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They say you're only as old as you feel. Which for me I think means I've been 40 since I was about 12. My parents even referred to that. "11 going on 35" was a pretty common reference.
Yet my age really has never been much of a thought for me. It's been my lfestage that's been salient. I recognize how old I am, and I have a vague idea that I'm starting to get to a place where I need to get my shit together and decide what I want to be when I grow up (hence the going back to school thing) but I've actually always been cranky about being too young for people to respect me. I always got blown off when I was a kid because I was too young to have opinions or whatever. My first degree earned me some respect, but not a lot. So I've been waiting my whole life to be in a position where people won't automatically discount what I have to say for some arbitrary reason or other having to do with my age, gender, looks, marital status, professional status or parental status.
When you're 25 and female, people don't listen to what you have to say unless it comes from a pretty package. Attractiveness is paramount for being respected when you're young. It's still a factor when you're older, but not quite so much. So considering that I never had that on my side, I've actually been looking forward to getting older, where that just won't be a big issue anymore. Sheesh, if Madeline Albright can be respected, I certainly can. There ain't much in the way of respect for a short, dumpy, hatchet-faced 20something. But when you get past 40, 45, it's a whole different ballgame. There are still certain expectations, of course. Motherhood, for one. You're supposed to have gotten that out of the way by then and that's something I never got around to, and probably won't, unless I suddenly decide to adopt at 40. And (at least for the kind of respect I want) a good career track record is nice, too. I can work on the latter, though.
Sometimes I feel old. I feel like life has passed me by already and that I never got myself together and actually started having a life until it was too late. But then I realize well, it IS too late for some of those things, so why worry about them now? Why worry about having a tiny ass? It's not going to be the same currency it would've been 10 years ago for me. So there's an odd freedom to being able to just stop caring about those things that seemed so important then and start focusing on becoming the person I really want to be, instead of the one others expect me to be for my age/lifestage.
I was just brushing my hair, and it's been several weeks since I colored it last. I color it because I like having a hair color that isn't found in nature. But it's very grown out now. And what I'm seeing is masses of silver hair at the roots. My temples are almost completely that color, now, and my hairline is about 40%. A little shocking, maybe, for 33, but it runs in my family. My aunt was fully gray at 30. I'll probably be that way at 40. And I kind of like the idea, actually. It may make me look older, but that's fine with me. It's true that the over-focus on youth culture has given the young a disproportionate amount of respect, but a lot of the whole respect your elders stuff is still there. We can't fathom a president under ~50, for instance. And with people living longer and healthier, the Boomers are making sure that they're not going to go quietly into their geriatric stage. My health being what it is, I probably won't be too spry at 60, but I still have several more years before I get there, and they will be years largely unencumbered by the petty worries of youth. Sounds pretty damned good to me. I've been a cantankerous old bitch for years. It's cool that I'm starting to fit the part. :)
Yet my age really has never been much of a thought for me. It's been my lfestage that's been salient. I recognize how old I am, and I have a vague idea that I'm starting to get to a place where I need to get my shit together and decide what I want to be when I grow up (hence the going back to school thing) but I've actually always been cranky about being too young for people to respect me. I always got blown off when I was a kid because I was too young to have opinions or whatever. My first degree earned me some respect, but not a lot. So I've been waiting my whole life to be in a position where people won't automatically discount what I have to say for some arbitrary reason or other having to do with my age, gender, looks, marital status, professional status or parental status.
When you're 25 and female, people don't listen to what you have to say unless it comes from a pretty package. Attractiveness is paramount for being respected when you're young. It's still a factor when you're older, but not quite so much. So considering that I never had that on my side, I've actually been looking forward to getting older, where that just won't be a big issue anymore. Sheesh, if Madeline Albright can be respected, I certainly can. There ain't much in the way of respect for a short, dumpy, hatchet-faced 20something. But when you get past 40, 45, it's a whole different ballgame. There are still certain expectations, of course. Motherhood, for one. You're supposed to have gotten that out of the way by then and that's something I never got around to, and probably won't, unless I suddenly decide to adopt at 40. And (at least for the kind of respect I want) a good career track record is nice, too. I can work on the latter, though.
Sometimes I feel old. I feel like life has passed me by already and that I never got myself together and actually started having a life until it was too late. But then I realize well, it IS too late for some of those things, so why worry about them now? Why worry about having a tiny ass? It's not going to be the same currency it would've been 10 years ago for me. So there's an odd freedom to being able to just stop caring about those things that seemed so important then and start focusing on becoming the person I really want to be, instead of the one others expect me to be for my age/lifestage.
I was just brushing my hair, and it's been several weeks since I colored it last. I color it because I like having a hair color that isn't found in nature. But it's very grown out now. And what I'm seeing is masses of silver hair at the roots. My temples are almost completely that color, now, and my hairline is about 40%. A little shocking, maybe, for 33, but it runs in my family. My aunt was fully gray at 30. I'll probably be that way at 40. And I kind of like the idea, actually. It may make me look older, but that's fine with me. It's true that the over-focus on youth culture has given the young a disproportionate amount of respect, but a lot of the whole respect your elders stuff is still there. We can't fathom a president under ~50, for instance. And with people living longer and healthier, the Boomers are making sure that they're not going to go quietly into their geriatric stage. My health being what it is, I probably won't be too spry at 60, but I still have several more years before I get there, and they will be years largely unencumbered by the petty worries of youth. Sounds pretty damned good to me. I've been a cantankerous old bitch for years. It's cool that I'm starting to fit the part. :)
