textualdeviance: (Button Monkey)
So, since I haven't updated about this since my last bellyaching ...

I first sent mail to my teammate, confirming that it wasn't just me--there's really next to no work for us. In the middle of that, I also discovered something else that's a roadblock for the team, with larger-scale potential repercussions. So, I broke down and wrote a long mail to my boss about it all late last week.

Things post-mail are still settling out, so I don't really know what's next. But it does seem like our workload is slowing down to a trickle--and a trickle of stuff I really don't want to do. I already suggested that if this really is just a one-person job, then I'm happy to train my teammate on the stuff she doesn't know, and let her have it. Having my position go away due to budget reasons would be the best course of action, I think. It'd mean I wouldn't lose brownie points with my agency for quitting/breaking contract (and thus can get another one later if I want) but it'd also get me out of this mind-numbingly boring and degrading position I'm in now.

There is still a dilemma, though, and I've come to realize that it's why, despite the adoption process going well, despite the upcoming London trip, despite the great weather and everything else, I'm actually kind of miserable right now.

Downwardly mobile dog )

It's weird to look around and see how much I have and yet still feel so desperate. I'm sure people look at my life and think I have it all, and wonder why I worry so much. But that's just the thing--I don't have it all. M does. This stuff isn't mine. It's his. And if we split up, it'd all go away. I'd keep some of the material goods, and we'd split whatever pittance we could get from selling the house, but that wouldn't last. He'd be perfectly fine--financially, at least--if we split. I'd be fucked. This is not how my life was supposed to go. I did well in school. I went to college. I worked like a dog as soon as I could, stopped only when my stupid body told me I had to, and started again as soon as I was able. This shouldn't be happening to me.

I suppose this is probably why I have so much sympathy for other people who are on various forms of public support. I know very well that but for the grace of my husband's paychecks, I'd be one of them. Not through any fault or laziness of my own, but just because this is how things are sometimes. Where you get in life is only about half what you put into it. The other half is where you start and fate. People who are fucked on that other half shouldn't be assumed to have fucked off on the effort part. Unless you're lucky enough to have 30 years of living expenses set away somewhere, anyone can come to ruin at any moment--even M could, if he lost his job. Sure, we could've lived closer to the edge all this time and saved more rainy-day money, but it wouldn't be enough to make that big of a difference, long-term (and the mental health benefits of travel, the safe, comfortable house, etc., go a long way to making the rest of it possible anyway. I don't regret what we've spent so far--it's been its own investment.)

So, no. It's not weird that I'm so worried about my future survival when my ability to support myself is so fragile.

At the moment, all my hope lies in one thing: being able to sell at least one of my novels, and write/sell more while I'm home with the little one. That doesn't pay a lot, either, but it's at least possibly steady work if I'm able to sell enough of one to get contracts for more. It's also something I could do while doing paycheck-earning work of other kinds until I got better established as a writer. Best of all, it would be something I could take pride in, rather than something that made me feel like a particularly technical worker bee.

But that's hardly a guarantee. And with the current gig having hit the iceberg, just waiting around for that lifeboat to maybe show up so I don't go down with this slowly sinking ship is agonizing.
textualdeviance: (trapped)
Saw this old XKCD linked on FB. And ... it kinda creeped me out. This is kind of exactly how M and I got together.

The full story is complicated, but the gist: Here, let me manipulate you into dating me. )

I do think that part of the reason it took us so long to get so much of the rest of our lives on track (including things like finally getting around to becoming parents) is because our relationship started on such shaky, false foundations. I more or less forgive him now for what he did, because I know he didn't have the skills necessary to simply ask for what he wanted, instead of swindling me to get it, but it took me a very long time after I realized that I'd been swindled for me to fully trust him. Even now, I still wonder on rare occasion whether he truly does love me as a person, or just loves the role I play in his life, and the things I do for him. And, conversely, I also wonder sometimes whether I love him, or am just with him because I had no other choice--and still don't. If there was someone else out there who would treat me as well as he does, and who was also more capable of being emotionally honest than he is, would I leave? It's a moot question--such a person doesn't exist--but sometimes, I don't have the answer for it.

FWIW, I disagree with the underlying premise of that comic--I do think it's not only possible, but a good thing to be friends before you date someone. Otherwise, you're just hooking up because you have the hots for each other, and that's a pretty clear recipe for future relationship disaster. Long-term relationships based primarily on getting a boner for each other when you're 25 and hot never last past that first wrinkle. It's not necessarily dishonest not to be open about your attraction for someone when you're still trying to decide whether there's more to your interest in them than just that. Initial reactions of "I'd hit that" can often fade or change--or get stronger--the more you get to know someone. Hell, I have a very good friend I crushed out on the first year we knew each other, and our friendship didn't get really good until I got over it (and that required me making an idiot of myself by confessing my interest.)

But yes, when one party is counting on the emotional vulnerability of the other to increase dependency, that's not exactly a good recipe for a solid relationship. Hell, it's not a good recipe for a friendship, either. More than anything, people need to be honest with themselves and the people they're with about their motivations for being there. It's never fun to be used, no matter what it is you're being used for, and even less fun to be kept in the dark about that fact.
Sep. 11th, 2010 12:35 am


textualdeviance: (Default)
I think I need to face the fact that I've become lactose intolerant.

Given my adoration for all things cheese and ice cream, plus considering cereal an appropriate meal for any time of day, I'm completely screwed.

I may try those little pills, I spose.

Also, am slightly disappointed that I got wrapped up in writing tonight and somehow missed M going to bed. Was all ready to go cuddle and chat for a bit a couple of hours ago, and he was already passed out. :(

At least I'm proud of what I wrote, though. Did a very difficult scene--pushed past my comfort zone.

Hanging out a bit with K tomorrow (which means ~4 hours in the car) but also want to write and work on vids, and dig into the Supernatural season 5 discs we're getting from Netflix. Too much to do in my one remaining weekend before I have to start being responsible again.
Aug. 7th, 2009 06:05 pm


textualdeviance: (skwirls)
M and I used to battle regularly when we were young and angsty, but we rarely do so these days. So when we have a barking match now--even a mild one, compared to our old rows--it's more than a little disconcerting. But I guess we were just due. Too much building up the last several weeks, and not enough time/bandwidth to hash things out as they were coming, so pop went the cork.

It's not surprising we needed one, though. Both of us are under a ton of pressure right now: He's in both review season mode and end-of-ship-cycle mode at work. I'm still ramping up at the new job and adjusting (again) to working full-time after eight months off. And of course there's the house stuff. Extremely hot villa the last couple of weeks that made it impossible to do any housekeeping, so it's a pit right now. Closing on the house sale coming up. Stoopid stock market not getting to where we'd like it to be so we can have plenty of reserves after the purchase, etc.

And his car is leaking oil, mine needs a couple of windshield repairs, Penny needs a heart ultrasound and we haven't spent nearly enough time with friends lately. We've had maybe one or two free weekends in the last four months.

I also need a vacation, since I haven't done any traveling at all this year, but I can't afford one until months after the final stage of the uprooting.

textualdeviance: (Uprooting)
M has some sort of miserable creeping crud, so he's staying home today and currently passed out on the couch.

Our lack of meds for these sorts of afflictions necessitated an early morning trip to Tarzhay for yours truly (despite not feeling 100% myself.) Discovered that location didn't have a pharmacy, so I need to figure out a solution for my currently empty bottle of brain meds.

Spent the rest of the morning puttering around the downstairs of the villa. It had been a few days since I'd spent any real time here--being at the house so much--so it was starting to get kind of scary. Still needs work, but the kitchen is tidier and the fridge is now full of fresh food.

Still have piles of laundry to do, and much floor cleaning necessary.

Not entirely sure what I'll be up to at the house tomorrow. Probably working on the garage. Still can't decide whether we should try to sell anything or just dump it all on a charity.

Feeling strangely pessimistic today about how much money we're going to manage to pull together for a down payment. If necessary, we can wait things out here at the villa for a while until we find the exact right place in our price range, but I'm finding myself very nervous about how much the house is going to be able to sell for, and how quickly it might sell. I can guess, based on comps and how the market's performing and such, but really, it's very much up in the air.

I'm also realizing that I may be stuck for at least a month or two with nothing much to do after we list the house. Normally, I'd take at least some of that time to do some traveling, but with needing to be available in case we get an offer, that's kind of out. Plus there's the whole let's not spend money thing. Maybe I'll work on my novel or something.

Hm. I haven't really eaten anything yet today. I should try to do something about that.
textualdeviance: (avatar)
Well, last night's tummy issues went away overnight, so yay for that. Sadly, they appear to have been replaced by a mild but persistent migraine for the entirety of today so far. BP and temp are up, too. Bleh.

Fortunately, it's not like I had anything huge and demanding planned. There's hall-decking in progress and the ongoing to-do list, but that can happen anytime.

M's now home for four whole weeks (barring a short meeting Monday)! This is the longest vacation he's ever had. He needs it, though. Work's been stressing him out like crazy, and I really hope he'll have enough downtime to get his head back on right.

This does mean that we're both up for whatever, if any of y'all have some free time soon and would like to hook up.
textualdeviance: (avatar)
One of the reasons I love M? We have some of the strangest bedtime conversations ever. Last night's, for instance, was a discussion of the potential for natural disasters to wipe out the entire human population, and what the people on the space station might do if everyone on Earth suddenly died.

I think I married him just because I can talk about crazy shit like this and he doesn't think I'm weird for it.

Last night's entertainment was a blast. Got to hang out at [livejournal.com profile] mrdorbin's place (sadly, sans [livejournal.com profile] southplains) and play some silly games. I SO need to have more social time. I don't conversate with my co-workers much at all, and we live so far out in the boonies that it's not easy to visit folks (or have them visit) on a whim. There are times I think I get into flamewars just for the sake of talking to other people about something besides work. Sigh...

New HP trailer... eh. Not so much with the wow.
textualdeviance: (Cascadia)

IMG_1671, originally uploaded by TextualDeviance.

Got a bug up my ass Friday night so we packed up and headed north yesterday morning. It's been a while since we were in Vic, and I forgot how much I love it there. Wish we'd had more time to enjoy it.

This is the view from our hotel room. It was lovely. We didn't really do much except drive around and have some really good food. We were too tired to do the Gardens, but that's OK. We were just doing downtime anyway. I feel a lot more relaxed and ready to face work again tomorrow.

More photos here

Sep. 8th, 2007 11:36 pm

Nice day

textualdeviance: (Cascadia)
My original plan for this weekend was for us to go out of town to celebrate M's birthday, but for financial and logistical reasons, that didn't happen. So instead I kidnapped him and took him to the zoo, since neither of us have been there in quite some time. We got a little too tired to do the whole shebang, but I did get to see most of the primates and the adorable river otters. I've also decided I want a Golden Lion Tamarin as a pet. Not really, of course, but damn, they're cute.

We then drove around Green Lake and Greenwood for a bit and then had lunch at the new Panera (it's big!) at Northgate. We don't actually go south of Lynnwood very often these days, so it was nice to get some city germs on us again.

I'm so sore, though. Three hours of walking is far more than I usually do, so I kind of wore myself out. I'll probably be whining like crazy tomorrow. Ah, well. 'Twas worth it.

Yesterday we had some workers come by to finish up the last bits of stuff we needed for the flooring project. We finally have furniture back in the guest room and dining room again! We still need to finish some of the arranging and such. I'll probably work on all that next week, in addition to my interminable and increasingly depressing job hunt.

More of what I've been up to lately over on [livejournal.com profile] fanbitch and a personal filter post coming up sometime tomorrow (yes, I know you're all dying to read it. ;) )


textualdeviance: (Default)

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