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textualdevianceSo, we're doing our sexual harassment "prevention" training seminar tomorrow, and I realize that I actually feel kind of weird about it.
See, the thing is, I've been a victim of this. The real kind, not the ribald-jokes and meaningless-flirting kind. I had a boss get inappropriately intimate with me in a dominating way--stealing my purse, playing keepaway with a pack of birth control pills, taking things of mine and putting them in his office so I'd have to come fetch them. That sort of thing. I've also been in workplaces where guys thought nothing of posting hardcore beaver shot pictures in common rooms, and one where a guy three times my age (yes, literally) liked to make comments about how "sweet and fresh" I was. Ew.
But, after several years of more or less working on my own, or in situations that had little to no fraternization, behaving by the book at this place is going to be a challenge to me.
Those who have spent any time with me know I'm an incorrigible flirt, and I have taste for salty language and innuendo. But they also know that I don't do these things in a sleazy troll, breathing down the neck sort of way. I have had far too much experience with rejection from people I'm attracted to to even initiate serious flirting or come-ons with someone (I almost always wait for someone else to make the first move), much less push the issue.
On rare occasion, I may let a sincerely flirtatious comment slip to someone I'm interested in, but I'm usually instantly mortified at what's come out of my mouth, and run and hide so I don't do anything else stupid. Virtually all the flirting I do, therefore, is insincere. It's usually with gay men, for instance. Yes, I generally find myself attracted to gay men, but (after some very bad experiences that direction) I don't expect anything, and they know that. So it's just harmless fag/haggery. We get lewd, we get touchy, we have fun, and that's that. Sometimes it's a little frustrating for me, because it can, on occasion and with the right person, push my buttons, but generally speaking, it's harmless. Oddly enough, I sometimes do the same with straight guys who are married or have girlfriends. I don't flirt to play the chick competition game (though I do have a past as a homewrecking slut, that's not my M.O. these days) but because I feel safe doing so, knowing that there's no possibility of it going beyond words.
I rarely flirt with women. One, because there are few women (exceptions, especially for many of the fabulous chicas reading this, do exist) who I think would appreciate ribald innuendo in the spirit in which it's offered, and two, because with some women, the safety net doesn't exist. Either they'll assume I'm being sincere, if there's no relationship or orientation barrier between us, and get annoyed, or I actually will be sincere, and that's just fraught with danger. If I'm going to flirt with an unattached female of an amenable orientation, I want to be damned sure I'm prepared for her to take it seriously--whether her reaction is rejection or acceptance.
Then there's my dirty mouth. I curse a LOT. Every third word is some form of the word, "fuck." I rarely use the c-word, but I have been known to say other vulgarities with regularity. I'll mutter under my voice about someone being an ignorant prick, or call some politician a shit-sucking sphincter monkey.
I also tend to assume, if I'm in a room full of mostly-liberal adults, that they're mature enough to handle discussions of an R-rated nature. For instance, tonight in the newsroom, someone mentioned the name of a team (intramural?) called the Meat Curtains. A few people had no idea what that term might mean. I was all set to explain this--albeit not in gory detail--but then I realized I should probably be delicate about it, and just mumbled something about it being a reference to female anatomy.
Seeing as how these are my natural tendencies, from an actual sexual harassment standpoint, I don't think I'd ever have a problem. I'm never going to push myself on someone--either for quid pro quo or any other reason--and when I talk about sex, I do so in a way that acknowledges that it's something mature adults do, and not something filthy that men force on women. If I ever feel that someone I'm trading commentary with is uncomfortable with my level of flirtation or vulgarity, I instantly turn it down. Because to me, those things are only fun when they're being lobbed back.
But regulations vary. I don't know exactly what we'll be hearing about at this seminar, but I am worried about how they're going to define a "hostile working environment." Because honestly? I don't think a mere mention of sex or peer-to-peer flirting should fall into that category. And I also think that uptight women (and some men) who start throwing around lawsuits when someone dares to say the word "penis" in a room full of fellow adults are screwing over people who really DO have to deal with real sexual harassment.
If I go up to some hapless straight chick and tell her she has nice knockers, absolutely, that's out of line. If I post some objectifying swimsuit calendar at my desk, absolutely, smack me around. But this is a newsroom, for fuck's sake, not a PTA meeting, and I don't think anyone has the right to expect to never hear a curse word or a reference to adult topics there. I'd never initiate a discussion of "describe your most embarassing sex moment" or grind up against someone. But I do pat someone's arm or shoulder sometimes, and I honestly can't resist a good double-entendre with someone I think will appreciate it. Especially when this involves people with whom I'd like to have a non-working friendship, I would just feel annoyed--and paranoid--about having to watch everything I say and do. I can clearly envision a time when I'm tired and punchy and let something naughty slip, and the next thing I know, I'm hauled into someone's office for a conference.
I'm not sure how to get around this. I don't want to change my personality. And I know how to behave when I'm in far more professional circumstances. I'd never have been this way with the people I worked with this summer, for instance. But this is a bunch of college kids on a student newspaper. It seems silly to think that I'd really have to button up so tightly in this situation, and I really hope I don't have to. I hope that the people I work with would be forthright enough to speak up if I did or said something they didn't like--knowing that I meant no harm--rather than get all litigious about it.
See, the thing is, I've been a victim of this. The real kind, not the ribald-jokes and meaningless-flirting kind. I had a boss get inappropriately intimate with me in a dominating way--stealing my purse, playing keepaway with a pack of birth control pills, taking things of mine and putting them in his office so I'd have to come fetch them. That sort of thing. I've also been in workplaces where guys thought nothing of posting hardcore beaver shot pictures in common rooms, and one where a guy three times my age (yes, literally) liked to make comments about how "sweet and fresh" I was. Ew.
But, after several years of more or less working on my own, or in situations that had little to no fraternization, behaving by the book at this place is going to be a challenge to me.
Those who have spent any time with me know I'm an incorrigible flirt, and I have taste for salty language and innuendo. But they also know that I don't do these things in a sleazy troll, breathing down the neck sort of way. I have had far too much experience with rejection from people I'm attracted to to even initiate serious flirting or come-ons with someone (I almost always wait for someone else to make the first move), much less push the issue.
On rare occasion, I may let a sincerely flirtatious comment slip to someone I'm interested in, but I'm usually instantly mortified at what's come out of my mouth, and run and hide so I don't do anything else stupid. Virtually all the flirting I do, therefore, is insincere. It's usually with gay men, for instance. Yes, I generally find myself attracted to gay men, but (after some very bad experiences that direction) I don't expect anything, and they know that. So it's just harmless fag/haggery. We get lewd, we get touchy, we have fun, and that's that. Sometimes it's a little frustrating for me, because it can, on occasion and with the right person, push my buttons, but generally speaking, it's harmless. Oddly enough, I sometimes do the same with straight guys who are married or have girlfriends. I don't flirt to play the chick competition game (though I do have a past as a homewrecking slut, that's not my M.O. these days) but because I feel safe doing so, knowing that there's no possibility of it going beyond words.
I rarely flirt with women. One, because there are few women (exceptions, especially for many of the fabulous chicas reading this, do exist) who I think would appreciate ribald innuendo in the spirit in which it's offered, and two, because with some women, the safety net doesn't exist. Either they'll assume I'm being sincere, if there's no relationship or orientation barrier between us, and get annoyed, or I actually will be sincere, and that's just fraught with danger. If I'm going to flirt with an unattached female of an amenable orientation, I want to be damned sure I'm prepared for her to take it seriously--whether her reaction is rejection or acceptance.
Then there's my dirty mouth. I curse a LOT. Every third word is some form of the word, "fuck." I rarely use the c-word, but I have been known to say other vulgarities with regularity. I'll mutter under my voice about someone being an ignorant prick, or call some politician a shit-sucking sphincter monkey.
I also tend to assume, if I'm in a room full of mostly-liberal adults, that they're mature enough to handle discussions of an R-rated nature. For instance, tonight in the newsroom, someone mentioned the name of a team (intramural?) called the Meat Curtains. A few people had no idea what that term might mean. I was all set to explain this--albeit not in gory detail--but then I realized I should probably be delicate about it, and just mumbled something about it being a reference to female anatomy.
Seeing as how these are my natural tendencies, from an actual sexual harassment standpoint, I don't think I'd ever have a problem. I'm never going to push myself on someone--either for quid pro quo or any other reason--and when I talk about sex, I do so in a way that acknowledges that it's something mature adults do, and not something filthy that men force on women. If I ever feel that someone I'm trading commentary with is uncomfortable with my level of flirtation or vulgarity, I instantly turn it down. Because to me, those things are only fun when they're being lobbed back.
But regulations vary. I don't know exactly what we'll be hearing about at this seminar, but I am worried about how they're going to define a "hostile working environment." Because honestly? I don't think a mere mention of sex or peer-to-peer flirting should fall into that category. And I also think that uptight women (and some men) who start throwing around lawsuits when someone dares to say the word "penis" in a room full of fellow adults are screwing over people who really DO have to deal with real sexual harassment.
If I go up to some hapless straight chick and tell her she has nice knockers, absolutely, that's out of line. If I post some objectifying swimsuit calendar at my desk, absolutely, smack me around. But this is a newsroom, for fuck's sake, not a PTA meeting, and I don't think anyone has the right to expect to never hear a curse word or a reference to adult topics there. I'd never initiate a discussion of "describe your most embarassing sex moment" or grind up against someone. But I do pat someone's arm or shoulder sometimes, and I honestly can't resist a good double-entendre with someone I think will appreciate it. Especially when this involves people with whom I'd like to have a non-working friendship, I would just feel annoyed--and paranoid--about having to watch everything I say and do. I can clearly envision a time when I'm tired and punchy and let something naughty slip, and the next thing I know, I'm hauled into someone's office for a conference.
I'm not sure how to get around this. I don't want to change my personality. And I know how to behave when I'm in far more professional circumstances. I'd never have been this way with the people I worked with this summer, for instance. But this is a bunch of college kids on a student newspaper. It seems silly to think that I'd really have to button up so tightly in this situation, and I really hope I don't have to. I hope that the people I work with would be forthright enough to speak up if I did or said something they didn't like--knowing that I meant no harm--rather than get all litigious about it.
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At my office, especially within my small team, we have all sorts of off-color discussions. I recently exchanged halloween costume ideas w/a guy who works for me, and commented that an advantage of a particular costume we might *both* do is that it gets people to look at your ass. My next IM comment was "in a non HR violating sort of way". He assured me I was very far indeed from crossing any line.
I think it's about being as cautious as you need to be, considering who's in the room. There are things I'd say with my small team of researchers that I would never let slip with my boss in the room, and certainly wouldn't say in the hallway or (goddess forbid) while strolling through the newsroom. Just being aware of others should be fine: I often start IMs or conversations with "Hey, beautiful", "Hi, gorgeous", or "Hey, hottie" and people just smile. They know me, they know I'm being friendly. But I would never do that with a new employee or someone with whom I didn't already have a warm & friendly working relationship.
Anyway, my five cents FWIW...