textualdeviance: (Default)
Not quite as much as 2011, as I was so sick for so long. But here's 2012's approximate tally:

Legit:
Finishing Harper: 32,000
Polishing up Thunderstone: 10,000
Worlds Away (new novel): 86,500

Fic: (Two Primeval and one Leverage): 2,350

Legit blog: 24,500 (49 posts at an average of 500 words each)

"Serious" LJ and Tumblr posts: ? But probably about the same as the legit blog.

Total: About 166,000

Vids:
Primeval: Brighter than the Sun, Heroes
PNW: An alt-edit of the opening titles

Graphics:
Two new designs up at Zazzle, a couple of ARCadians logos/headers, plus a few random things on Tumblr.
textualdeviance: (Handrew hats)
Doing my part to help Andrew's lovely film get a shortlist spot in the Virgin Media Shorts competition. Little Larry - Virgin Media Shorts

If you've not yet seen this, do--it's well worth the couple of minutes. :) If you like, please hit the share buttons below the vid. There are 12 shortlist films chosen by the judges, plus a 13th spot that goes to the one that gets the most shares between yesterday and the 19th.

Andrew's a fantastic filmmaker, and he really deserves to get as much attention as possible for this work.
textualdeviance: (Default)
Originally posted by [livejournal.com profile] ourdramaqueen at <i>Hobbit</i> teaser trailer!
Here you go: Apple Trailers - and if you have problems with that link, there's also ComingSoon.net.

ETA: WHy don't I just embed it? :)


EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH SO EXCITING!!!! *bounce*


ETA1: Using the occasion to tack on the following:

High Rez Hobbit Photo Available

First Lego Box Sets Appear Online
textualdeviance: (Default)
Pasting this over from Tumblr. Saw a post from someone asking fic writers some questions for a project she's doing, and this was my answer:

***

I’ve written in just two fandoms—LOTR and Primeval—but I’ve written quite a lot in both. In Primeval alone I’m probably at about 200k words, including a 120k-word novel centering on my OT3 (Abby/Becker/Connor.) I tend to prefer slash and mmf triads, but I’ve written plenty of femmeslash, het, gen and even RPF.

For me, fic is primarily about exploring relationships (primarily sexual, but sometimes other stuff) and situations that go beyond what a given canon will or can portray. It’s also very good practice for my legit writing, as it helps me work out plotting issues, correct bad habits, explore character and scene dynamics, and other technical writing stuff.

I find I’m most attracted to canons that have a lot of subtext going on, or a pairing or subplot that’s hinted at, but never fully explored. I know a lot of writers don’t really care about canon all that much and just gleefully go off and write whatever they will—AUs, etc.—but for me, finding a way to integrate my side stories and “after hours” scenes into a canon framework is a fun challenge, and makes the writing more satisfying. I also prefer to read stories like this; wildly AU or out-of-character fic doesn’t interest me. I’m there for the canon I love, not someone else’s virtually original fic. I much prefer to read professionally written original fiction, if I’m going there.

I rarely write fanfic OCs except as needed for certain plots or scenes. They’re red shirts or background characters, at best. Again, this is because I’m there for the canon. I write plenty of original fiction as well as fanfic, so if I have original characters I want to develop, I do that separately. And oh, do I! I wouldn’t say there’s a process I use to create them. They just come to me, sparked by ideas from other things, or sometimes even entirely spontaneously.

I definitely do fall in love with my characters, both the canon ones and the ones I write for my original stuff. Though I try to ensure my canon characters are as true to the originals as possible, there are, of course, things that are slightly different. More than that, however, it’s a deeper exploration of the lives and emotional states of those characters, and getting to know them more intimately like that does, definitely, create an emotional attachment for me.

It also happens that way for my original characters, and to an even stronger degree. I’d say that most writers of original fiction would agree that, in some ways, they’re kind of making their own best friends. In order to really understand a character’s motivation and write them authentically, you have to get intimate with them. They have to live inside your head quite a lot—as much as real loved ones would. And that naturally creates an emotional bond, even if the entire person only exists inside the mind.

I think people without a lot of imagination wouldn’t understand how this works. I’ve known people who can’t easily escape into fictional worlds at all, much less on an emotional level. They can’t relate to or care about anyone they don’t know in a physical, real-world context. I can’t imagine a life like that. Of course, I adore my meatspace friends and loved ones, but I also adore the ones I know only online, or the ones I know from fiction, or who exist only inside my head. Physical selves are important, of course, but the core of who a person is is intangible. Connecting on that intangible level, for those of us who can do it, is often just as rewarding as connecting in meatspace. Sometimes even more so.
textualdeviance: (Default)
... said something rude that I heard out of context and thought was an insult to me (I was on set with him for some reason, you see, and overheard this.) I was pissed off enough that I started raging at him, told him to fuck completely off, and started an online "CK is an Asshat" campaign.

Oddly, he was actually impressed by this, and sent me an email apologizing for what he'd said, and asking if he could make it up to me somehow.

So the next time they were back in my neck of the woods for pickup filming, he came over. I made him cookies and we chatted for a while. The insult in question was a looks thing, and he'd come to realize that that was a stupid thing to say in general, even in the innocuous context I'd missed. I explained that that kind of language was hurtful because it leads people to believe that women who don't look a certain way are unworthy of sex/love/etc., and he agreed. He said he was ashamed of having said what he did, because he actually didn't feel that way at all himself.

And then he started giving me dating advice. He pointed out that even if a woman doesn't have that kind of look, she can still be attractive to the right people.

Extremely odd dream conversation )

***

Why my brain chose Christian Kane to give me a Valuable Life Lesson about romance, I have no damned idea. I woke up giggling. But also rather more educated about why M's with me. I think.

Whatever. My brain let me shag Eliot Spencer. I'm down with that. ;)
textualdeviance: (Default)
Naturally, when I should be in bed, I'm ruminating about stereotyping, marginalization, tokening, stock characters, archetypes, blah blah.

All because I've found it annoying that metacultural representations of geeks tend to go with shorthand based on Star Wars, Star Trek, vampires, zombies, superheroes and, if they're trying to aim in a slightly more hipster direction, Whedon (for UKers: Add Who.) And also because I'm feeling rather marginalized these days because I'm not really into any of those things, and therefore I'm apparently not really a geek, depending on whom one asks.

Big fandoms are big. They are not the only ones. Nor is everyone in them the same. )

We geeks are no longer few and dispersed. We can afford to ignore or even complain about things aimed at us that don't ring true. And we should. We are a force to be reckoned with, after all. Making us angry would be highly illogical, because we are subtle and quick to anger and use our braaains. Shiny? Then don't panic, allons-y and let's avada kedavra these lazy fraks.
textualdeviance: (Recommended for the Internet)
So, if you've not kept up with my tl;dr rant and babble lately (and I wouldn't blame you), here's a condensed version of what's been going on in my life the last couple of months!

---
The biggest thing, of course, is that we've got at least a rough plan for getting the adoption going. We've been sorting through agencies, and have found at least one that may be right for us. We have our first intro seminar dealio with them next Tuesday. Assuming that goes well (and it may or may not) we'll get going on the home study stuff soon after. That process will take a couple months, but we'll probably be on the waitlist sometime in January. Then? No clue how long it might take. Could be a long wait, though, since we're going to be pickier than some, and have a few not-so-attractive things as potential adoptive parents. Still more-than-slightly terrified, especially about getting cleared medically, but I'm crossing my fingers.

---
The other big thing is that I'm singing again! I bit the bullet and joined up with SWC. Only a few rehearsals so far, but god, it feels good to be back. It's been ~4 years since I did any serious singing, and getting back into it is making me wonder why I ever stopped. (Well, I know why--time, burnout, scheduling fail, etc. Still.) I've been needing to feed my soul, and music is its preferred meal, so. Yeah. :) First concert's in February. We'll see what I do after that--will prolly depend on adoption stuff.

---
Also still writing like a demon, though it's been ages since I did any fanfic. (Kind of fading interest a bit on the primary fandom. More on that in a bit.) Since I'm not working again yet, I decided to take advantage of the downtime and do NaNoWriMo this year. If you're over there, you can find me with this handle. I seem to be going well on my project so far--have topped 9,000 words in just four days, which is well ahead of their suggested pace. Helps that I put together a decent chapter outline for it in the middle of this, too.

Haven't done more agent shopping for the other novel, but I think I want to give it another edit and maybe a bit of expansion before I do. Have been letting it sit for a few months now, and fresh eyes wouldn't be a bad thing before I go dropping it on someone else.

---
Khaleesi seems to be settling in fairly well. She's still shy of Otter, because he's an asshole and he's almost twice her size, but she gives him (well-earned) smacks on the nose pretty regularly. She's also basically a perfect cat. She's friendly, sweet, has perfect litterbox habits, etc. About her only flaw is that she scratches a lot. But she also responds well when she's scolded for it. Still considering whether we add another kitty--perhaps one more young one to take Otter's focus, so poor Penny doesn't get any harassment at all--but that may be a while yet.

---
Have been diversifying my fandom interests, now that Primeval is on ice for at least the near future. A little burned out on it, to be honest. Still think the cast is adorable (though there's some behind-the-scenes stuff that has me a bit uncomfortable) and still keeping up with our fan groups, but I'm just spending more time on other stuff. Particularly, I've been dipping my toes into Game of Thrones/ASoIaF. Just finished the most recent book in the series, so I can finally go hunting fandom for it without risk of spoilers. Sadly, a lot of the fandom I've found so far seems heavily oriented toward dimwit fangirls. Which is kind of creepy, considering they're way too immature for this subject matter. Ah, well.

Elsewise, I'm watching Sanctuary, Fringe, Downton Abbey, Criminal Minds and a few other things here and there. Looking forward to more Leverage coming soon, too.

---
My mandatory contract break is up, now, and my agency has pinged me about new possible assignments. I'm not sure I want to work again right away, though. We could use the extra money, but it's not critical, and I figure someone else needs that job more than we do right now. I may want to work again while we're in the adoption queue, but for now, I'd rather spend that time writing, catching up on sleep and watching the birdies in my back yard (of which there have been TONS this year.) I may change my mind if there's a really awesome assignment up, though.

---
Also, I want to spend more time socializing. We had a way fun Halloween party, and I'm dying to do more of that. Not that I don't love my long-distance/online friends, but meatspace socializing really boosts me, and I need more of it than I get right now.

---
Bed, however, is my main goal at the mo. Especially because Khaleesi just dropped an atom bomb in the litter box. Ugh. Night.
Oct. 13th, 2011 05:11 pm

Epiphany

textualdeviance: (Flamewars)
Thanks to being nearly done with A Feast for Crows and watching Cersei Lannister do her worst, I think I've just figured out one of the reasons I tend to have issues communicating/getting along with many other women: I'm not passive-aggressive enough.

Women are often taught that being direct equals being aggressive and confrontational (and unattractively masculine), so instead of bringing up a concern with the person causing it, they go about trying to solve it via stealth and subterfuge. And when they do get into direct conflicts, they default to personal attacks and derailing, instead of dealing with the issue head-on.

Me? I generally don't do that. Occasionally, my directness borders on overly blunt and tactless, but I simply don't believe in bullshitting or talking around something/someone. It's a waste of time, and causes far more problems than it solves. But because people don't expect that from a woman, it ends up seeming far more harsh and confrontational than it would coming from a man. Add in the other issues that brings up, with violating gender roles, etc., and it's not surprising that a lot of women would find me infuriating. I don't play by the rules of engagement they're familiar with, and it throws them off their game.

There's a lot of (legitimate) concern about how men are taught to solve conflicts with violence. This is clearly a bad thing, and should stop. However, there is one advantage to that kind of problem-solving: It's direct, it's quick, and there's never any question about who's on which side. A single punch in the mouth will heal pretty fast. Six months of rumor spreading and other catty social aggression takes far, far longer. If a man doesn't like you or has a problem with you, he tells you. If a woman doesn't like you, you may never know until she's taken you down behind the scenes. She may even be downright friendly with you to your face while she's savaging you socially in other ways. A man will kill you. A woman will kill everything you love. And that? Is horrid.

Fortunately, I'm lucky enough to have found quite a few women friends who don't play that game. I've even had disagreements with some, and yet we're still friends, because we got it out in the open well before it could fester and rot. Problem is that it's so hard to tell on the surface whether a given woman will be like that, or whether she's a backstabbing coward. Which makes me really wary of making new female friends. I have to spend enough time on the periphery of them to be sure that they're not like that before I feel comfortable trusting them.

In some cases, that caution has been misinterpreted as being cold or snobby or selfish. My lack of interest in pursuing instant sisterhood with any woman I meet bothers a lot of them. Then again, the ones who are bothered by it are probably the ones I'd rather not be around anyway. Because if a woman expects me to engage in the initial friendship dance the same way other women do, she's probably going to expect me to do everything else the traditional way, too. And the first conflict we have? When I say what's wrong in so many words? Will earn me the social death penalty from her.

So, yeah. This is probably why I tend to have a lot more male than female friends. Just not interested in the mean girls' art of war. Call me Brienne, I guess. ;)
Oct. 12th, 2011 03:15 pm

Icon meem

textualdeviance: (Default)
Prompted by [livejournal.com profile] jooles34:

1. Reply to this post, and I will pick five of your icons. - if you ask me to!
2. Make a post (including the meme info) and talk about the icons I chose.
3. Other people can then comment to you and make their own posts.
4. This will create a never-ending cycle of icon glee.



This is our dear, departed Familiar. She had a habit of laying on top of the microwave in my office at the old house. Never could figure out why. Ah, I miss her!


I honestly can't remember where I found this image originally, but I've had the icon for ages, as a generic "yay" thing. Even after all these years, it still makes me giggle.


The shot is from a screencap of one of Andrew's BBC America interviews when they were promoting their new showing of series 2 (and he's on the set for series 3 there!) He's going on about Connor having issues with guns, and demonstrates his gun stance, in his uniquely adorkable way. I tend to use this icon to punctuate one-shot posts or cheeky comments, due to its delightful faux badassery.


The pic is one of Andrew's that he posted on his fan FB last summer when he was on holiday in Florida. He just looks so damned gleeful there, it's downright infectious. The text is a reference to a hilarious little viral song from several years back called Gonads and Strife


I probably shouldn't actually have this, as it's a personal pic of Ben's (though it was posted as a profile pic, so it's technically public.) But damn, it's just ... yeah. As the text says. ;)

Oh, and the Andrew-in-guyliner icons are from this photoshoot. :)
textualdeviance: (skwirls)
Just finished a rewatch of the amazing In Her Skin, which is based on a true story of a murder in Australia. Watched it the first time since one of my Primeval actors plays the villainess in it, and it's easily one of my favorites, now.

Most of this comes down to the amazing work done in that role, and how familiar so much of her story feels to me. There are some scenes of her freakouts that honestly could have been me at various times of my life. I don't know what she was diagnosed with--I'm guessing bipolar, or some sort of personality disorder--but the mix of obsessiveness, self-loathing, rage, etc., is definitely something I can identify with.

So what made the difference? Why did this girl get so far gone that she ended up killing someone, and I'm now in relatively decent nick?

People who cared and the government funding that paid them )

I am, and always will be someone who has a mental illness, but thanks to people who cared, I can manage it basically on my own now. As long as I have access to my meds, a partner who loves me unconditionally and the tools I need (hi, Livejournal!) to work through the bad days when they happen, I'm functional.

I just wish the same could be said for the millions of others out there who are falling through the cracks. Not all of us will turn to murder, of course, but there's enough suffering of other kinds out there that it's unconscionable that a first-world country like the US isn't properly equipped to manage us. Millions of lives are lost to suicide and indirect self-harm. Millions more are affected by people who aren't getting the help they need. When are we going to realize that this is a major public health crisis, and do something about it?
textualdeviance: (Default)
Six weeks into my summer sabbatical, and enjoying it, for the most part. Currently parked in the back yard on a lovely afternoon enjoying the fresh air and sunshine and birdsong and dragonflies and bumblebees. And my spiffy laptop and our awesome wireless. ;) There's something really calming about having my own green space to chill out in--at least when the weather's nice. Even enjoying doing a bit of tending of my little kitchen garden. This year, in addition to the herbs, we have tomatoes, two kinds of peppers, lemon cucumbers, yellow watermelon, Hubbard squash and raspberries, blueberries and strawberries. Oh, and a little tree that's supposed to produce something called a limequat. So far, the only thing that we've harvested is strawberries--the plant we have is very prolific--but we have tomatoes and peppers growing, the blueberry bush is absolutely bursting with stuff that should be ripening in the next few weeks, and everything else has at least flowered. Hoping there's enough summer left to get at least something out of most of them.

***

I think I've gotten past the initial panic about not having enough time to do everything before I have to go back to work/start raising a youngun (more on that in a bit), so now I'm just taking it easy and doing what I want/need to do as the mood strikes me.

Writing, family, kid-buying, blah blah )

***

Gotta admit: I'm actually enjoying 40 so far. It's kind of like having a license to not give a shit what the world thinks anymore. Yeah, they still do care, but I'm out to pasture as far as the must-be-decorative pressure goes just based on age alone, so the rest of it doesn't matter as much. I think I've been a brassy old broad since I was 20. Nice to finally be the right age for it. :)
textualdeviance: (Bridal Illusions)
So, I wanted to write a followup about this post I did over here, but M just came home, and I'd rather go hang with him instead.

So, in place of my usual metacultural babble, just imagine that I've said something profound about how pop culture not only encourages asexuality or immature sexuality in girls and young women, but grossly underprepares them to deal with the hardcore sexuality it conversely instills in young men.

Or, in other words: There are legions of 16-year-old girls out there who really don't get that that 25-year-old idol they crush out on probably has three dozen favorite porn sites and is into stuff they've never even heard of.

(And, even sadder: When they do figure this out, said girls have a tendency to go way overboard in trying to adapt to this, and end up doing stuff they really don't want to do just to make these guys happy. Bleh. :( )
textualdeviance: (*headdesk*)
Sometimes, my weird gender stuff is really damned tiring. Most of the world is cisgender-oriented, and I'm just... not. Which can feel uncomfortably isolating sometimes.

Was just thinking about this WRT to fandom, since I had a slight epiphany that the reason I'm interested in a canon "het" OTP for the first time in basically ever is because it's gender-role reversed (yes, in canon. Yay!) I've seen a couple more of these here and there (would love to see more of the Claudia/Fargo crossover stuff, for instance, and I love Gwen/Rhys in Torchwood) but it's really quite rare.

IME, most adult (AKA: sex-friendly) fanthings are primarily attracted to traditionally masculine men, whereas the more-submissive guys I like tend to attract younger/more-delicate-minded fans who perceive their submissiveness as asexuality (which is pretty much never the case; they're just as horny as any other guy.*) Just not a lot of other fans out there who share my yes-quite-prurient interest in guys like that, which makes the squee-sharing adventures a little less than fruitful at times.

And finding other folks who appreciate a strong woman? Even harder. Some straight guys are into them, of course, but most of the ones who are are the creepy sorts who are primarily interested in the challenge of breaking her (see: Whedon, Joss.) There are, of course, many women who appreciate strong ones (as opposed to finding them threatening, as is most often the case) but that tends to be in the hero-worship/role model vein, rather than the "Daym! I can haz?" one I usually have in mind.

The other challenge? Most of the folks who fit my type are usually gay. Theoretically not an issue for the women, but IME, the married-bi-chica thing tends to act like dyke repellent. Dammit. :(

Ah, well. I spose my life would be a lot less interesting if I happened to be more mainstream. So maybe this is just how things are supposed to be for me. Always a little on the odd side where most folks are concerned.


*Side note: Must say I was very amused watching the first couple of Wilfred eps. In the back of my mind, I could hear Elijah's sexphobic fantwits going apoplectic at some of the stuff he was doing. Heh.
textualdeviance: (Sleeping Beauty)
Deflowering Harry Potter dream, complete with wand jokes? Kinda awesome.

FTR, it was current-Radcliffe (aka quite legal) Harry, and I was only a bit older. Even my pervy subconscious isn't an icky creeper.

Oh, and Hogwarts was apparently a coastal resort hotel, and chopsticks can be used as wands. Only all I could remember was expelliarmus.
textualdeviance: (skwirls)
Am very post-partum-y right now. Things that have ended for me in the last several weeks, or will be ending soon:

-Any chance of pregnancy (the surgery)
-The big UK invasion
-Current job contract (a week from Thursday)
-Several of my favorite shows: Fringe, Camelot, Game of Thrones, Sanctuary (done), Ideal and Primeval (2 more eps each.) And the Primeval finale will probably be its last, ever, which is seriously depressing.

Plus, though it seems summer has finally arrived here (nice blue skies), it's also Solstice, which means the sun's now on its way out again. Sigh...

In some ways, I'm kind of looking forward to a couple of months without a major occupation of any sort. Gives me time to read, write, cook, park in the back yard, stare at birdies, socialize, traipse off to the coast, etc.

But I also know myself well enough to know I'll be twitchy, and wanting a new Big Thing to get into soon. My summer shows (True Blood, Leverage, Eureka, Warehouse 13, Torchwood) will keep me amused (as will continuing our Criminal Minds DVD run), but none of them are really appointment TV for me, nor do they inspire any delving into fandom. They're passive entertainment, in other words, and not the sort of hands-on stuff that I'd need.

There's the possible adoption, of course, but some of that depends on some money stuff we won't know about until September, so there isn't much we could do with that except for initial paperwork. Also will be shopping the novel around to agents, but that's not a time sink. And we have Dragon*Con and a potential fall Orlando trip, too, but those aren't major projects, either.

Kind of hoping that this lack of a Big Thing doesn't mess with my head, actually. When I'm not Doing! something, I start feeling useless and parasitic, and thus become an insufferable whiner (more than normal!) Might just have to make myself enjoy the sabbatical time, instead of feeling guilty for it. Ooo.
textualdeviance: (Default)
Hit the ground running as soon as we got back, and have barely had time to think, let alone properly sleep. It caught up with me Wednesday, and I ended up working from home--and doing rather awfully with it--due to sleep-deprived delirium. Conking out soon and plan to veg in the theater all day tomorrow with our massive DVR and Netflix backlog.

---

The vacay reports (and there will be one last one when I remember to pull the remaining pics) are up for your perusal (scroll back a few entries.) Long story short if you don't want the slog: It was great, I loved it, but I don't think I'll be moving there. Like home better. :)

---

Two more work weeks before I hit the end of my contract. There's a small chance of a few weeks' extension because one of my eds wants me around for Comic-Con coverage, but that probably won't happen. Technically, I have another four months before I have to take my mandatory break, and my agency might well find me something short for then, but honestly, I think I'd rather have the rest of the summer off. I need a chance to breathe and get my head back on correctly and do some of the big projects I've been putting off.

---

One of said big projects is the adoption thing, though that's... sort of up in the air right now. Details )

***

One thing we most likely will do in the meantime is get another kitten. It's been horribly empty being just a two-cat household since Fammy died, and poor, ancient Penny is getting pestered by Otter all the time because he's bored and lonely. But with me working, we didn't want to introduce a new furbaby without having someone around to mind it through the chaotic adjustment period. Free time for me, though, means kitten-sitting is possible, so we'll probably go shelter-crawling in the next few weeks. We considered a dog, but with the baby thing still a possibility, we didn't want to go that high-maintenance. So, kitten (or maybe even a 1-2 year old) it is.

***

Feeling slightly maudlin about the end of my show in a couple of weeks. Likely to be the last series of it, unless its primary backer gets good ratings when it airs this series in January. Seems unlikely at this point. And even if it did come back, most of the cast I love might not come with it. So just two more episodes, and then I get to cry a lot. I have a ton of other stuff I love, of course (have really gotten into Game of Thrones in particular), but this is the first thing since LOTR that I've loved enough to join a fandom for, and the fandom itself has been great, too. It'll still exist after the show's gone, of course, but it won't be quite the same, and that concept breaks my heart. :(

***

And on that depressing note, I'm done for the day. Hasta la pasta, and if you want more of me in the meantime, go stalk me on Twitter.
textualdeviance: (Sleeping Beauty)
So, it may be a hormonal thing, but whatever the reason, my subconscious has been on naughty overdrive this week. Way TMI )
textualdeviance: (Default)
I just now realized that Mother's Day is the day before my surgery. I.e., the day before I say goodbye to ever bearing children. Theoretically, since my ovaries won't be affected, I could use a gestational carrier and still have bio kids, but since my stoopid eggs wouldn't get fertilized in the first place, and the fertility clinic basically refused to do egg extraction on me anyway, that's not an option. So any future kids I obtain are going to be someone else's. I've known this for a while, now, of course, but it's still kind of hard to swallow. It would help if my stupid culture wasn't so bloody obsessed with bio mothers, as if they're the only people in the world capable of being proper parents.

---

Speaking of the surgery, I had my pre-op consult for it yesterday, and they confirmed that they're knocking me entirely out. I'm a little worried about this (anesthesia is the reason the clinic refused to work on me, after all) but mostly, I'm just not looking forward to waking up. The last time I did general, I was horribly miserable when I came to: Thirsty, headachy, confused, scared, etc. Nastiness.

Also not looking forward to the drug I need to take the night before, as it's supposed to cause horrible cramps. Yaye.

---

Fortunately, I shall have glorious fandom goodness to distract me from all this, as there's a premiere event going on Sunday at which a fandom friend will be. There will be pics, I hope! Also still hoping there will be some folks at the event I'm going to at the end of the month, too. They haven't announced many guests at all, yet, so I'm still hopeful. Would kinda suck to spend 3 weeks traipsing around the show's home countries and not see at least someone from it. I'll be seeing some filming locations, of course, but that's not quite the same as real live humans. :)

---

My fannish creative muses came back. In hordes. In the last 10 days, I've written 9 fics (about 20k words) and put together a new vid (which I'm also retooling a bit for submission to a Dragon*Con fanvid contest.) Amazing what happens when new promo material gets me salivating. ;)

---

Good thing I've kept myself creatively busy, though. Got turned down by the first agent. Sigh... I kinda wondered if that might happen, though, as she's mostly doing modern fantasy/paranormal right now, and my thing is definitely a traditional fantasy setting, even if its plot and themes are less so. Will go hunting for other agents when we get back from our trip.

---

Semi-related, I was realizing yesterday that each decade of my life has some fairly clear definitions, in terms of a snapshot of who I was/what was important to me. 0-10 was school/reading/being a tomboy, 10-20 was school/politics/socializing/radio, 20-30 was school/performing/socializing/sorting out my love life, 30-40 was fandom/journalism/establishing a home/getting money sorted. What's 40-50 going to be? Not entirely sure, yet, but I think it may be novel-writing/parenting. And then probably add travel into that for my 50s. Not a bad life, I guess. At least I didn't spend most of it (so far) intoxicated or in jail.

---

Some of the above epiphany comes courtesy of the electronic attic-cleaning I've been doing the last couple of days. I've had several layers of poorly-filed crap sitting around in my docs folder for years. Most of it's from multiple backups, so there's a lot of duplicate and frankly useless crap in there I've been sorting through. And because I'm an idiot, I can't easily tell what most of these are about just by their titles, so I'm having to open them up and scan. And some of my old writings and such? Good grief.

I think for most of my 20s, I was dead convinced that if I didn't have a ton of lovers, it meant I was pathetic and useless. Granted, I'm still a randy little perv even now (hi, fanfic?) but I'm also not falling in lust with my friends all the time. Still a bit here and there, but not to the ridiculous degree it used to be. I think the difference is that while the libido is still there, the desperate need for approval isn't anymore. At least not that way. These days I'm pining away more for the approval of agents: writers' and adoption. Whether people consider me fuckable is of far less importance to me now than whether they consider me creatively skilled and good parenting material.

Which, I suppose, is one of the benefits of being near 40. Frankly, I don't think I'd ever want to go back to that state of being again. Feeling like my entire identity and self-worth was dependent on whether I was attractive enough was horrid. Still feel like that a lot now, but it's not as big a deal as it was then, at least. That monkey is still clinging to my back, but it's at least losing its grip, which is a damned nice feeling. I just feel sorry for the millions of other young women still beating themselves up every day because shallow idiots don't think they're decorative enough.

---

At any rate, this all kind of feels like I'm going away to the UK for some sort of major personality overhaul or something. Like I'm going to undergo some sort of rite of passage and come back a totally different person, and be ready for the next phase of my life. Which may be true. Three weeks of being 5,000 miles from home might give me a good and necessary brain scrubbing. We'll see whether I'm a Whole New Me come mid-June.
textualdeviance: (Default)
In a bit of a holding pattern right now, as I wait for various things to happen...

17 days until my surgery

Feeling slightly weird about that, since it's a definitely-never-getting-preggers thing. Also feels weird for other reasons. TMI )

---

29 days until we leave for the UK invasion tour

Doing the final prep for it: buying new luggage, clothes and other sorts of supplies, and making sure we have maps and lists of stuff we wanna do. Downright giddy for it, though also nervous about various logistics issues (TSA, customs, schlepping luggage, driving, etc.) No word yet on whether any of my peeps are going to be at the con we're going to, but they haven't released guest lists at all, yet, so there's that. Also pinged one of the folks in question about it today. Not that he'll likely answer, the silly flake.


---

40 days until I turn 40

Debating whether to throw some sort of bon voyage/damn I'm getting old/hooray for surgery party before we leave.

---

5 months until M gets a big ol' raise.

The Company announced today that they're restructuring pay for most product-group folks, which includes the Mster. This is, of course, good news--never going to turn down additional money, especially with impending sprog expenses. But it's also kind of frustrating for me, because the amount of increase he's likely to get (raise + bonus) will probably be in the same vicinity as the amount I make each year (what with working 6-9 months/year.) Basically, his raise is going to make my working redundant. Yeah, I'll probably still work (after taking some time off for the new sprog) but it's still depressing to know that my 40-hour weeks are worth less than a quarter of M's. I work just as hard as he does and have far more education, but because my skillset isn't as rare as his, he gets the big bucks and I don't. Meh. Maybe someday I'll have a Real Career of some sort instead of just this boring button monkey shit. Disproportionate pay wouldn't matter so much if I was really doing something I love.

---

21 days since I sent a query to an agent

The agent in question is pretty much the best person to pitch my novel to (in the kinds of stuff she's looking for), so I'm crossing my fingers. She supposedly responds to every query, so no news is probably somewhat good news in that she either a) hasn't gotten to it yet or b) hasn't rejected it out of hand. Not entirely sure what to do next if she does reject it, but no sense in dwelling on that now.

Looking forward to getting some feedback from my beta readers on it, too (and if you're not one and would like to be one, holla.)

---

16 days since I posted any new fic (and more than a month since the one before that.)

After finishing the novel, my creative-writing jones has basically gone on holiday. I'm doodling a bit here and there--making tweaks to the novel as I think of them, and spitting out a few paragraphs on various fics--but otherwise, nada. The non-fiction muse seems to be in good order, as I finished off two big projects for work, and have written nine lengthy posts on the new semi-pro blog, but the completely-making-stuff up muse is AWOL. Hmph.

Part of this, I spose, is the post-partum novel thing. I'm holding my breath waiting to see what the world thinks of my new baby before I go breeding more. Also, the TMI stuff is making me somewhat disinclined to write naughty things, so there's that. I imagine I'll get back to it eventually--maybe when there's new series 5 stuff to perk me up again.

--

5 hours since I last ate anything

Which prolly means I should go do something about that. Ciao for now.
textualdeviance: (Connor:Reading)
Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] ironymaiden's post here, I'm now aware that there are some kerfluffles in book circles about traditionalism in fantasy. My basic comment on the subjects at hand is over there, but it got me to thinking about some other, semi-related stuff.

As one might imagine, the meta concepts here are near and dear to me at the moment, given that I'm writing a fantasy novel with a female protagonist. The overall setting is more or less traditional--dwarves, elves, orcs, yadda yadda--but the story itself, while a typical hero's journey, has quite a few more modern elements to it.

Storytelling )

One other thing I realized with that discussion, though: I really have no idea what else is out there in book land. I read just a few authors consistently, and really don't know much about other stuff, but for what M (whose Kindle is permanently attached to his hand) tells me. Obviously, this is a Bad Thing in terms of being a writer who hopes people want to read her stuff, but outside of that issue, I kind of take offense at the idea that I'm hopelessly gauche because books are inherently better, somehow, than other forms of storytelling.

Media snobbery )

There are just as many ways to tell a story visually as with text. The shots the director chooses are as much a part of the storytelling as the words the characters speak, and knowing how to actually tell a story in pictures is, IMHO, just as much of an art. Imagine, for instance, if Lost were a series of books instead of a TV show. A skilled writer could certainly tell that (very complex) story, but we'd also miss things like the subtle grace of Charlie's sacrifice, and the ecstatic joy when Desmond calls Penny. You could describe those things in words, but without the expressions, the tone of voice and (critically!) Michael Giacchino's amazing score, a hell of a lot would be... well... lost.

Just as it's unfair to consider SFF somehow cheaper or less artistic than reality-based drama, it's also unfair to consider visually told stories cheaper than text-told ones. Each has its own merits, and should be judged on an apples-to-apples basis. Even on a personal level, I tell stories differently with my vids than with my fics. I'm rather more skilled at the latter because I have more experience with it, but I don't think that means the vids are inherently worse aside from skill issues. As a writer who's bordering on pro, it's in my best interest that people keep reading, of course, but I don't feel any personal affront when people enjoy other types of storytelling. And really, writers/readers who DO feel that way need to get over themselves.

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