Fear and self-loathing

Random thing I just realized: I find it hard to post about anti-fat hatred in more-general fora. I'm always afraid that if I even bring up the subject, it'll call attention to the fact that I'm one of the fatties, and the bullies will smell the blood in the water and descend upon me. And because being fat is something that's still considered a "genuinely" bad thing for various reasons, people simply aren't willing to step up and have my back when shit like that happens, which leaves me to try to fight off the raptors on my own. And that? Is freaking exhausting.

The sheer amount of victim blaming that happens when anti-fat prejudice flares up is breathtaking. Somehow, people have got it into their heads that the mere state of being fat is physical evidence of character flaws--ones that are apparently so bad that sentencing us to discrimination, harassment, pain or even death is justified.

And then there are the concern trolls. "Oh, but it's so unhealthy!!" Um. OK. So why is every iota of the health and fitness industry polluted with messages about how I'm utterly worthless because I'm not decorative enough, and never will be no matter how healthy I am? Why can't I find a gym that will simply let me use some equipment to help improve my blood pressure without being flooded with stuff telling me I'm ugly, and that's the real problem? Why are people so judgmental about the bodies they see in locker rooms? Don't tell me this is about health when even my doctor's office has a bunch of brochures for cosmetic surgery. If berating people about how they look actually worked to improve health, Americans would be the healthiest damned people on the planet.

I'm just so fucking tired of it. I'm tired of being faced, literally dozens of times every single day, with people telling me that I'm not worthy of love, of respect, of even being alive because I'm fat. And I'm even more tired of otherwise-sensible people who are doing nothing at all to stop this from happening, or--even worse--propping up the industries that perpetuate it. If you're too tired or busy or whatever to actively work to end this, fair enough, but at least stop giving money to companies that make fortunes off of making fat folks feel like shit, yeah?

I've managed to survive as long as I have because I've done everything I can to be valuable in ways other than how I look. I've studied hard, worked hard, tried to make myself a kind, loving and generous person. I've learned to be charming, to be witty, to keep people entertained and amused and informed and cared for. I have done everything I know how to make up for the fact that my body is not what my culture says it should be. And yet it's still not enough, and I'm not sure it ever will be. I'm not sure there are enough social Hail Marys I can say at this point that will ever absolve me of the sins of my flesh.

I'm just tired of living like this. I'm far too stubborn to take the easy way out, of course. For every ounce of me that's hurting and bleeding from the constant beatings, there is an equal amount of rage and defiance that bubbles up to make me refuse to succumb to the will of the people who want to see me defeated. But I admit: this fight would be a hell of a lot easier if I knew there were more people out there who are willing to fight by my side.

I sincerely believe that I am a person who is worth the air I breathe no matter what size I am or how I came to be this way. I also know there are--thank you--several people who also believe that, and who have worked hard to support me. I just wish there were more. This is not a fight that can be won by one stubborn-ass chick and her tiny army, because this stubborn-ass chick is not the only one who's being constantly attacked. People who aren't as stubborn as me are still, quite literally, dying because of how much the world is telling them they're worth nothing. And for the love of fuck, this has to stop. Please.