and to the people whose work fascinates me so much.

It's one thing to be a groupie for an actor because he's cute and plays fun characters well. Quite another to be a groupie for him because you're impressed with the way he works and how he approaches his career. I think I've spent equal amounts of time wishing I could write a script for Andrew to work on as wishing I could get into his pants. If I ever got the chance to talk to him for any length of time, I'd probably talk his ear off about editing software or something.

I think I could manage just being a dorky fangirl. This? This is so much weirder. And I have no idea what to do about it, save for just pushing on, doing my own creating whenever I can, and trying not to drown in frustration and envy when I see other people doing what I really wish I could be.