Jun. 19th, 2011 07:17 pm
On fatherhood
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textualdevianceThese types of holidays are always hard for me, because I haven't had the best relationship with my parents over the years. There are a lot of reasons for this--which I've gone into in a fair amount of detail here from time to time--but suffice it to say, we're at a tenuous peace at the moment, and I hope things stay that way.
In all this time, though, I've watched many of my friends' relationships with their fathers, and have seen many become fathers themselves. Even though I don't buy into the gender divide thing when it comes to parenting, it's still enough of a part of the culture I exist in that observing these relationships around me--observing men as they come to grips with redefining themselves--is quite an education.
I've learned a lot from this that I feel I can bring to my own parenting, if we manage to make that happen. The "mommy" role is something that's never called to me in any way, and it's taken me years to realize that that doesn't mean I don't have a parenting instinct at all. But neither, of course, do I have some of the typical "fatherhood" instincts that have so broken so many of my friends--and me, too, in some ways. The drive to assert masculine dominance and fight off any hint of showing weakness has destroyed so many children, and also the men who can't seem to make themselves stop doing that to them.
My own dad has had his own issues with this, of course, and it definitely is part of the reason things have tended to be strained between us. But I think I can honestly say that the lion's share of our problems are more just personality, philosophy and lifestyle differences (backed up with strong wills and a tendency to be stubborn and cantankerous on both parts) rather than him trying to do what he thinks men and fathers are supposed to do. My dad has made a ton of bad choices over the years, some of which have hurt me quite deeply, but he's also done a lot better than a heck of a lot of other fathers I've observed, especially in encouraging my own strength, education, literacy, tomboy nature, etc. Though my mom tried quite a lot to get me to act like a proper girl, he never really did, and has always supported and even encouraged that part of me. It's ironic, but even though some of the worst things that happened to me were in part due to mistakes he made, the strength of character he gave me also helped me survive them.
I don't expect us to ever have the close relationship we did when I was younger. I'm too scarred at this point, and both of us are far too set in ways that are inherently opposed. I don't think either of us needs that drama. But I do have some good things that I take from his parenting, and think I'll eventually apply to my own. And maybe that's enough.
In all this time, though, I've watched many of my friends' relationships with their fathers, and have seen many become fathers themselves. Even though I don't buy into the gender divide thing when it comes to parenting, it's still enough of a part of the culture I exist in that observing these relationships around me--observing men as they come to grips with redefining themselves--is quite an education.
I've learned a lot from this that I feel I can bring to my own parenting, if we manage to make that happen. The "mommy" role is something that's never called to me in any way, and it's taken me years to realize that that doesn't mean I don't have a parenting instinct at all. But neither, of course, do I have some of the typical "fatherhood" instincts that have so broken so many of my friends--and me, too, in some ways. The drive to assert masculine dominance and fight off any hint of showing weakness has destroyed so many children, and also the men who can't seem to make themselves stop doing that to them.
My own dad has had his own issues with this, of course, and it definitely is part of the reason things have tended to be strained between us. But I think I can honestly say that the lion's share of our problems are more just personality, philosophy and lifestyle differences (backed up with strong wills and a tendency to be stubborn and cantankerous on both parts) rather than him trying to do what he thinks men and fathers are supposed to do. My dad has made a ton of bad choices over the years, some of which have hurt me quite deeply, but he's also done a lot better than a heck of a lot of other fathers I've observed, especially in encouraging my own strength, education, literacy, tomboy nature, etc. Though my mom tried quite a lot to get me to act like a proper girl, he never really did, and has always supported and even encouraged that part of me. It's ironic, but even though some of the worst things that happened to me were in part due to mistakes he made, the strength of character he gave me also helped me survive them.
I don't expect us to ever have the close relationship we did when I was younger. I'm too scarred at this point, and both of us are far too set in ways that are inherently opposed. I don't think either of us needs that drama. But I do have some good things that I take from his parenting, and think I'll eventually apply to my own. And maybe that's enough.
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