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textualdevianceJust finished a rewatch of the amazing In Her Skin, which is based on a true story of a murder in Australia. Watched it the first time since one of my Primeval actors plays the villainess in it, and it's easily one of my favorites, now.
Most of this comes down to the amazing work done in that role, and how familiar so much of her story feels to me. There are some scenes of her freakouts that honestly could have been me at various times of my life. I don't know what she was diagnosed with--I'm guessing bipolar, or some sort of personality disorder--but the mix of obsessiveness, self-loathing, rage, etc., is definitely something I can identify with.
So what made the difference? Why did this girl get so far gone that she ended up killing someone, and I'm now in relatively decent nick?
Well, chances are that what's wrong in my head is somewhat milder to begin with, but the other thing is this: my school took me seriously, and cared when no-one else did. The alternative high school I went to had a mandatory counseling program, and it was there, at 16, that I finally was told that no, what was going on for me was not normal. It took some wrangling with my parents, who thought mental health care was a load of snake oil, but my school counselor led me to more resources--individual and group counseling, etc.--and I kept going from there.
It did, of course, take another 15 years before it was all managed more or less properly. There were some big pitfalls with the wrong meds, and some very dark days when I was dealing with my also-messed-up ex, and the incredible stress of poverty, college, social chaos, etc. But at least the journey started when I was still young enough for it to matter, and at least the funding was there for the program to exist (and likewise with the further state-funded care I got in college.) There were people out there who weren't willing to just write me off as useless or someone who created/deserved her own problems. There were people who were trained to recognize what was wrong with me, and work to fix it. Not sure I ever would have become murderous had I not had help, but I, myself would definitely be dead by now, at least.
Of course, things aren't perfect, even now. The stress and abuse I went through as a kid did some permanent damage to my brain wiring, and my meds don't solve everything. I have bad days. Bad weeks, even. I still have trouble coping with major stress events and navigating social waters. I still tend to be a bit slovenly, obsessive and argumentative, especially when there's outside life chaos going on. I still struggle with the baggage that comes with my other shortcomings. But I am light years beyond where I was before I started getting treatment.
All the self-harming and risky behaviors, all the suicide attempts, the hoarding, the staying in bed for days on end, the bulimia ... that's all gone. Haven't tried to off myself in nearly 16 years. Finally got enough of my physical health stuff dealt with to go back to school and work full-time. Finally feel ready and able to be a parent. I'm definitely not 100%, and would be a lot worse without my meds, but I'm a reasonably stable, responsible adult. I'm about as close to a major success story as mental health treatment can get. The best part is that I keep improving, and those improvements in themselves snowball, because they give me more confidence to keep going (and probably also keep rewiring my brain in the process.)
I am, and always will be someone who has a mental illness, but thanks to people who cared, I can manage it basically on my own now. As long as I have access to my meds, a partner who loves me unconditionally and the tools I need (hi, Livejournal!) to work through the bad days when they happen, I'm functional.
I just wish the same could be said for the millions of others out there who are falling through the cracks. Not all of us will turn to murder, of course, but there's enough suffering of other kinds out there that it's unconscionable that a first-world country like the US isn't properly equipped to manage us. Millions of lives are lost to suicide and indirect self-harm. Millions more are affected by people who aren't getting the help they need. When are we going to realize that this is a major public health crisis, and do something about it?
Most of this comes down to the amazing work done in that role, and how familiar so much of her story feels to me. There are some scenes of her freakouts that honestly could have been me at various times of my life. I don't know what she was diagnosed with--I'm guessing bipolar, or some sort of personality disorder--but the mix of obsessiveness, self-loathing, rage, etc., is definitely something I can identify with.
So what made the difference? Why did this girl get so far gone that she ended up killing someone, and I'm now in relatively decent nick?
Well, chances are that what's wrong in my head is somewhat milder to begin with, but the other thing is this: my school took me seriously, and cared when no-one else did. The alternative high school I went to had a mandatory counseling program, and it was there, at 16, that I finally was told that no, what was going on for me was not normal. It took some wrangling with my parents, who thought mental health care was a load of snake oil, but my school counselor led me to more resources--individual and group counseling, etc.--and I kept going from there.
It did, of course, take another 15 years before it was all managed more or less properly. There were some big pitfalls with the wrong meds, and some very dark days when I was dealing with my also-messed-up ex, and the incredible stress of poverty, college, social chaos, etc. But at least the journey started when I was still young enough for it to matter, and at least the funding was there for the program to exist (and likewise with the further state-funded care I got in college.) There were people out there who weren't willing to just write me off as useless or someone who created/deserved her own problems. There were people who were trained to recognize what was wrong with me, and work to fix it. Not sure I ever would have become murderous had I not had help, but I, myself would definitely be dead by now, at least.
Of course, things aren't perfect, even now. The stress and abuse I went through as a kid did some permanent damage to my brain wiring, and my meds don't solve everything. I have bad days. Bad weeks, even. I still have trouble coping with major stress events and navigating social waters. I still tend to be a bit slovenly, obsessive and argumentative, especially when there's outside life chaos going on. I still struggle with the baggage that comes with my other shortcomings. But I am light years beyond where I was before I started getting treatment.
All the self-harming and risky behaviors, all the suicide attempts, the hoarding, the staying in bed for days on end, the bulimia ... that's all gone. Haven't tried to off myself in nearly 16 years. Finally got enough of my physical health stuff dealt with to go back to school and work full-time. Finally feel ready and able to be a parent. I'm definitely not 100%, and would be a lot worse without my meds, but I'm a reasonably stable, responsible adult. I'm about as close to a major success story as mental health treatment can get. The best part is that I keep improving, and those improvements in themselves snowball, because they give me more confidence to keep going (and probably also keep rewiring my brain in the process.)
I am, and always will be someone who has a mental illness, but thanks to people who cared, I can manage it basically on my own now. As long as I have access to my meds, a partner who loves me unconditionally and the tools I need (hi, Livejournal!) to work through the bad days when they happen, I'm functional.
I just wish the same could be said for the millions of others out there who are falling through the cracks. Not all of us will turn to murder, of course, but there's enough suffering of other kinds out there that it's unconscionable that a first-world country like the US isn't properly equipped to manage us. Millions of lives are lost to suicide and indirect self-harm. Millions more are affected by people who aren't getting the help they need. When are we going to realize that this is a major public health crisis, and do something about it?
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