Jun. 8th, 2012 05:29 pm
Fan-o-rama post-script: A case of the mehs
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textualdevianceSo, there was one slightly odd thing about meeting my lovelies: I wasn't remotely nervous about meeting them, and don't necessarily feel particularly giddy or anything even now. As is most likely obvious to anyone reading here regularly, I've not been terribly stoked for much of anything lately (and quite anti-stoked on a lot of things--the horrid job, the tedious adoption process, stupid health stuff, etc.) Still, I'm kind of surprised that I wasn't more in fansquee mode for this.
FWIW, I've kind of been out of the thick of that fandom for a while. Since the show ended and I finished my fic novel, there really hasn't been much to chew on (aside from news on the spinoff, which is a different critter.) Being busy with non-fandom crises of various sorts has sapped a lot of my bandwidth, and most of my fan energy has gone into GoT, since that's still ongoing and thus a lot more immediate.
But even before everything was over, I'd kind of been emotionally backing off. A big part of this was due to some evidence of trouble in paradise between A & H last summer/fall. They seem to be more or less fine, now (though they're no longer wearing engagement rings) but I'd had such a bad reaction to that--getting upset about it, and then getting annoyed that I cared so much--that I kind of deliberately took a step back. I knew I was overinvested in something that was really none of my business, and chose to let it go for a while so I could get some perspective.
When I saw them this weekend, and it was clear that they're still (or back) together (they're good actors, but even they couldn't fake that kind of body language) I was definitely happy for them, and relieved. I think that relief freed me up to enjoy meeting them more than I might have otherwise. But I'd still had enough distance that I wasn't so wrapped up in OMG THEM that it made me freak out. While I did definitely want to meet them, and they're still important people to me for various reasons, the hardcore fan energy I'd had for them before just wasn't really there to get in the way. I'm not usually a starstruck sort of person regardless--way too many years behind the curtain for that--but I was downright mellow about this, and I think that made for good experiences. I didn't make an ass of myself, for instance, and the calmness allowed for some pleasant bits of chitchat, rather than pointless fansquee.
However, it is a little sad, I guess, that I didn't feel quite so over the moon about it like I might have a year ago. The best part of being a fan is being excited about things (and sharing that excitement with fellow excitees) so when it's a little dampened like this, it's a bit anti-climactic. Now that I've had those experiences and feel more confident about them being nice people, etc., I may let myself go a little bit more. I do have a bit of renewed fan energy, and might even dip my toes back into fic waters again. But I do think I'm close to squeed out on this, and ready to move on to something else--same as I was when LOTR wrapped up.
Not that there's necessarily anything on the horizon. GoT fandom is a horrid cesspool, so I'm staying quite firmly on the fringes of that, and nothing else I'm into inspires any real squee for me right now. That goes for non-fandom stuff, too. The only two things likely to give me any great joy anytime soon are the adoption and getting my novel published. Both of those things are ponderously slow and the payoff for them depends greatly on other people, so true squee is somewhat unlikely anytime soon.
I suspect I might also be in the middle of a depressive slump, too. I've had so much grief/disappointment in the past 12-18 months (job, cats, chorus, health, politics, blah blah blah) that I'm just exhausted. It's not been horrible all the time, just incredibly stressful, and I've not had a lot of outlets for burning that off. The one thing that was keeping me from dwelling on the bad stuff--fansquee--is fading, now, so I'm left with a lot of ick, and nowhere to put it so I can ignore it again. I expect I'll find something eventually--I usually do--but this limbo period is going to be tough. Damn shame I don't/can't drink. It'd be lovely to just remain pickled while I'm waiting for things outside of my control to resolve themselves.
Anyway ... yeah, I'm kind of sad that this wasn't more of a fangasmic experience for me, even though some of that was deliberate limitation on my part. Trying to stay calm to avoid crushing disappointment is sensible, of course, but it also avoids elation, and I could use a bit of that these days.
FWIW, I've kind of been out of the thick of that fandom for a while. Since the show ended and I finished my fic novel, there really hasn't been much to chew on (aside from news on the spinoff, which is a different critter.) Being busy with non-fandom crises of various sorts has sapped a lot of my bandwidth, and most of my fan energy has gone into GoT, since that's still ongoing and thus a lot more immediate.
But even before everything was over, I'd kind of been emotionally backing off. A big part of this was due to some evidence of trouble in paradise between A & H last summer/fall. They seem to be more or less fine, now (though they're no longer wearing engagement rings) but I'd had such a bad reaction to that--getting upset about it, and then getting annoyed that I cared so much--that I kind of deliberately took a step back. I knew I was overinvested in something that was really none of my business, and chose to let it go for a while so I could get some perspective.
When I saw them this weekend, and it was clear that they're still (or back) together (they're good actors, but even they couldn't fake that kind of body language) I was definitely happy for them, and relieved. I think that relief freed me up to enjoy meeting them more than I might have otherwise. But I'd still had enough distance that I wasn't so wrapped up in OMG THEM that it made me freak out. While I did definitely want to meet them, and they're still important people to me for various reasons, the hardcore fan energy I'd had for them before just wasn't really there to get in the way. I'm not usually a starstruck sort of person regardless--way too many years behind the curtain for that--but I was downright mellow about this, and I think that made for good experiences. I didn't make an ass of myself, for instance, and the calmness allowed for some pleasant bits of chitchat, rather than pointless fansquee.
However, it is a little sad, I guess, that I didn't feel quite so over the moon about it like I might have a year ago. The best part of being a fan is being excited about things (and sharing that excitement with fellow excitees) so when it's a little dampened like this, it's a bit anti-climactic. Now that I've had those experiences and feel more confident about them being nice people, etc., I may let myself go a little bit more. I do have a bit of renewed fan energy, and might even dip my toes back into fic waters again. But I do think I'm close to squeed out on this, and ready to move on to something else--same as I was when LOTR wrapped up.
Not that there's necessarily anything on the horizon. GoT fandom is a horrid cesspool, so I'm staying quite firmly on the fringes of that, and nothing else I'm into inspires any real squee for me right now. That goes for non-fandom stuff, too. The only two things likely to give me any great joy anytime soon are the adoption and getting my novel published. Both of those things are ponderously slow and the payoff for them depends greatly on other people, so true squee is somewhat unlikely anytime soon.
I suspect I might also be in the middle of a depressive slump, too. I've had so much grief/disappointment in the past 12-18 months (job, cats, chorus, health, politics, blah blah blah) that I'm just exhausted. It's not been horrible all the time, just incredibly stressful, and I've not had a lot of outlets for burning that off. The one thing that was keeping me from dwelling on the bad stuff--fansquee--is fading, now, so I'm left with a lot of ick, and nowhere to put it so I can ignore it again. I expect I'll find something eventually--I usually do--but this limbo period is going to be tough. Damn shame I don't/can't drink. It'd be lovely to just remain pickled while I'm waiting for things outside of my control to resolve themselves.
Anyway ... yeah, I'm kind of sad that this wasn't more of a fangasmic experience for me, even though some of that was deliberate limitation on my part. Trying to stay calm to avoid crushing disappointment is sensible, of course, but it also avoids elation, and I could use a bit of that these days.
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