We are family

[textualdeviance]

Thinking a bit more about the adoption thing, one issue has been nagging at me: Is it really fair to bring a child into a family of only two people?

M and I have a great deal of love to give, and would be very dedicated to any child we took in, but neither of us have great relationships with our families of origin. In fact, I can't think of anyone I'm biologically or legally related to with whom I actually have a close, loving relationship. I get a few birthday cards here and there, but really, those people don't actually know me, and wouldn't like me if they did. So... No.

We do have some good friends, of course. I consider D and K to be family, definitely, and there are plenty more people we love whom we'd readily add to that list if we got closer, but for capital-F Family--people we could be certain would be in our child's life for the long haul--it really is just us.

The popular concept of family--the dozen or so people gathered around at Thanksgiving or whatever--just isn't a part of our lives, and won't be. We've already lost all of our grandparents, so our child would never know great-grandparents, but they wouldn't know grandparents, either, except in passing. No aunts, no uncles, no cousins. They'd meet a few, sure--M's siblings, for instance, wouldn't be unknown to them--but they'd really be little more than strangers, not people with whom they'd really be close. On a day-to-day basis, we'd be it.

On a practical level, I don't see this getting in the way too much. Yeah, most birth mothers would probably prefer to give their babies to couples with a larger family, but I'm sure there might be some who wouldn't worry about that. The only issue is just my own concern with it, and whether we'd be emotionally shortchanging a child by having such a small circle of loved ones for them to come home to.

Comments

[flippet.livejournal.com]

I think a lot of that depends on the kid, but you don't know what you've got until you've got it.

It's like the only-child conundrum. You'll find onlies who loved and still love every minute of it, who never felt lonely, who always had friends, who always felt that their parents were all the needed, and all that stuff.

And then there's me, who hated most of it, and I hate it even more now that I'm an adult. And one of the things I hate is that my children do not have cousins on my side of the family, and there's nothing I can do about it. (I'm a bit lucky that I have a cousin who has children close to my kids' ages who we see reasonably often, but that is luck, and it's not the same.) One of my bffs has two kids, her sister will have four in a week or so, and one of the things they've done is they'll do professional family pictures and do a shot or three with all the cousins. I just love that idea - but it's not available to me.


And then there are people who start out with loving, close families, and somehow lose them, either through distance (yeah, your family is wonderful and loving, but they live in Sweden or something), or, people pass away before you can say that your kids knew them. (Both of my kids grandfathers died before they were born, and my mom died last year - they'll barely remember her.)

It's just life, and it's something you work with. I don't think that not having bunches of the stereotypical 'close family' should be a dealbreaker to having a kid through any means, if that's what you really want. You just have to set up your life in ways that make up for that as much as possible.

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

I rather hated being an only child, too. Even though I spent a lot of time around my cousins (mostly on my mom's side), I felt really detached from people in my generation. Didn't help that we had few other people around with kids my age.

That part, at least, won't be as big of an issue for us. Our neighborhood is full of kids, and we have many friends with young ones they'd (I hope!) see plenty of.

Plus, there's always the possibility that we could adopt more than one. I don't think I could handle two kids in diapers, but I could see us giving it another go in a few years if the first one works out well enough. Or we might adopt a sibling group, too (assuming that the older one doesn't have a lot of mental issues we'd have to try to undo.)

Still, the cultural pull of the whole stereotypical big, close-knit family thing is really strong. Might even be especially so for us since much of my family is Irish and Italian and his is Mormon, and therefore the cultural Family Above All thing is pretty powerful. Much as I intellectually believe that family isn't defined by DNA, I still have that nagging voice telling me otherwise.

[van.livejournal.com]

Of course that's fair. It's more than fair. No one is entitled to have a big old family gathering like that. I've had them and absolutely hated them. Most of my mother's side of the family are dead and I can't stand most of my father's. While I've sometimes lamented the fact that the fairytale grandmother has always been that to me--a fairtale--I've never had issues with it. I'll never go, "my grandma makes the best cookies" or "I love go to my grandma's in the summer" but that's such a minor thing. I'd certainly rather that than be in an orphanage.

And anyway, someday YOU can be that kickass grandma and grandpa. :)

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

You're sweet. Thank you. :)

M and I have joked sometimes that we apparently skipped the whole middle-age/parenthood stage and went straight into retiree/grandparents. We enjoy spoiling other people's kids and we even have sad little senior citizen hobbies these days, too. ;)

(And FWIW, you can come visit me and I'll make you cookies anytime. ;) )

[van.livejournal.com]

I think I'd much rather be a grandparent than a parent. Granted, I don't have a super desire to have kids in the first place, but when I do, I realize it's much more in a grandparenty way--spoiling them rotten, taking them on fun trips, showing them cool dorky stuff I've done or plan to do, and then handing them back to mom and dad for the skinned knee and diaper change.

Too bad you can't "adopt a grandparent." Maybe that's a service you two should start, ha.

[pixxelpuss.livejournal.com]

It's quite possible that some birth moms would Rather give their kids to smaller families. Sexual abuse often involves extended family, so a smaller family may seem like a safe-guard against that. Kids from huge families who felt neglected or picked on might like the smaller family dynamic.

And honestly, if a kid is loved by sane parents, they're going to do fine.

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

You could be right. I guess I just want to be sure my kid gets all the love she could ever want, and I hope we're enough to do that on our own.

[fenchurche.livejournal.com]

You know, I have a fairly large extended family... but we were never really anywhere near them when I was growing up. Of course, that didn't negate the fact that they were there, somewhere, and we did visit them from time to time, but they weren't all around me all the time in an "it takes a village" kind of way. So my parents found other people to fill the roles of relatives. I had some "grandparents" who were in no way related to us... and several sets of aunts and uncles, made up of my parents' close friends. They got included in family celebrations, I'd spend a week with my Grandma Mary and Grandpa Lanny in the summer out on the lake (they had a tent trailer set up at a campground every summer), that sort of thing.

Just because genetics didn't throw a bunch of people close to you (either physically, mentally or emotionally) doesn't mean you can't create those same sorts of circumstances in other ways!