Oct. 4th, 2010 12:42 am
Not having a good time right now.
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textualdevianceI realize that in many ways, I have a far better life than billions of other people on the planet, and I am grateful for what I have. Really.
But right at this very moment, my life just isn't working the way I want it to, and I'm having a really hard time not feeling crushed by that.
Bad:
-A cat who's most likely dying. Slowly. Frustratingly. Expensively. And not even two years after we lost the last one.
-On Tuesday, I start a new job. Same as the old job. Which was mind numbing. My career is basically stalled out at this point because the entire field is a wasteland and what little that isn't would require me to move to another city. But I need the money and consistent entries on my resume, so I'm back to the grind.
-Said money needing is getting in the way of big life things. I'm really upset that we have to delay getting the adoption started yet again because of other things that have come up (such as the ~$1300 we've spent on the cat so far, and the anemic stock market making our small stash basically worthless.)
-And because we're trying to save as much as we can for said adoption, other large expenses are on hold. No travel, for instance. Atlanta was the last hurrah for that for the forseeable future. Which means that the one thing that's been making me happy lately (my fandom stuff) isn't going to get much in-person care and feeding. I'm really, really bummed that we're not going to manage a UK trip. Not just because I want to see the country and meet certain Famous People, but because I really want to meet the wonderful folks I've found in this fandom.
-Doing a bit more research into alternate (read: cheaper) kid-getting options and finding out that it's standard procedure to deny IVF for anyone with a BMI over 35. Nevermind what one's actual health is. The BMI is Our Lord and Savior and we must abide by its infallible numbers. I admit this is also making me panic a little bit about whether this is going to be an issue for the adoption, too.
-Haven't spoken to my parents since April. Don't expect to anytime soon. Given the conditions I gave them for contact ("please seek therapy so you can learn to understand why I'm pissed off at you"), this basically means they've decided they rather wallow in paranoia, small-mindedness, drama and ignorance instead of have healthy, reasonable and mature contact with me. Much as I wish we could have a better relationship in their last years, I know it's not going to happen. I know my dad is probably going to die without getting his head out of his ass and realizing what the problem is and fixing it. And that guts me. Also, let me mention how much I fucking hate Glenn Beck for stealing my parents from me. That asshat has a lot to answer for.
-A bunch of little, annoying shit: Our freezer has stopped properly freezing and we can't quite figure out why. We have a pair of light fixtures behaving weirdly which is going to necessitate someone crawling around in the attic and mucking with wiring. We got a water bill that's three times the normal, which probably means we have a leak somewhere. The projector (AKA our TV) is behaving strangely and needs to be repaired/replaced. Stupid moi forgot to turn off the interior light in my car when I was cleaning it out yesterday and it drained my battery. Beyond irritated with the current state of the upcoming election and the endless rah rah tea party ignorant bullshit. Fall's here, which means the garden is spent for now and many birdies are on their way outta here. We're also apparently in for a nasty winter. Yaye.
The good (aside from the usual good marriage/awesome new house/high general standard of living thing):
-Got bloodwork, etc. back from my doc visit last week: I'm healthy! Well, as healthy as I ever am. Kidney and liver function are normal; urinalysis was normal. Fasting glucose just a tiny bit past normal. Total cholesterol normal, though HDL a bit low and LDL a bit high. Triglycerides a tiny bit past normal. From a Real Numbers (aka NOT the FSM-damned BMI) standpoint, I'm actually in pretty good nick for someone almost 40 with my bucketload of genetic fail.
-Penny's in very good health for her age. Aside from the vision issue, she's perky and functional and she should be around for a while, yet. Which is good, because if Fammy goes, I don't think I'd be able to take losing Penny right away soon, too. Otter, of course, is as fit as a butcher's dog and damned near the size of one.
-World's Best Roomie. <3 Seriously, I think we'd fall apart without D around.
-Even though I'm sure it makes muggles laugh about me behind my back, I'm really quite proud of the fanworks I've done in the last ~6 months. They've gotten very good feedback, and I think I've learned quite a lot about video editing and graphics, and gotten some good writing practice in to kill some bad habits. The new job means I don't have time anymore to do them, but I do feel I have a nice catalog of work out there, now, which will likely get a lot more attention when the new Primeval season comes up.
-And speaking of fan stuff, I'm still quite chuffed about how well the ATL trip went. It wasn't 100% perfect, but damned close. May even reserve another hotel room (refundably) for next year just in case we have the cash for it then.
So, it's not all bad. But... Yeah.
I think the bad stuff would be a lot easier to take if I had something good coming up that I could look forward to, but there really isn't anything. No kid, no vacations, no big goals to work toward... It's all just day-to-day grind for the forseeable future, and that's really depressing. This is the first time in more than a decade* that I haven't had something big going on, and I'm really feeling quite lost.
It's kinda pathetic, mebbe, that the only upcoming things that might make me relatively happy (at least for the short term) are pop culture things.** But, really. Without a lot of money/time/energy for anything else, parking my ass in front of some screen or other is what's available, so... It's also the only way to keep me distracted until we can finally get going on the other moving-forward stuff.
So, yay for fan squee, I guess.
*Previous years included a couple of big moves, plenty of travel, lots of performances, all the events/projects from my LOTR fandom days, school, getting a job, spawning attempts, etc. Now? Nada. The adoption was supposed to be this year's project. And... yeah.
**Two of my fave shows are back, and two more are debuting soon; there's a movie premiering in Vancouver at the end of the month that I'm going to trek up to see, and there's also a big fan event in London that will probably have a ton of new Primeval news.
But right at this very moment, my life just isn't working the way I want it to, and I'm having a really hard time not feeling crushed by that.
Bad:
-A cat who's most likely dying. Slowly. Frustratingly. Expensively. And not even two years after we lost the last one.
-On Tuesday, I start a new job. Same as the old job. Which was mind numbing. My career is basically stalled out at this point because the entire field is a wasteland and what little that isn't would require me to move to another city. But I need the money and consistent entries on my resume, so I'm back to the grind.
-Said money needing is getting in the way of big life things. I'm really upset that we have to delay getting the adoption started yet again because of other things that have come up (such as the ~$1300 we've spent on the cat so far, and the anemic stock market making our small stash basically worthless.)
-And because we're trying to save as much as we can for said adoption, other large expenses are on hold. No travel, for instance. Atlanta was the last hurrah for that for the forseeable future. Which means that the one thing that's been making me happy lately (my fandom stuff) isn't going to get much in-person care and feeding. I'm really, really bummed that we're not going to manage a UK trip. Not just because I want to see the country and meet certain Famous People, but because I really want to meet the wonderful folks I've found in this fandom.
-Doing a bit more research into alternate (read: cheaper) kid-getting options and finding out that it's standard procedure to deny IVF for anyone with a BMI over 35. Nevermind what one's actual health is. The BMI is Our Lord and Savior and we must abide by its infallible numbers. I admit this is also making me panic a little bit about whether this is going to be an issue for the adoption, too.
-Haven't spoken to my parents since April. Don't expect to anytime soon. Given the conditions I gave them for contact ("please seek therapy so you can learn to understand why I'm pissed off at you"), this basically means they've decided they rather wallow in paranoia, small-mindedness, drama and ignorance instead of have healthy, reasonable and mature contact with me. Much as I wish we could have a better relationship in their last years, I know it's not going to happen. I know my dad is probably going to die without getting his head out of his ass and realizing what the problem is and fixing it. And that guts me. Also, let me mention how much I fucking hate Glenn Beck for stealing my parents from me. That asshat has a lot to answer for.
-A bunch of little, annoying shit: Our freezer has stopped properly freezing and we can't quite figure out why. We have a pair of light fixtures behaving weirdly which is going to necessitate someone crawling around in the attic and mucking with wiring. We got a water bill that's three times the normal, which probably means we have a leak somewhere. The projector (AKA our TV) is behaving strangely and needs to be repaired/replaced. Stupid moi forgot to turn off the interior light in my car when I was cleaning it out yesterday and it drained my battery. Beyond irritated with the current state of the upcoming election and the endless rah rah tea party ignorant bullshit. Fall's here, which means the garden is spent for now and many birdies are on their way outta here. We're also apparently in for a nasty winter. Yaye.
The good (aside from the usual good marriage/awesome new house/high general standard of living thing):
-Got bloodwork, etc. back from my doc visit last week: I'm healthy! Well, as healthy as I ever am. Kidney and liver function are normal; urinalysis was normal. Fasting glucose just a tiny bit past normal. Total cholesterol normal, though HDL a bit low and LDL a bit high. Triglycerides a tiny bit past normal. From a Real Numbers (aka NOT the FSM-damned BMI) standpoint, I'm actually in pretty good nick for someone almost 40 with my bucketload of genetic fail.
-Penny's in very good health for her age. Aside from the vision issue, she's perky and functional and she should be around for a while, yet. Which is good, because if Fammy goes, I don't think I'd be able to take losing Penny right away soon, too. Otter, of course, is as fit as a butcher's dog and damned near the size of one.
-World's Best Roomie. <3 Seriously, I think we'd fall apart without D around.
-Even though I'm sure it makes muggles laugh about me behind my back, I'm really quite proud of the fanworks I've done in the last ~6 months. They've gotten very good feedback, and I think I've learned quite a lot about video editing and graphics, and gotten some good writing practice in to kill some bad habits. The new job means I don't have time anymore to do them, but I do feel I have a nice catalog of work out there, now, which will likely get a lot more attention when the new Primeval season comes up.
-And speaking of fan stuff, I'm still quite chuffed about how well the ATL trip went. It wasn't 100% perfect, but damned close. May even reserve another hotel room (refundably) for next year just in case we have the cash for it then.
So, it's not all bad. But... Yeah.
I think the bad stuff would be a lot easier to take if I had something good coming up that I could look forward to, but there really isn't anything. No kid, no vacations, no big goals to work toward... It's all just day-to-day grind for the forseeable future, and that's really depressing. This is the first time in more than a decade* that I haven't had something big going on, and I'm really feeling quite lost.
It's kinda pathetic, mebbe, that the only upcoming things that might make me relatively happy (at least for the short term) are pop culture things.** But, really. Without a lot of money/time/energy for anything else, parking my ass in front of some screen or other is what's available, so... It's also the only way to keep me distracted until we can finally get going on the other moving-forward stuff.
So, yay for fan squee, I guess.
*Previous years included a couple of big moves, plenty of travel, lots of performances, all the events/projects from my LOTR fandom days, school, getting a job, spawning attempts, etc. Now? Nada. The adoption was supposed to be this year's project. And... yeah.
**Two of my fave shows are back, and two more are debuting soon; there's a movie premiering in Vancouver at the end of the month that I'm going to trek up to see, and there's also a big fan event in London that will probably have a ton of new Primeval news.
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I'm sorry about your kitty :( Mine's doing the same thing for no goddamn reason that we can find and it's making me freak out and go into emotional shutdown mode.
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I think if we could do it for cheap with a weekend in Canada or something, I would, but IVF is one of those things that requires constant, ongoing appointments over several months, so we'd have to basically move there in order to make it happen, which would cancel out the cheap.
One thing we're still looking at is how much it might cost to hire a surrogate. State law here makes it illegal to pay more than medical expenses, so no high rent-a-womb costs, but I don't know how much it might run otherwise.
And yeah on the freaking out thing. I just wish she'd tell me exactly what's wrong, and whether she wants me to help her or just let her go.