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textualdevianceDespite having posted a separate clarification, the hits keep coming. I'm not reading them, though. I'm sure they're all saying the same thing, about how I'm evil, anti-trans, etc.
I seem to recall not too long ago being told that not only was I not a feminist, but I was actually a misogynist because I disagreed with grown women acting like airheaded little girls. The morons accusing me of this had drunk the essentialist kool-aid that convinced them that that's what "real" femininity/womanhood is, and if I didn't accept/embrace it, then surely I must be anti-woman. Pointing out that behaving like a brainless sex toy is a sure way to get people to treat one like a brainless sex toy--quelle horreur! And the same goes for the other essentialism, of course--the mother/goddess bullshit. Regardless of whether one thinks a "real" woman is a pink-clad chattery twit or a brood mare, the problem is still the same:
1. It makes people who don't precisely fit one of those profiles do terrible things to themselves in pursuit of them.
2. It reinforces the idea that being a "real" woman is something anyone should waste their time trying to achieve in the first place.
3. It causes people who, in their own insecurity about not being feminine enough, attack others who they percieve as being not properly feminine. Which of course leads to a lot of #1 behavior, because of girls and women who feel lonely and isolated because they're different than the ideal.
This shit is killing us, folks. Why do we keep doing it?
And the same is true for guys--and that includes (especially, in some cases) trans guys, some of whom have so idealized media versions of masculinity that they can be real macho assholes about trying to emulate it.
I wonder if these trans guys really understand that the attitudes they're spouting--I'm 100% male, how dare you point out I don't have a fully functioning penis--are the same kinds of gender-rigid attitudes that make actual anti-trans people hate them.
I hate binary gender. I hate the idea that a person is either 100% male or 100% female. Because no-one is. And trying to make people fit into those molds--and trying to make others accept those molds as normal--is literally killing people.
I wish there was a way I could explain to them that it's entirely possible to percieve someone as male for all intents and purposes while still acknowledging that they don't have factory-issued male equipment. A penis is not the sum total of a man. Therefore it shouldn't be necessary to pretend a given man has a penis when he doesn't.
All this insanity over body configurations. Sheesh. Bio guys freak out if their dick doesn't look like a baseball bat. Women freak out if their boobs aren't big yet perky (a biological impossibility.) For some trans guy to demand that total strangers accept what he has as the exact same thing as a factory issued dick* would be like me demanding that people not think I'm fat. I know I'm fat. Duh. I don't expect people to not see that. I merely expect them to treat me like a human being regardless of it. Being fat is part of who I am, but it is not the sum total. None of us are the sum total of our bodies and we need to stop hurting ourselves and others by laboring under the idea that we are.
The problems in the US that aren't caused by religion are caused by people expecting us all to be the same (and yeah, some of that is inspired by religion, too.) The notion of a Perfect Gender (as Kate Bornstein puts it) is fucking us all over. Most of us are trying to be some iconic, media created ideal of what a man or woman should be, and frankly, none of us are ever going to fit those. The people who want to sell us stuff would never have it any other way. If people were contented with who they are, then they wouldn't feel the need to waste money on fashion, cosmetics, gym memberships, flashy cars, botox, plastic surgery... and we certainly can't have that. Our economy would collapse. Or so the Republicans would have us think.
I just want us to get to a place where what we do to our bodies is entirely a matter of pleasure and health, and not a matter of trying to precisely fit what we think we should look like. I believe that even if we had true gender neutrality and equality, some people would need to have corrective surgery so their bodies fit more of what they are (see my Kinsey scale point) but the extremes really need to stop. And frankly, trans people should be the first to stop buying into them, considering how much damage they incur because of the application of those extremes by non-trans people who also have rigid ideas of what men and women are supposed to be.
*Random ETA:
Just in case someone doesn't get this: acknowledging difference does not equal ranking in value. I posted a big ol essay on this a while back when I was bitching about the people who have the attitude of "I don't care if you're queer, I think of you as a person." Well, gee, thanks. Nice to know I'm an honorary person despite being a dirty perv.
I don't believe in extremes, but I also don't believe in assimilation, because what usually happens in assimilation is that the characteristics of the minority get blended away in the dominance of the majority. The core values of being human are the same for all of us. Yet each of us is unique, and that's a good thing.
I'm a believer in stews, instead of melting pots, in other words. Blend one carrot into a gallon of potato soup, and all you get is a slightly orange tinge. Add chunks of carrot to chunks of potato in a stew, and that's a whole different story. You get to experience the yumminess of both things in concert.
And while I'm doing food metaphors (breakfast is overdue, sue me) the trans bits thing is something like this:
Apple juice and orange juice are both great. Some people prefer one over the other. Some people may have bad reactions or allergies to one or the other and therefore have to avoid them. Therefore, if you hand someone a closed container and don't tell them what they're getting, you could very well have an upset person on your hands.
And even worse, if you hand them a closed container of orange juice and tell them it's apple juice, even people who otherwise love orange juice are going to initially be freaked out. Anyone who has ever slurped a big gulp of a gold liquid they thought was iced tea but which was actually apple juice knows how freaky that sensation is. And is that the kind of reaction anyone wants in the middle of sex? Gah.
It is not a devaluation of either juice to be clear about which one is getting. It is not an insult to either juice if someone prefers one over the other. If someone declared that apple juice was the only "real" juice and that all orange groves should be torched, that's a problem. But requesting that people properly label before asking someone to slerk down a mouthful of tree fruit squeezins isn't out of line.
I seem to recall not too long ago being told that not only was I not a feminist, but I was actually a misogynist because I disagreed with grown women acting like airheaded little girls. The morons accusing me of this had drunk the essentialist kool-aid that convinced them that that's what "real" femininity/womanhood is, and if I didn't accept/embrace it, then surely I must be anti-woman. Pointing out that behaving like a brainless sex toy is a sure way to get people to treat one like a brainless sex toy--quelle horreur! And the same goes for the other essentialism, of course--the mother/goddess bullshit. Regardless of whether one thinks a "real" woman is a pink-clad chattery twit or a brood mare, the problem is still the same:
1. It makes people who don't precisely fit one of those profiles do terrible things to themselves in pursuit of them.
2. It reinforces the idea that being a "real" woman is something anyone should waste their time trying to achieve in the first place.
3. It causes people who, in their own insecurity about not being feminine enough, attack others who they percieve as being not properly feminine. Which of course leads to a lot of #1 behavior, because of girls and women who feel lonely and isolated because they're different than the ideal.
This shit is killing us, folks. Why do we keep doing it?
And the same is true for guys--and that includes (especially, in some cases) trans guys, some of whom have so idealized media versions of masculinity that they can be real macho assholes about trying to emulate it.
I wonder if these trans guys really understand that the attitudes they're spouting--I'm 100% male, how dare you point out I don't have a fully functioning penis--are the same kinds of gender-rigid attitudes that make actual anti-trans people hate them.
I hate binary gender. I hate the idea that a person is either 100% male or 100% female. Because no-one is. And trying to make people fit into those molds--and trying to make others accept those molds as normal--is literally killing people.
I wish there was a way I could explain to them that it's entirely possible to percieve someone as male for all intents and purposes while still acknowledging that they don't have factory-issued male equipment. A penis is not the sum total of a man. Therefore it shouldn't be necessary to pretend a given man has a penis when he doesn't.
All this insanity over body configurations. Sheesh. Bio guys freak out if their dick doesn't look like a baseball bat. Women freak out if their boobs aren't big yet perky (a biological impossibility.) For some trans guy to demand that total strangers accept what he has as the exact same thing as a factory issued dick* would be like me demanding that people not think I'm fat. I know I'm fat. Duh. I don't expect people to not see that. I merely expect them to treat me like a human being regardless of it. Being fat is part of who I am, but it is not the sum total. None of us are the sum total of our bodies and we need to stop hurting ourselves and others by laboring under the idea that we are.
The problems in the US that aren't caused by religion are caused by people expecting us all to be the same (and yeah, some of that is inspired by religion, too.) The notion of a Perfect Gender (as Kate Bornstein puts it) is fucking us all over. Most of us are trying to be some iconic, media created ideal of what a man or woman should be, and frankly, none of us are ever going to fit those. The people who want to sell us stuff would never have it any other way. If people were contented with who they are, then they wouldn't feel the need to waste money on fashion, cosmetics, gym memberships, flashy cars, botox, plastic surgery... and we certainly can't have that. Our economy would collapse. Or so the Republicans would have us think.
I just want us to get to a place where what we do to our bodies is entirely a matter of pleasure and health, and not a matter of trying to precisely fit what we think we should look like. I believe that even if we had true gender neutrality and equality, some people would need to have corrective surgery so their bodies fit more of what they are (see my Kinsey scale point) but the extremes really need to stop. And frankly, trans people should be the first to stop buying into them, considering how much damage they incur because of the application of those extremes by non-trans people who also have rigid ideas of what men and women are supposed to be.
*Random ETA:
Just in case someone doesn't get this: acknowledging difference does not equal ranking in value. I posted a big ol essay on this a while back when I was bitching about the people who have the attitude of "I don't care if you're queer, I think of you as a person." Well, gee, thanks. Nice to know I'm an honorary person despite being a dirty perv.
I don't believe in extremes, but I also don't believe in assimilation, because what usually happens in assimilation is that the characteristics of the minority get blended away in the dominance of the majority. The core values of being human are the same for all of us. Yet each of us is unique, and that's a good thing.
I'm a believer in stews, instead of melting pots, in other words. Blend one carrot into a gallon of potato soup, and all you get is a slightly orange tinge. Add chunks of carrot to chunks of potato in a stew, and that's a whole different story. You get to experience the yumminess of both things in concert.
And while I'm doing food metaphors (breakfast is overdue, sue me) the trans bits thing is something like this:
Apple juice and orange juice are both great. Some people prefer one over the other. Some people may have bad reactions or allergies to one or the other and therefore have to avoid them. Therefore, if you hand someone a closed container and don't tell them what they're getting, you could very well have an upset person on your hands.
And even worse, if you hand them a closed container of orange juice and tell them it's apple juice, even people who otherwise love orange juice are going to initially be freaked out. Anyone who has ever slurped a big gulp of a gold liquid they thought was iced tea but which was actually apple juice knows how freaky that sensation is. And is that the kind of reaction anyone wants in the middle of sex? Gah.
It is not a devaluation of either juice to be clear about which one is getting. It is not an insult to either juice if someone prefers one over the other. If someone declared that apple juice was the only "real" juice and that all orange groves should be torched, that's a problem. But requesting that people properly label before asking someone to slerk down a mouthful of tree fruit squeezins isn't out of line.
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Sometimes I don't know if I should laugh at them, or cry from the shame of being in the same species.
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I hate that attitude. Minority status does not entitle anyone to be an insensitive, self-centered fuckwit.
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heh.
you rock!!
i've been reading a lot of FTM communities because i'm simply interested in the FTM transition...and i find a lot of FTM's hot. call me a fetishist..call me an asshole..call me whatever..just don't call me late for dinner.
what you're writing makes perfect sense...and it irks me that so many people just dont get it.
"..
I wonder if these trans guys really understand that the attitudes they're spouting--I'm 100% male, how dare you point out I don't have a fully functioning penis--are the same kinds of gender-rigid attitudes that make actual anti-trans people hate them..." <--- this is so true.
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Uh, bullshit. No-one is "naturally" a lying jerk. It's not an excuse for bio guys and it's not an excuse for trans guys, either.
You see this in some non-trans queer folk, too. Some gay men, for instance, get so paranoid about being thought effeminate that they go the opposite direction and start acting like a neanderthal. If I have to listen to one more "straight acting" gym queen rage on about how the dykes and fairies have ruined things for the rest of the community, I'm going to start a riot.
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I'm trans, and frankly not telling someone before you fuck them is just tactless. I feel like just about all of what you said is right on point.
Anyways, I thought I'd save myself (and you) further harrasment and just high five you privately. Way to go:).
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i hope you don't mind i followed from your post on the ftm community because i wanted to say that i agree with everything you said in comments as well as the comment disabled post. it seemed like everyone who was arguing was just getting heated over bits & pieces or reading into it things that weren't there. at face value everything you said was spot-on and i hope you just ignore the spelling challenged obviously much less intelligent persons than you who want to take what you said out of context as a reason to get pissed off.
and the fact that you aren't trans shouldn't have anything to do with any of it. i'm not either, but my boi was also reading the comments (the only reason we read the comments on that post was b/c of your comment disabled post, we both had too many negative thoughts immediately to get involved in a war of words like you had to.)
sorry for being long winded! i just wanted to say you rock, and it is very obvious that you are someone who is stating your opinion in a very well thought out, eloquent way and that the people who have a problem with that are a bunch of reactionary teenagers. don't let them pull you down! *hugs*
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YOU.ARE.FUCKING.DISGUSTING.
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Of course. But only if the way they live doesn't negatively affect other people, or prevent them from living their lives the way they want to. We are only truly free if we are not oppressing others when we exercise our freedom. You don't get to hurt other people while you're pursuing happiness.
As I pointed out, everyone has the right to choose whether to have sex with a given person, and if they don't want to have sex with a trans person--for whatever reason--that's their right. I think educating people so their reasons for not wanting to have sex with a trans person are not based in prejudice is important, but there are legitimate, non-prejudice reasons why a person may choose to not have sex with a trans person.
No-one should have to lie to get laid. And that goes for any lie about something that may be important for a potential sex partner to know about: health status, relationship status, quirks/kinks, etc. If you feel you need to lie or not disclose about something like that, or risk not being able to have sex with a given person, then frankly, you don't deserve that sex. No one is obligated to have sex with anyone, and no person--no trans person, no non-trans person--is entitled to have sex with someone who doesn't want to.
Incidentally, I believe my use of the word "rape" was to say that I didn't believe lying about being trans constituted it. If you're going to complain about what I said, at least get it right.
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