Maybe I'm just not supposed to be a parent

[textualdeviance]

So, we're finally ready to start the adoption process, and were all set to fill out paperwork. And then we found out that the coordinator we wanted to work with isn't taking new clients.

Fuck.

That means our options are now really, really limited. Problem is, there are only two agencies in the region that affirmatively support queer families. One primarily works with state adoptions, the other only does open. All the rest are international, religious, etc.

The problem with state, of course, is that virtually all of the kids are special-needs, which we're not equipped to handle.

And the problem with the open agency is that they heavily promote ongoing visitation with the birthmother (and even her family, in some cases!) Not just contact and communication, which we're OK with, but actual, in-person visits several times a year. Ack.

I'm up for adopting a kid. I'm not up for adopting her entire birthfamily, too. If I wanted an extended family to come along with the baby, I'd ask one of my fertile friends to have one for us. At least then I'd already know and like the people who'd want to still be a part of her life.

I think the thing that really makes me uncomfortable about this is that it doesn't seem like the birthmothers really want to give up their kids. It seems like adoption in these situations is more like extended foster care. And I just don't want to do that. I don't want to be made to feel like I'm stealing her baby; that she's only giving it up because she's too young or poor or whatever to raise it herself.

And I really dislike the impression that we poor, barren people are subordinate to the queen of fertility who's deigning to give us a gift, for which we owe her hosannas. Not that I'd want the opposite, of course. I don't like the idea of agencies that make birthmoms feel like dirty Jezebels who should be grateful that someone else wants to clean up after their mistake. I don't think either party has moral high ground, here. Hell, I don't think there's a moral ground in the first place.

Ideally, I just want this to be sort of a business transaction. She has something she doesn't want, we want something she has, the agency does the paperwork, and then we all move on with our lives. We'd stay in contact, of course, especially in case the kid gets curious and wants to meet her someday. But we wouldn't be trying to make the birthmom part of the family--because she's not.

All I want is what fertile people get solely by virtue of their functional reproductive systems: A child of our own, to whom no-one else will lay claim except the kid herself.

Is that too much to ask?

Comments

[van.livejournal.com]

My only advice is to not completely discount state adoption. My sister just finalized an adoption from a brother-sister set (girl is two, boy is about nine months), and they're both amazing, adorable sweet little kids. Granted, they're biracial (as her husband is black and they wanted mixed kids), but if that's not an issue to you it might be worth considering. They also have a previous son from a private adoption. In any event, I think it's worth looking into?

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

I have mail into that agency. They do actually do some private ones as well, so I asked them how often they have more-or-less healthy infants available. Doesn't really matter where they come from--state or private--just so long as they're not mentally messed up or need feeding tubes or any of that. We'll see what they say.

I do know it's possible that state agencies get babies, but it is fairly rare, and in most of those cases, they're drug babies or otherwise have some sort of big problem that necessitated getting them away from their birth parents right away. All the rest of them are older, and only get put into state care after they've already gone through hell. And that's really just not something we could manage. Dealing with an otherwise-healthy baby is going to be stressful enough. No way I could manage one that's coming off of crack addiction or has fetal alcohol syndrome or was beaten bloody. Those early months are absolutely critical in terms of neurological development, and being exposed to major stress or drugs or whatever can have permanent consequences, which we're not up for managing.

The race issue isn't really a huge deal, but it does sort of factor into it. Frankly, we live in a pretty white world, what with running primarily in geek and queer circles. Our neighborhood's fairly diverse, but we're not friends with any of them. So we don't really have the cultural experience necessary to properly keep a kid in touch with her racial roots. We could learn some, of course, but it wouldn't be the same as having a more-diverse environment to begin with. Frankly, I don't care what color the kid is, but I feel like we'd be doing her a disservice with our lack of experience. She'd very rarely see other kids who look like her, and that wouldn't be fair.

[grail76.livejournal.com]

First, there's a directory of Foster Care and Adoption organizations. You'll have to parse it by city but here's the search portal:
http://www.childwelfare.gov/nfcad/index.cfm?event=searchFormAction

Right now, there are many models of adoption going on from open adoption were the birth mother remains in contact with the child to one where all identities are hidden. Begin to explore the world you're entering and see what people can and will do for you. Each time you say, "I want a child under 2," or, "I want to have nothing to do with the birth family," you reduce the pool you're drawing from.

Talk to them. See what's possible.

Good luck.

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

I realize we're limiting ourselves somewhat. But it's not like we're trying to jump on a fire sale, here. I'd rather wait a little longer for a situation that's truly right for us than jump into something that won't work. I'm in this for 18 years. If it's not at least close to what's going to work for us, there's no point in doing it at all.

Also, I didn't say I want nothing to do with the birth family. I said I don't want to have to socialize with them. Contact, yes. Having them over for Thanksgiving? Not so much.

And anyone who adopts a child over 2 had best be prepared for the drama that's going to come with it. There's no such thing as an older child in the system who isn't screwed up in some significant way. Yay for the people who can handle that. I'm not one of them.

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

Oh, and that link is nice, but it doesn't show me anything I haven't already seen.

The search result comes up with 19 listings, but most of those are different branches of the same organization. So in truth, there are only 11. Of those 11, 6 are religious, which cuts us out right off the bat, 3 primarily do international, and the other is a shelter. Only one--the one I already contacted today--fits our needs.

i know that anecdotes are not data, but

[ironymaiden]

i am friends with two birth parents. for this reason, your repeated assertions about the nature of birth parents that choose open adoption are starting to get on my nerves.

they were otherwise-stable healthy adults at the time *who didn't want children*. they chose adoption for their unwanted pregnancy instead of abortion. in fact, i believe the main reason for the open agency was to offer the baby to queer families.

no, open adoption doesn't have to mean that you hang out together at holidays for the rest of your life. the kid lives three timezones away. mostly they exchange pictures or info about health issues, they send birthday and christmas presents. sometimes they go to a picnic sponsored by the adoption group. that's it. ultimately the agency doesn't dictate the relationship.

[noveldevice.livejournal.com]

Yes.

I think open adoptions also happen because if there's an expectation of ongoing knowledge, the birth parent/s have a little more of a guarantee that they're not sending their flesh and blood into a situation that would be terrible, where the parents are abusive or mean. That would be the thing I'd be worrying about, at least, and was one of the frequently-expressed fears of the women who were interviewed for a couple of the books and articles I've read about modern adoption.

[van.livejournal.com]

I think you're perfectly capable of raising a biracial or non-white child just fine, though of course that's your choice as to whether it'd be worth it or not.

I forget--have you looked into surrogacy? I know it's ridiculous expensive, but it might give you more flexibility with what you want.

[van.livejournal.com]

She'd very rarely see other kids who look like her, and that wouldn't be fair.

Also, while I understand where you're coming from, I think it's a lot more unfair to leave her in the state adoption center because no one thought they could "handle" a non-white kid. Just food for thought.

Re: i know that anecdotes are not data, but

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

FWIW, I'm going primarily by the information on this particular agency. I'm sure it may be different for other agencies, and from my understanding, what you describe is how open adoptions were done in the past. That sort of situation is actually what I expected when we first started looking into this. Like I say, I'm perfectly happy for ongoing contact like that. I'd prefer it, actually. My kid's going to want to know who her birthmom is, and I'd like to be able to tell her.

Unfortunately, that kind of more-or-less hands-off approach doesn't seem to be the case for this agency. They actually say their number of visits per year ranges from 2 to "several," and talk about creating an "extended family" with the adoptive parents. They even let the birthmom name the baby. So... Ack. :(

Unfortunately, this is the only queer-friendly private agency in the region. The only other queer-friendly one primarily does state adoptions.

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

See comment below. I'd love to have that kind of a situation, but that's not what this agency is offering.

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

Like I say, I'm mostly worried about whether I'd be able to do enough to immerse her in her culture of origin. I can learn, I can research, I can try, but I can't give her the kind of instinctive understanding that someone with more experience that direction could. Everything I'd do for her would be something I learned from a book, not something I learned from life experience. And I'm not sure that would be fair to her.

We'd be open to surrogacy, but there are some weird legal issues around it in Washington. And yeah, it's way expensive. We would've done the adoption two years ago as soon as we gave up the infertility treatment, but we didn't have the money for it. We wouldn't be able to afford a surrogate for another couple of years, minimum.

Re: i know that anecdotes are not data, but

[ironymaiden]

are you cool with going out of the region? my friends used FIA who do closed and "semi-open" (which i think is what you want) and they cover the whole US.

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

Oh, of course. But the idea of kids languishing in state care is actually a myth.

Babies and toddlers of any race without special needs are snapped up pretty quickly. It's only the ones with big problems who get stuck. And, really, the only kids who are in the system to begin with are special needs. They're there because their bio parents were strung out or beat the crap out of them or something.

DSHS actually goes to incredible lengths to keep bio families together--even to the detriment of the kid--so by the time a kid is actually up for adoption, they've usually been through half a dozen foster homes and a few years of nasty court cases.

Re: i know that anecdotes are not data, but

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

We'd be all for going elsewhere, but as far as I know, in order to adopt in WA, the agency has to be certified by the state, and you have to have an in-state home study.

I may be wrong on that. I'll double check.

[grail76.livejournal.com]

Try the directory. I hope they find a good match for you.

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

What directory? The one I said I already looked at?

[darkhorse-99.livejournal.com]

I'm sure you've done extensive research on all your possible options so my only contribution is *Hugs*.

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

Thank you. That means a lot. This is actually crazier and more frustrating that two years of infertility treatment. Sheesh!

[grail76.livejournal.com]

The one in the link above. It's a national directory of public & private adoption & foster care agencies that you can parse down to state (you're on your own deciding what cities are close enough).

[grail76.livejournal.com]

I'd contact the religious ones. It's worth a question at least.

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

Somehow, I doubt Catholic and LDS are going to work with a bi couple with a gay roommate. Probably not the Lutherans, either. And the ones who talk about Christ-centered adoptions? Yeah... no.