Welcome out, and some side notes about bi, poly and aliens

[textualdeviance]

So, Evan Rachel Wood just told Us Magazine she's bi. Not much of a surprise, really. What's interesting, though, is that she mentions that she's open to actually dating women. I've seen so many of her generation who declare themselves bi, but would never consider actually having a relationship with another chick.

Yes, technically they're bi, and I'm all for more folks being honest about their attractions, rather than hiding behind a gay or straight identity. But it's no wonder so many people don't take us seriously when the public face of bi women is so often some wild child who's just up for equal-opportunity screwing around and won't go beyond that. A bit of waist-up drunken fooling around while your boyfriend watches isn't exactly the same thing as someone who's open to actually having full-on relationships without regard for gender.

I spose I'm sort of bitter, maybe, because we bi women who happen to be in relationships with men get automatically assumed to be this type. Since the bi-just-for-fun crowd is so much more visible than we are, people tend to assume that any self-identified bi woman with a male partner is one of those. Lesbians often assume that any bi woman who's actually dated men is going to eventually dump them for one, and straight guys often assume that bi girlfriend = she'll bring home girls all the time for hot three-ways.

Not that there's anything wrong with hot three-ways, mind. ;) Just gets annoying for bi folk who are monogamous and/or primarily interested in serious, long-term relationships to be assumed to be just up for an edgy screw. (Like, for instance, the chick I went on a great date with, only to find out she was just looking for someone to bring home to her boyfriend. Um. No.)

There are times I've wondered whether the gender divide in orientation labeling isn't all that useful. Like, maybe people should instead label themselves as to whether they're relationship-minded or mostly interested in screwing around. I think it would certainly help kill a lot of frustration and heartbreak out there in dating land. Imagine how much easier it would be to know up front whether the person you were interested in is compatible with what you're looking for. Folks who are terrified of the idea of someone asking them to move in after three dates wouldn't have to worry about that anymore. And folks who fall in love, only to find the object of their affections moving on after a month of dating wouldn't get their hearts broken.

Now, technically speaking, I'd probably be "bi" on that scale, too. I don't sleep with strangers--I need to be at least casual friends with someone--but yeah, I'm up for a bit of messing around without consideration for possible future cohabitation. However, I'm also a big dork, and can fall in love easily, and thus open to getting serious, too. Really, it all depends on the person in question. Some folks just set my thighs aflame, but others also make me want to sing Disney songs and be stupidly romantic. I most definitely wouldn't want to hook up with anyone who would think there was something wrong with me for that.

This is part of why M and I never really fit in with the poly crowd (we attempted some socialization there a decade+ ago, and it never worked out.) Yeah, there are definitely plenty of committed triads and more-ads, but most of the folks we encountered were pretty much just swingers with benefits. Which, fair enough for them if that's what fills their Twinkies, but it's not our scene at all.

It ended up being really kind of depressing for us, because we felt like aliens in both worlds. Average monogamous, straight muggles would likely be horrified if they knew what we'd gotten up to over the years, and yet most poly folks thought we were hopelessly square because we weren't interested in going to the Wet Spot (got really, really tiring to be accused of moralizing prudery because we're not interested in sharing our sexuality with strangers or people we barely know. Meh.)

Realistically, the dating-other-people thing is history, of course. Since we're going to be obtaining a kid, soon, any thoughts of trying to introduce a new parent at some point are definitely off the menu. The sprog is going to have a challenging enough time with slightly oddball parents, and being adopted. No sense in making things even weirder. And, practically speaking, doing anything else is probably out of the question, too. We barely have the bandwidth to socialize with folks in non-sordid ways. ;)

But even so, I still know where my orientation lies, and I still get annoyed when people assume I'm just another flighty bi chick because that's what they see most of the time. Even though my practical circumstances mean I'm functionally monogamous with the guy I'm married to doesn't mean I'm not actually bi. Were circumstances to change, there's a very good chance the next person I dated would have female bits. If, that is, I could find someone with said bits who didn't assume that stereotypes and history meant I'm something I'm not. The funny thing is that part of the reason I've dated far fewer women than men is this precise issue: Most of the women I've been interested in haven't been interested back because of this assumption. They assume I just want a fling and stay away if they're interested in something else, or get freaked out when they find out I'm not like that. Crazy.

Anyway, yay for Evan, and I hope she has a good experience with being out. It's a minefield.

Comments

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

For the most part, the local queer community is very bi and trans friendly, so M and I haven't gotten a lot of flak. But on occasion, we do get the sidelong glances, or the "how does that work, exactly?" dumb questions. In our case, it's a bit more confusing for folks since we're both bi, and both ping like crazy. So people who meet us separately often think we're both gay. Some have wondered if we're just in a marriage of convenience or whatever. Which is kind of hilarious, to anyone who knows us better. ;)

There's definitely a lot more hostility elsewhere in queerland, though. We've been lambasted for taking advantage of "het privilege" because we're legally married and don't wear rainbow stickers on our foreheads. What galls me about that stuff is that some people apparently think some lazy-ass lesbian who's never lifted a finger to further the cause is somehow more valid a member of the movement than a pair of bi folk who've been politically active for decades. Meh.