Starting the mommy wars early. Do I get a gold star?

[textualdeviance]

Not even put in the adoption agency paperwork, yet, and already I'm dealing with people who think I'm Doing It Wrong.

This is, of course, outside of the people who already think that because:

1. I'm 40

2. I'm fat

3. We're queer/non-gender-role compliant

4. We didn't have the ingredients to make one from scratch, so we're buying pre-baked (which, 4.5, means there won't be breastfeeding. OMG!)

5. I'm planning to work (after the first year or so)

And probably a bunch of other stuff that I can't even think of right now.

This particular round of the YDIW circus has been brought to you by my defense of folks who use doulas, nannies, au pairs, etc., and our own plans to have some outside help, because I know my own limitations, and know I won't be able to handle it all on my own once M goes back to work.

I have my theories about where this particular sort of thing comes from,* but regardless of the motivation behind it, it's freaking annoying. Really, my kid is not going to be emotionally stunted if some of her 2 a.m. feedings/changes come from someone other than me or M. Virtually every new parent has SOMEONE around to help out--usually family.** But some of us don't have that luxury, and hiring out is our best option. Having a "stranger" changing some of my kid's diapers isn't going to hurt her one bit. Having a primary caregiver who can barely think straight because she's extremely sensitive to sleep deprivation? Far bigger problem.

Meh.

I already know we're going to face a lot of slings and arrows due to the laundry list of YDIW stuff above. I just didn't expect it to happen this early, and also didn't expect it from people I consider friends.

I'm financially secure, well educated, in a stable, long-term relationship, emotionally well-adjusted (even though that took a while) and, though I don't have a lot of practical experience, I do have a crapload of academic knowledge on what makes kids tick, and how best to turn them into sane, productive adults. I am, as a matter of actual fact, far better suited to parenting than a lot of people who are lucky enough to be able to make their own kids. The mere fact that I'll be asking someone else to do 20% of the early work of keeping the kid alive isn't a deal breaker, folks. Not having the capacity or even desire to be with your kid 24/7 doesn't mean you shouldn't have one. One may as well argue that it's bad parenting to send your kid to a public school instead of teaching her at home. (If you can't be bothered to do your child's education yourself, then why have one?!)

Honestly, I get criticism of people who really do have little or nothing to do with their kids. People who have them just out of obligation or as a status symbol or w'ev, and have no intention of spending any time with them? Yeah. I get that. But this is not some upper-class, park-the-kids-upstairs-with-a-governess thing. I'm not shipping them to boarding school as soon as I can. I'm just getting a bit of help because I have some physical limitations and we don't have family around. That's all. This is not a crime, really.

Aside from a few basic rules, like don't smack your kid around or drown them in secondhand smoke, there's a really huge variation in parenting methods that will produce healthy, functioning adults (which is, let's face it, the goal of parenting, right?) A stable home life, for instance, is the single greatest predictor of mentally healthy kids. We have that. Our kid is going to get plenty of love and attention, she'll never have to worry about her next meal or a roof over her head, and we're never once going to call her names or use violence to try to control her behavior. Having strangers dealing with a percentage of her early basic maintenance is not going to harm her in the slightest.


*Mostly: "I had to suffer through x, so everyone else should, too!" Where x = everything from starvation dieting to natural childbirth to a house with no running water. Sue me, but I'd rather spend my time helping end suffering for other people than martyring myself solely on principle. I've had enough Puritan suffering-is-noble guilt for one life, thanks.

**It's interesting that you almost never see this type of criticism of people who have family helping out. It's only when a "stranger" gets involved that people get fussy. Park the kids at grandmas for a week? No problem. A pre-school for your three year old? EVIL OMG.

Comments

[carsam1.livejournal.com]

Shawna. People are entitled to an opinion, just as you are entitled to have yours.

It was our opinion on how 'we' do/or would want to bring up our kids. It was in no way a judgement of your capabilities of looking after a child. You have your views, we have ours.

I'm sure you'll be great mother. no-one was ever doubting that.

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Honestly, though, the feeling I got from Casy was a specific belief that if a parent needs help, then they ought not have a child. And that really, really rubbed me the wrong way.

There's a really strong sentiment (mostly in the US) that anyone who needs help of any kind (healthcare, unemployment insurance, etc.) is a burden on society, and considering all the other stuff I've needed help for, I'm already dealing with a lot of crap on that issue. Getting it from someone I consider a friend really hurt.

[noveldevice.livejournal.com]

That idea that if a parent needs help they shouldn't have a kid relies mainly on framing nurturing costs as "women's work" that can be folded into the economy as a silent, gendered expense.

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

Yep. That's something else that's always bugged me. You never see people complaining about fathers with full-time jobs. Sigh...

[noveldevice.livejournal.com]

I expect it's only "mommy wars" if you let it be. My best friend never participated in any of the mommy-drama even though her at the time sister-in-law was doing attachment parenting and a bunch of other stuff before anybody else, and was incredibly vocal in her criticism of everyone who parented in different ways than she did.

All you have to do is your thing, and you probably have the same chances of being mystified and irritated when your kid runs away to join an accounting firm or an artists' collective as anyone else. :)

Everyone else gets to do their thing too, though, and there are probably going to be times when someone wants to talk about their thing as much as you want to talk about your thing. Cultivating a certain lack of distress now is probably the right way to go.

Also, I'm sure it's the elitist, overeducated snob in me, but whenever I see someone talking about getting a doula I'm a little horrified before I remember they're using it as a word for a kind of assistant. :) (A doula is a slave.)

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

All you have to do is your thing, and you probably have the same chances of being mystified and irritated when your kid runs away to join an accounting firm or an artists' collective as anyone else. :)

Ha! Undoubtedly. I think between the two of us, we'll basically be OK. I have the book larnin' about it, and he has the practical experience (more or less raising his four siblings.) But yeah. Kid could grow up to live on a pot farm with 26 wives and a herd of yaks. Never know. ;)

Cultivating a certain lack of distress now is probably the right way to go.

Sage advice. I actually was mentioning to M a while back about how I'm getting all my parenting anxiety out now while I have the chance. ;)

And I totally didn't know that about that word (Greek, yes?) Color me educated. :)

[noveldevice.livejournal.com]

Well, yak fur is a pretty good legal cash crop, and a Heinlein style line marriage is by and large, taking the long view, pretty stable, so it could probably be a lot worse. :) And I'm sure your kid would be sensible enough to thoroughly bribe the local authorities about the pot. (How sad is it that I totally see this happening in Oregon?)

I think we've reached a point socially and culturally where we're on the brink of understanding that children have intrinsic rights rather than basically being livestock until they're eighteen, and we have a dim grasp of the fact that how a kid is raised often has an effect on what kind of adult they grow up to be, but our society still isn't sure how to grapple with kids' rights vis-á-vis the culturally inherited understanding of family as chattel, and is really stymied over the fact that undesirable parenting practices often manage to produce healthy adults and so-called desirable ones often don't, so there's a lot of proscriptive thinking and also a lot of anxiety.

It's basically a mess out there. You just have to get over heavy ground as light as possible, I think.

And yeah, doula is a transliteration of δούλη. :)

[van.livejournal.com]

I am sure this happens to almost everyone and is certainly not people just picking on you and M for any given reason. I mean, I'm sure there is going to be some of that too, because y'all are DIFFERENT and DIFFERENT, of course, is WRONG. But I also know that it happens to everyone. Mother-in-laws are notorious for chiding daughter-in-laws about how to RAISE 'EM KIDS. I am completely against spanking, for instance, but both my parents occasionally swatted my brother and I, and it's still a pretty traditional disciplinary measure for many parents.

I think what it boils down to is that parents want the best for THEIR kids, and they want to think THEY'RE doing the best they can. So when they see you doing it differently, they either think, A.) That means you think THEY'RE doing it wrong, or B.) They ARE doing it wrong, and thus has to justify why they're doing what they're doing by fussing at you for not doing it, too.

And to be sure, there's no single "right" way to raise a good kid, so when the difference is "using a nanny for 20% of infancy" vs. "grandma babysitting" or whatever, it's really moot. And while I'm morally opposed to spanking, I do realize that most parents don't do it in an abusive way, and it doesn't psychologically traumatize the majority of kids. (I was spanked and am okay, for instance. However, I know enough kids who were spanked in non-abusive ways who ARE traumatized from it to know that I never want to risk that on my kid.)

I also know helicopter parents who raised good kids, and I know helicopter parents who raised complete social wrecks, so. You just have to take a breath and deal with it, and just know that you know what's best for your kid, even if other people think they do. In the end, just remember that they want the best for your kid, too, even if their method of expressing it is to question your parenting. Everyone does it. I even found myself questioning the parenting of the lady cutting my hair yesterday. (Though I had sense enough not to say anything; not my place, and the kid wasn't being abused/neglected.)

Anyway. YOU KNOW YOU ARE DOING GOOD, SO DON'T LET IT GET TO YOU <3

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

Thank you, my dear. :)

We had a friend and his 18 month old come by today, and it really went a long way toward making me more confident about the whole thing. I know I'm going to need a little help chasing around a kid at that age (when they're constantly in motion unless they're asleep, and don't yet respond to verbal direction), but outside of that, I think I'll be OK.

<3