So, about this username

[textualdeviance]

Some notes to explain it:

I'm biologically female (last time I checked)

I'm not especially fond of this fact, though it's not the worst thing which has ever happened to me.

My gender identity and presentation, such as it is, tends more toward the masculine end of the spectrum than feminine (if you consider gender a spectrum) I'm on the butch side, in other words.

I'm not a ball-scratching Neanderthal, however. Though I think I'd rather like having balls to scratch :)

I've been a tomboy since I was very little, and actually didn't really consciously grok that I was female until I was 12 or so, and realized I'd never play in the NFL (which pissed me off, let me tell you)

I identify primarily with men and male experience. This isn't to say there aren't women I identify with and look up to, because there are (my current main role model is Molly Ivins.) I'm also comfortable having female friends, generally speaking, though there are very few that I get emotionally close to. However, female experience is rather foreign to me. Part of it is due to my reproductive system not working and my body not being very feminine, but I also don't really have the same sort of social position and worldview that most women have. The stuff on the Lifetime channel and in "women's magazines" for instance, makes zero sense to me. I just don't comprehend it. (I don't really comprehend lesbian culture, either.) This isn't to say those things are bad, just that I don't identify with them. I don't identify with, say, Russian culture, either, since I'm an American.

The men I tend to identify with the most usually happen to be queer. I've had a lot of straight men as buddy friends, but the men whose lives and worldview mesh the closest with my own tend to be a bit light in the loafers.

I'm primarily attracted to other male-identified people, and to ones who are also primarily attracted to other male-identified people. Not terribly particular about plumbing, though, and Gillian Anderson can eat Doritos in my bed any time she wants.

I've considered actually transitioning, but I've decided that's not the right path for me. A large part of the reason for this is my performing career, especially singing, but there are also very large physical, emotional and financial sacrifices that would have to be made, and the tradeoff for those isn't quite enough to make me make them. Were I to be more strongly male-identified than I am, or more concerned with passing as male on a day-to-day level, I'd consider it more.

Clear as mud? :)

Comments

absolutely :)

[chocdipped.livejournal.com]

Clear as...mud. :). It took me a fair while to get used to the idea of transitioning myself, and then quite a few months to work it all out. What I wanted, what it meant to me, and to resolve all those lingering doubts about whether or not I was doing it for the right reasons.

Which is weird, because I didn't have the same problem identifying with dykes at first. I never, ever identified with straight girls, with those ordinary (in a nice way), feminine girly girls. They were totally alien creatures to me, and still are. When I came out as a dyke and met many other dykes, I felt I really fitted in. It was a few years before my brain decided to tell me that really, I wanted more than that and it still wasn't my scene. Then it just dropped it on my head with little warning!

Now that I've actually done it, I don't think about these things anymore. But I imagine that for someone who's thought about it a lot in the past, it's going to be an ongoing issue, something that your brain regularly brings up for "review". Just making sure you're really at where you want to be, which is good in a way. :)

I always enjoy your thoughts and opinions on many things, and I think we think alike on many issues. I'm looking forward to future entries in this journal :).

Love ya,
K.

[julesong.livejournal.com]

I can identify with a lot of that, as well. My mom dressed me very, very girly when I was small, and I hated it. I don't think I realized I female.

I don't know what I am, these days. I feel absolutely stuck in the middle both physically and emotionally, which is sometimes comfortable but othertimes completely whacked out place to be.

[michaelchance.livejournal.com]

I'm beginning to seriously wonder how many of us there are in LOTRs fandom, actually. Not that I'm overly open about any of it yet :(

Re:

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

Well, that would make three that I know of. And a fourth who's edging into the territory.

And I'm guessing more than a handful of slashers, if they really stopped to think about it.