Welcome out, and some side notes about bi, poly and aliens

[textualdeviance]

So, Evan Rachel Wood just told Us Magazine she's bi. Not much of a surprise, really. What's interesting, though, is that she mentions that she's open to actually dating women. I've seen so many of her generation who declare themselves bi, but would never consider actually having a relationship with another chick.

Yes, technically they're bi, and I'm all for more folks being honest about their attractions, rather than hiding behind a gay or straight identity. But it's no wonder so many people don't take us seriously when the public face of bi women is so often some wild child who's just up for equal-opportunity screwing around and won't go beyond that. A bit of waist-up drunken fooling around while your boyfriend watches isn't exactly the same thing as someone who's open to actually having full-on relationships without regard for gender.

I spose I'm sort of bitter, maybe, because we bi women who happen to be in relationships with men get automatically assumed to be this type. Since the bi-just-for-fun crowd is so much more visible than we are, people tend to assume that any self-identified bi woman with a male partner is one of those. Lesbians often assume that any bi woman who's actually dated men is going to eventually dump them for one, and straight guys often assume that bi girlfriend = she'll bring home girls all the time for hot three-ways.

Not that there's anything wrong with hot three-ways, mind. ;) Just gets annoying for bi folk who are monogamous and/or primarily interested in serious, long-term relationships to be assumed to be just up for an edgy screw. (Like, for instance, the chick I went on a great date with, only to find out she was just looking for someone to bring home to her boyfriend. Um. No.)

There are times I've wondered whether the gender divide in orientation labeling isn't all that useful. Like, maybe people should instead label themselves as to whether they're relationship-minded or mostly interested in screwing around. I think it would certainly help kill a lot of frustration and heartbreak out there in dating land. Imagine how much easier it would be to know up front whether the person you were interested in is compatible with what you're looking for. Folks who are terrified of the idea of someone asking them to move in after three dates wouldn't have to worry about that anymore. And folks who fall in love, only to find the object of their affections moving on after a month of dating wouldn't get their hearts broken.

Now, technically speaking, I'd probably be "bi" on that scale, too. I don't sleep with strangers--I need to be at least casual friends with someone--but yeah, I'm up for a bit of messing around without consideration for possible future cohabitation. However, I'm also a big dork, and can fall in love easily, and thus open to getting serious, too. Really, it all depends on the person in question. Some folks just set my thighs aflame, but others also make me want to sing Disney songs and be stupidly romantic. I most definitely wouldn't want to hook up with anyone who would think there was something wrong with me for that.

This is part of why M and I never really fit in with the poly crowd (we attempted some socialization there a decade+ ago, and it never worked out.) Yeah, there are definitely plenty of committed triads and more-ads, but most of the folks we encountered were pretty much just swingers with benefits. Which, fair enough for them if that's what fills their Twinkies, but it's not our scene at all.

It ended up being really kind of depressing for us, because we felt like aliens in both worlds. Average monogamous, straight muggles would likely be horrified if they knew what we'd gotten up to over the years, and yet most poly folks thought we were hopelessly square because we weren't interested in going to the Wet Spot (got really, really tiring to be accused of moralizing prudery because we're not interested in sharing our sexuality with strangers or people we barely know. Meh.)

Realistically, the dating-other-people thing is history, of course. Since we're going to be obtaining a kid, soon, any thoughts of trying to introduce a new parent at some point are definitely off the menu. The sprog is going to have a challenging enough time with slightly oddball parents, and being adopted. No sense in making things even weirder. And, practically speaking, doing anything else is probably out of the question, too. We barely have the bandwidth to socialize with folks in non-sordid ways. ;)

But even so, I still know where my orientation lies, and I still get annoyed when people assume I'm just another flighty bi chick because that's what they see most of the time. Even though my practical circumstances mean I'm functionally monogamous with the guy I'm married to doesn't mean I'm not actually bi. Were circumstances to change, there's a very good chance the next person I dated would have female bits. If, that is, I could find someone with said bits who didn't assume that stereotypes and history meant I'm something I'm not. The funny thing is that part of the reason I've dated far fewer women than men is this precise issue: Most of the women I've been interested in haven't been interested back because of this assumption. They assume I just want a fling and stay away if they're interested in something else, or get freaked out when they find out I'm not like that. Crazy.

Anyway, yay for Evan, and I hope she has a good experience with being out. It's a minefield.

Comments

[miss-swamp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, the bi-to-please-my-man thing makes me roll my eyes. You know my history; I'm definitely on the lesbian side of bi, but you'd never know it to look at me now. We've been mostly talk when it comes to non-monogamy, but that talk helps keep things interesting around here when the little ones don't leave us enough energy for much else. It'll be a loooong time before we can even imagine much other than a pretty casual friends-with-benefits deal, or going to sex clubs/swingers events/other things that don't quite fit right but allow that expression.

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

I admit, I do find it slightly funny that virtually the entire chorus soprano section ended up with guys. Maybe that's the "cure" the fundies have been looking for. ;)

[whuffle.livejournal.com]

I'm not bi, but most of the friends my husband and I hold dear are bi, gay, lesbian, and a lot of them are poly. We're way too damned vanilla for the crowd we hang out with but that never bothers most of us. So I know how you feel a bit where that's concerned.

One of the things that frequently bothers me as an observer within our friends group is the number of times I see people making mistaken assumptions about other people just because of one facet of their sexuality. Someone says they're bi but then ends up dating a long term partner of the opposite sex and suddenly other bi people in the same social group lose respect for him or her because they went with convention. To hell with whether or not the choice of partner was based on love and attraction. They did the conventional thing so they're automatically given less respect.

These are people who should know better than to do that to each other, and yet they still do. So how people who aren't as open minded would handle it is something I try not to think about too hard.

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

For the most part, the local queer community is very bi and trans friendly, so M and I haven't gotten a lot of flak. But on occasion, we do get the sidelong glances, or the "how does that work, exactly?" dumb questions. In our case, it's a bit more confusing for folks since we're both bi, and both ping like crazy. So people who meet us separately often think we're both gay. Some have wondered if we're just in a marriage of convenience or whatever. Which is kind of hilarious, to anyone who knows us better. ;)

There's definitely a lot more hostility elsewhere in queerland, though. We've been lambasted for taking advantage of "het privilege" because we're legally married and don't wear rainbow stickers on our foreheads. What galls me about that stuff is that some people apparently think some lazy-ass lesbian who's never lifted a finger to further the cause is somehow more valid a member of the movement than a pair of bi folk who've been politically active for decades. Meh.

[grail76.livejournal.com]

There's an episode of Seinfeld where George accepts that every decision he's ever made has been wrong and he spends the episode going against his best judgement, like meeting a new girl and introducing himself with, "Hi, I'm unemployed and living in my parents basement."

I had an affair with a self identified lesbian who was also an ex-wife and who got along very well with me -- for a time. I'm often intensely inspired when I hear a couple tell of their adventure over the weekend and a part of me says, I could fill in that part ... but I was never invited or encouraged.
I think you do much better getting friendly with someone before you expect any reaction to you beyond friendship and the odd hug. It's better to be pleasantly surprised that bitterly disappointed.

[estel-willow.livejournal.com]

Hi. Sorry for jumping in but you've said something that's been bugging my girlfriend & I for the longest of times. We're a partnership comprising of an bi-asexual and a lesbian identified asexual and whenever anyone finds out she's bi, she's always then asked about sex and whether or not she'd bring anyone home etc etc. It's frustrating, and the social stereotypes and labels they thrust on people who don't quite 'fit' is a pain in the ass. I totally agree that the orientation divide does little but create more stereotypes and actually make it harder for those that are relationship-minded.

But it'll be interesting to see if Evan Rachel Wood does, in fact, hook up with a girl should she move into another serious relationship. As you said, a lot of bi-identified women are never actually seen having a relationship with someone of their gender (with the notable exception of Michelle Rodriguez who gave it a real go with Kristianna Loken).

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

It is rare to see bi women in same-sex relationships. Part of that is what I mentioned with the social issues involved (finding a lesbian or bi woman who wants to get serious can be tough) but also, there's just statistics involved, too.

For a woman who's just looking for a compatible partner regardless of gender, she's simply statistically more likely to find a man, because there are far more straight and bi men out there than there are lesbian or bi women. You can up your chances by specifically hanging out in queer spaces and specifically looking for a woman, but if that's not important, then yeah, you're probably going to find a guy first.

Interestingly, it's slightly different for bi men, because it's so much harder to find a straight or bi woman who would be accepting than finding a gay or bi man. The statistics still favor hooking up with a woman in general, but it's definitely weighted more toward same-sex than it is for women.