Baby steps

[textualdeviance]

Well, we're stuck. I thought we might've had a solution with an agency in Portland that looked good, but I just heard back today from them, and they said they're unable to work with folks this far away. Dammit.

So, given that we can't afford international or a surrogate, and we won't qualify for the religious agencies because we're damn dirty atheist queers, we're left with two options: The one that primarily works with foster-to-adopt, and the one that requires adopting the entire birthfamily along with the kid.

We've decided to go with the former. It will probably take a long time to get a placement, since we're hoping for a < 12 m/o kid with no mental, emotional or serious health issues, but they do have at least some that fit that description on occasion. And I'd rather wait longer for the right situation than to let impatience lead me into one that's going to bring a hell of a lot of problems with it. And who knows? We may luck out, and find a kid who's basically healthy, and is only up because her mama's in prison or something.

I admit that I'm sort of pissed off about all this. I know for a fact that there are other agencies elsewhere that do things the way we were hoping for--that one in Portland, for instance--they just aren't here, for some reason. It's really odd that the primary private agency in the state is so hardcore about the blended-family thing. I've seen tons of agencies elsewhere that encourage openness--or even require it--but not to the creepy degree that this place does. Kinda makes me wonder what happens with birthmothers here who don't want that much contact, either.

Anyway ... we're going to the next available info session thingy on Nov. 8, and will probably get the application and homestudy process started shortly thereafter. I'm guessing we'll be in the waiting pool sometime early next year. How long it takes after that? No clue. I spect we'll know more soon, though.

Oh, and for the record: Once we have the homestudy completed, we'll be available for anything--even if we're still waiting at this agency. We can still do an independent, private adoption so long as the homestudy people have signed off on us. So if you happen to know of any available birthmoms--anywhere in the country--holla. Frankly, I'd prefer a situation like that if it came up. Much less muss, fuss and expense all the way around.

Comments

[darkhorse-99.livejournal.com]

Just out of curiosity, how exactly can they enforce that whole family adoption? If you don't want them around then once it's finalized, you don't have to let your kid be around someone you don't like. I've read news stories of grandparents that for whatever reason took the parents to court to get access to the grandkids and lost.

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

There's an enforceable contract you draw up during the adoption process. The adoptive and birthparents all decide what kind of contact they want, and sign off on that, and then if that agreement isn't honored, the other party can be held liable. Anyone who isn't a party to that agreement wouldn't have a claim, though.

Contracts like that are standard in any open adoption scenario, but the problem with this agency is that instead of the more-common agreements to simply stay in contact--pictures, letters, etc.--they push making agreements for regular visitation--as if you're a divorced couple sharing custody or something. While this may work for a lot of people, it's definitely not something we'd be comfortable with. I simply don't believe in forcing relationships that wouldn't happen naturally on their own.

[darkhorse-99.livejournal.com]

Icky. I would run far away from that too. I thought the point of adoption is that a kid went from one family to another, not to form some strange hybrid group relationship. I mean, if the first family could keep the kid, then the kid wouldn't be up for adoption anyway.

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's kinda my perspective. Even though the kid legally belongs to the adoptive parents, I think a situation like that can make it really hard for the birthfamily to let go, and I don't think that's good for anyone involved. For birthmothers who really do want that much involvement in their kid's life, I'd much rather work toward finding ways to support them keeping it.