Maybe I'm just not supposed to be a parent

[textualdeviance]

So, we're finally ready to start the adoption process, and were all set to fill out paperwork. And then we found out that the coordinator we wanted to work with isn't taking new clients.

Fuck.

That means our options are now really, really limited. Problem is, there are only two agencies in the region that affirmatively support queer families. One primarily works with state adoptions, the other only does open. All the rest are international, religious, etc.

The problem with state, of course, is that virtually all of the kids are special-needs, which we're not equipped to handle.

And the problem with the open agency is that they heavily promote ongoing visitation with the birthmother (and even her family, in some cases!) Not just contact and communication, which we're OK with, but actual, in-person visits several times a year. Ack.

I'm up for adopting a kid. I'm not up for adopting her entire birthfamily, too. If I wanted an extended family to come along with the baby, I'd ask one of my fertile friends to have one for us. At least then I'd already know and like the people who'd want to still be a part of her life.

I think the thing that really makes me uncomfortable about this is that it doesn't seem like the birthmothers really want to give up their kids. It seems like adoption in these situations is more like extended foster care. And I just don't want to do that. I don't want to be made to feel like I'm stealing her baby; that she's only giving it up because she's too young or poor or whatever to raise it herself.

And I really dislike the impression that we poor, barren people are subordinate to the queen of fertility who's deigning to give us a gift, for which we owe her hosannas. Not that I'd want the opposite, of course. I don't like the idea of agencies that make birthmoms feel like dirty Jezebels who should be grateful that someone else wants to clean up after their mistake. I don't think either party has moral high ground, here. Hell, I don't think there's a moral ground in the first place.

Ideally, I just want this to be sort of a business transaction. She has something she doesn't want, we want something she has, the agency does the paperwork, and then we all move on with our lives. We'd stay in contact, of course, especially in case the kid gets curious and wants to meet her someday. But we wouldn't be trying to make the birthmom part of the family--because she's not.

All I want is what fertile people get solely by virtue of their functional reproductive systems: A child of our own, to whom no-one else will lay claim except the kid herself.

Is that too much to ask?

Comments

[grail76.livejournal.com]

First, there's a directory of Foster Care and Adoption organizations. You'll have to parse it by city but here's the search portal:
http://www.childwelfare.gov/nfcad/index.cfm?event=searchFormAction

Right now, there are many models of adoption going on from open adoption were the birth mother remains in contact with the child to one where all identities are hidden. Begin to explore the world you're entering and see what people can and will do for you. Each time you say, "I want a child under 2," or, "I want to have nothing to do with the birth family," you reduce the pool you're drawing from.

Talk to them. See what's possible.

Good luck.

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

I realize we're limiting ourselves somewhat. But it's not like we're trying to jump on a fire sale, here. I'd rather wait a little longer for a situation that's truly right for us than jump into something that won't work. I'm in this for 18 years. If it's not at least close to what's going to work for us, there's no point in doing it at all.

Also, I didn't say I want nothing to do with the birth family. I said I don't want to have to socialize with them. Contact, yes. Having them over for Thanksgiving? Not so much.

And anyone who adopts a child over 2 had best be prepared for the drama that's going to come with it. There's no such thing as an older child in the system who isn't screwed up in some significant way. Yay for the people who can handle that. I'm not one of them.

[grail76.livejournal.com]

Try the directory. I hope they find a good match for you.

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

What directory? The one I said I already looked at?

[grail76.livejournal.com]

The one in the link above. It's a national directory of public & private adoption & foster care agencies that you can parse down to state (you're on your own deciding what cities are close enough).

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

Oh, and that link is nice, but it doesn't show me anything I haven't already seen.

The search result comes up with 19 listings, but most of those are different branches of the same organization. So in truth, there are only 11. Of those 11, 6 are religious, which cuts us out right off the bat, 3 primarily do international, and the other is a shelter. Only one--the one I already contacted today--fits our needs.

[grail76.livejournal.com]

I'd contact the religious ones. It's worth a question at least.

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

Somehow, I doubt Catholic and LDS are going to work with a bi couple with a gay roommate. Probably not the Lutherans, either. And the ones who talk about Christ-centered adoptions? Yeah... no.