Safety first

Saw a name pop up recently. Someone with whom I used to be close, but we had a big falling out that resulted in my saying, more or less, "I have to end our friendship because I no longer feel safe around you."

I have a lot of these. My past is littered with friendships and relationships I ended because something about the other person made me feel uncomfortable and worried for my safety (physical, sometimes, but often emotional, too.) Very few of these folks were actually abusive with me or others (and the ones who were got dumped right away as soon as that came up.) In most cases, it was more of an attitude thing.

For instance, people who started spouting casual bigotry, especially toward people in disadvantaged groups. Racism, sexism, homophobia, of course, but also disdain for immigrants, or the poor, or people with "invisible" disabilities. I began to wonder: If this person is so casually cruel to people in x category, what kind of respect can I expect from them given my own shortcomings?

When I've ended these friendships--often rather abruptly--sometimes other friends will scratch their heads and wonder what my problem is. Or they'll actually say I'm being unfair to said ex-friend by suddenly dumping them for something they said or did that upset me that way.

But y'know? I'm not actually obligated to offer my friendship to people I don't trust. And people who espouse violence or even just plain disregard for the needs and feelings of people who are weaker than themselves? I don't trust. It may be that the person in question just needs a little compassion themselves to stop being such an ass, but I'm not the one who can do that. I'm not strong enough myself to be able to survive if they turn that hatred on me.

So even though it bothers me that I do have that long list of ex-friends behind me, I don't apologize for ending those relationships. I feel safer and stronger for having done so, and that puts me in a better position to be able to help others when I can.