Course of action

[textualdeviance]

This is one of those weird little quasi-Aspie things of mine, so I'm soliciting feedback from people with more social skills.

When faced with a stranger or casual acquaintance who is behaving badly (not necessarily overtly hurtful, just rude or w'ev) do you:

1. Confront the person publicly
2. Confront the person privately
3. Complain about it to someone else, and hope the message gets back
4. Say absolutely nothing at all

My usual MO in these situations is either 2 or 3: I can't bear to let bad behavior go uncommented in some way, because people will keep behaving badly if they don't hear otherwise. Yet I also don't usually feel the need to get into a public stink about it, often because that makes things worse (especially if the point is to keep a situation pleasant for everyone.)

However, I've found that both actions tend to bring a lot of shit with them. If I do #3, I'm considered to be talking behind someone's back. If I do #2, I'm considered to be confrontational, and the rude person often tries to drag it out in public, or turn the tables and make me out to be the bad guy.

My instinct tends toward #2 most often, because it's easier to take someone aside and try to explain politely why their behavior is unpleasant. Honestly, given my own big mouth and cluelessness about social stuff, I'm usually receptive to getting those kinds of discussions myself. I'm sometimes mortified, and can have some unpleasant immediate reactions, but generally speaking, if someone's nice about it, I'm good. So that's what I try to do for others.

However, it's been my experience that others just really don't take that well at all. Especially when I'm dealing with younger folks, I tend to see a lot of really nasty reactions to the idea that anyone, no matter how nice, is criticizing their behavior. It's really not method, I don't think, but the criticism itself. There are plenty of people who, like yours truly, sometimes behave rudely without meaning to, but I've also seen a lot of people who do it because they honestly don't give a shit about anyone else, and just want to do whatever they feel like doing without any restraint.

And therein lies the dilemma: How do you keep brats like that from pissing all over everyone else without making things worse? Obviously in many of these cases, there's a larger problem of entitlement that random strangers can't address at all, but I also don't think it's right to just let someone be a total ass and not call them on it in some way. IMHO, that's how these brats get that way in the first place--their parents/teachers never gave them any limitations, so they learned they could do whatever they wanted.

It's hard to teach consideration for others to anyone over the age of 10, but someone's got to do it. I'm more or less brave enough to do so, but I really need to find more effective techniques, because what I'm doing now keeps backfiring.

Comments

[flippet.livejournal.com]

I almost always choose #4. It kind of depends on the circumstances, though.

I'm very non-confrontational, mostly because it's had a tendency to backfire on me, and as a very introverted person to start with, I'd rather not invite that kind of damage.

When I lived in the dorm, one night my roommate was very sick, migraine with nausea, move a pinky and feel like you're gonna die, that kind of thing. The girls (of color, coincidentally) directly overhead were apparently throwing a party, playing music and just being generally loud. Now, this was slightly unusual for this dorm anyway - being a small midwestern Christian college and all that. So I went upstairs where I found them spilling out into the hallway, and hesitantly asked them if they could possibly keep it down a bit, as my roommate was quite sick.

They totally turned on me and got vicious, verbally attacking me, making it clear that they would continue to do exactly as they pleased, ans I was a so-and-so for even suggesting that they alter their behavior.

It left me shaking, and though I went directly to the Dean's office and reported it, I was shaking all through that, and for the rest of the night.

That's the kind of thing that happens to me, so I tend to avoid it whenever possible. I don't know what it is about me, but I have no projectable sense of authority - it's one of the main reasons I never wanted to be a teacher, actually.



At the same time, I do have that sense of indignation when someone's misbehaving, it just doesn't usually get expressed. But the other night was 'pumpkin night' at the local grocery store, and I'd waited in line (behind a family of rude cut-in-lines who were ordering for their entire neighborhood, apparently) forever for the cheap hot dogs, cider and donuts - it was really windy, and I had to carry all this, including three cups of cider, out to my kids outside...and as I exit the doors, some teenagers were horsing around and nearly smashed into me, stepping on my foot, etc. I didn't spill anything, but I *did* snap back '*watch* what you're doing, this is not the time for that'. The girl looked at least a little chagrined, but I guess it being an adult against a 14-year-old helped a bit, there.


I will step in more often when it's smaller kids, or when I have at least a small bit of authority in the situation, and simply being the parent of another child in the vicinity usually lends me some.


All that said - I think they're so incensed because it never happens to them - no one is curbing their behavior at all. I've been out with my kids, and have often gotten compliments on my parenting, because I *am* reining them in. And people just don't speak up to give compliments these days, so when I do get one, I tend to feel like I must be doing something right.

[noipeh.livejournal.com]

I usually mention it in public, in other words call them on it. Or I glare. But I'm a teacher, so my glare more or less works on anyone. If not, I have no trouble confronting directly. For example, the people behind us let their dog bark continually for several nights. At 2:30 AM on the third night in a row I got in the car, rang their doorbell, asked them to please do somehing about their dog as I'd like to get some sleep. Dog hasn't barked since then.

You have the moral high ground, don't be afraid to use it.

[jaynedoll.livejournal.com]

It depends on the circumstances but now I tend to go for option 4. If I say something it usually backfires and I end up getting attacked/looking bad and it can quite easily spiral into a really nasty situation with nobody coming out of it looking that great. Plus sometimes the other person genuinely doesn't see their behaviour as a problem and nothing I say or do is going to change this. And there's also the thing of choosing your battles wisely - is it worth me confronting someone over something that's not really going to affect my life in any major way in the long term and perhaps ultimately really isn't any of my business/my responsibility to change.

I know it sounds like a total cop-out but I had to try and do this for the sake of my sanity if nothing else.